The Top 10 World Cup 2014 Teams (according to moi)

Yesterday, while chillin’ with the fam for Father’s Day, my grandmother said, “I didn’t know you were into Soccer?”

To which I replied, “I’m not. I’m into Soccer players.”

That’s when I introduced her to my boyfriend, Benzema from France.

After that, she understood.

I realize there are several factors that should be taken into account when determining team rank, the least of which being aesthetics. However, were I to rank the World Cup 2014 teams by what I consider to be the most important aspects (ass and abs), the Top 10 would look something like this:

10.      Netherlands

9.        Bosnia

8.        Switzerland

7.        Ivory Coast

6.        Belgium

5.        U.S.A.

4.        Spain

3.        Italy

2.        France

1.        Portugal

If my calculations are correct, the epic finale will be between Cristiano Ronaldo and Karim Benzema. At which point, the game will end in a tie and both men will strip down to their skivvies and start doing push ups.

cristiano-ronaldo-1-435

ESPN, watch out.

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The Sex Files

For those of you living under a rock, or those who simply don’t care (myself included), Kim Kardashian and Kanye West tied the knot in what is undoubtedly the most important ceremony ever in the history of marital ceremonies. In what is also, I’m sure, a union meant to stand the test of time, the two most outstanding individuals to ever grace this universe pledged their undying love and devotion for all of eternity. Or until the next season of The Kardashians.

That being said, and despite their nauseating presence, Kim is hot. So hot, in fact, that I would probably have sex with her. I cannot wait for the KimYe sex tape to be accidentally spilled so that I can illegally download it and save it to My Favorites.

To continue on with my theme of creepy voyeurism, I’d like to share with you nine other couples I wouldn’t mind watching get busy.

Brad and Angelina – This is probably just a given. Two extremely good looking people doing the nasty. Yes, please.

Chris hemsworth and Elsa Pataky – Who wouldn’t want to watch Thor use his hammer?

Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum – Magic Mike and the Mrs. can dance their way into my porn collection any day.

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith – Rumor has it these two are in an open relationship and ever since Independence Day I’ve had a mean crush on Will’s perfect physique. I, Robot, hello.

Joe Manganiello and Anyone – Sorry, where was I again? Joe is the single reason I want to visit Italy.

Alexander Skarsgard and a Vampire – Mr. Skarsgard is hot but only when he’s sporting fangs. Otherwise, he’s just kind of dorky. But brooding and deadly? Ok.

  1. David and Victoria Beckham – David is hot, Victoria is ai’t. You know those two be fucking All. The. Time.

Adam Levine and Anne Vyalitsyna – Yes, I’m fully aware they aren’t a couple anymore but it was hard to deny the chemistry these two had. I was more upset about their backup than my own.

Idris Elba and Naiyana Garth – Idris is sexy. And he has an accent. I don’t really care who he’s doing the nasty with as long as he’s talking dirty and dropping his Rs.

So if anyone knows of any sex tapes being made by any of the above, be sure and let me know. I’m willing to pay top dollar.

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20 Paraphilias You Have Probably Never Heard Of

Paraphilia [par-uh-fil-ee-uh] noun – a condition characterized by abnormal sexual desires, typically involving extreme or dangerous activities.

Of course, that is an extremely oversimplified definition of something incredibly complex. We’ve all heard of the usual suspects: autoerotic asphyxiation, exhibitionism, foot fetishism, voyeurism…but have you heard of toxophilia? Read on and maybe learn a thing or two. You’ll thank me when the topic of arousal from archery comes up during Sunday night dinner with the fam.

Abasiophilia – People with impaired mobility. In other words, some folks are turned on by people who can’t run away.

Agalmatophilia – Statues, mannequins and immobility. Ever see the movie Mannequin? It was about a man who fell in love with a mannequin. At the time, the movie seemed romantic and endearing. Now, almost 30 years later, it just seems creepy.

Anililagnia – Attraction by young men to older women. Apparently, Cougar isn’t just a term, it’s a disorder.

Anthropophagy – Deriving pleasure from ingesting human flesh. Gives a whole new meaning to the term “eating someone out.”

Autoplushophilia – The image of one’s self in the form of a plush or anthropomorphized animal. I saw this movie once; it was called Werewolf in London.

Autovampirism – The image of one’s self in the form of a vampire. Involves ingesting or seeing one’s own blood. I wouldn’t mind being a vampire but mainly because it would stop the aging process.

Chremastistophilia – Being robbed or held up. Common gathering places include gas stations, 7-11s, and banks.

Coprophilia – Feces; also known as scat, scatophilia or fecophilia. The shit some people are into.

Emetophilia – vomit. For the man who gets a hard on every time a woman tells him he makes her sick.

Feederism – Erotic eating, feeding, and weight gain. I saw a women interviewed once who was paid to eat. She had a webcam set up in her house and men would pay just watch her stuff her face with hamburgers and French fries. How do I apply for that job?

Formicophilia – Being crawled on by bugs. Judging by some of the men I’ve dated, one might consider me to have a formicophilia.

Forniphilia – Turning a human being into a piece of furniture. My cat has forniphilia.

Liquidophilia – Immersing genitals in liquids. If a guy dips his dick in chocolate, does that count? Cause I’d totally buy that.

Mechanophilia – Cars or other machines; also “mechaphilia.” I think my dad has mechanophilia. That would certainly explain why he got along better with his car than my mother.

Menophilia – Menstruation. Uhm, yuck.

Navel fetishism – Sexual attraction to navels - either their own or someone else’s. Anyone care for a fuzzy navel?

Objectophilia – pronounced emotional desire towards specific inanimate objects. The BBC did a documentary on this disorder (which primarily affects women). One woman even married the Eiffel Tower. That cheating bastard. The tower, not the woman. Although, from what I understand, she did have a long term relationship with the Berlin Wall at the time. I wonder if she told Eiffel.

Oculolinctus – Licking the eyeballs. I get complimented on my eyes a lot, however, I’d probably draw the line at some guy licking them. Probably.

Sophophilia – Sexual arousal from learning. That’s like the best of both worlds! I only wish I could have sophophilia. It would certainly make going back to college in my 30s that much more enjoyable.

Vorarephilia – The idea of eating or being eaten by others; usually swallowed whole, in one piece. Fantasies include swimming with sharks and going to Jurassic Park.

I could go on and on but I have Datelineandbedtimeaphilia.

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7 Things I Would Rather Do Than Have Sex

YourTango recently published the article Better Than Sex: 9 Things People Would Rather Do Than Get Busy. To summarize, below were those nine things:

  1. Eat
  2. Eat bacon, specifically
  3. Use their smartphone
  4. Sleep
  5. Own a plasma TV
  6. Drink hot chocolate
  7. Masturbate
  8. Catch up on paperwork
  9. Reading a book

Reading through that list, a few of those were quite understandable. Bacon, hello! But honestly, there really isn’t a whole lot I’d rather do than perform the act of coitus. When done right, I’d take sex over hot chocolate any day.

However, with a hectic work schedule, bills to pay, and a desire to rule the world, my time has become precious and somewhat limited.  So were I to choose between the horizontal mambo and the following, I might pause for a moment to consider my options. Let me share with you a few things I might prefer over getting busy.

Get a foot rub. After a 12 hour day running around the office I would suck a dick just to have somebody pull out the body butter and give my feet a once over. As a matter of fact, last Friday, at the tail end of a 60 hour work week, I threw that out in passing. My manager thought I was joking. I wasn’t.

Sleep. Just like YourTango’s list, I would rather curl up in bed and pass out and for the same reasons listed above for wanting a foot rub. The sheer exhausting I feel after a long day’s work practically makes me comatose by the time I step foot inside my tiny apartment. When my alarm goes off in the morning, the first thing on my mind is going back to bed as soon as I get home from work.

Do nothing. The other night, I contemplated having a male friend over but then realized I didn’t feel like cleaning or shaving my legs. The exertion required to ready myself for 15 minutes of physical intimacy just wasn’t worth the time it would take for me to shove all my dirty clothes into the closet. Sorry, Patrick.

Watch Amy Shumer. That’s one funny bitch. Just today while shopping with my brother for kitty litter he compared me to her; the only difference being she’s actually funny. He and were never that close, anyway.

Masturbate. The only other thing on YourTango’s list I could agree with. Over the years, I’ve had a lot of practice playing with others and only a select few I’d like to play with again. I know what I want and I know how I like it. Also, masturbating is very selfish and I happen to be a very selfish person. I don’t have to worry about satisfying another person and I don’t have to share the attention. It’s like a threesome with two guys except I don’t have to worry about rug burn and lockjaw.  Or two guys.

Have somebody clean my apartment. If I had to give up sex for someone to clean my apartment I don’t think I’d even stop to contemplate my decision. I’d hand over the vacuum and Windex and go do something productive; like sleep.

That's the exact same look I have upon entering the makeup mecca

That’s the exact same look I have upon entering the makeup mecca

Sephora. I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. I spend so much money there the managers know me by name. You know that person who’s always asking a million questions and ends up in the makeup chair with “Sucker” written on the back? That’s me. Every. Fucking. Time. I’d sell a kidney to finance my Sephora shopping sprees if I thought my kidneys were still any good.

So while I would give up sex for some Urban Decay eye shadow, I most certainly would not give it up to catch up on paperwork or read a book. Because that would just be silly.

What would you give up?

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It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp

With head bowed, my intention was to make a hasty retreat without actually making eye contact with anyone. If I could just get to my car without bringing attention to myself, I could make it home without being spotted in my oldest, formally known as white, sweatpants. I may also have been wearing a scrunchie to keep the stray, unwashed strands of frizzy hair out of my mascara-free eyes. Okay, I was, and it was red.

Yet, Murphy’s Law dictates that without fail, the moment you run out for a quick errand without any makeup on while wearing 15 year old cotton, will be the exact moment you run into someone you know, or Leonard DiCaprio. In other words, I should have known better than to stop for a pack of smokes, but I didn’t. There’s just no way of bringing sexy back when you haven’t showered in two days and you’re wearing attire even the Goodwill wouldn’t accept.

He reached the door before I did. He wasn’t Leonardo DeCaprio but he may as well have been. As he opened the door for me I instantly considered if it was too late to run and hide behind the stand promoting increased female arousal and male stamina. Would it have been any less mortifying had I made a mad dash to the erectile dysfunction aisle then to face the cutie while looking like Aileen Wournos? I’m guessing so, so on I went, cursing my decision not to just go home and bum a cigarette off my roommate when he wasn’t looking.

I was almost there. Six more steps and I would be safely inside my vehicle, never to step foot at that gas station again for fear that I might be recognized as the women in Homeless Couture.

“How are you?”

Shit. No such luck.

“I was at the light and saw you so I turned around to come say hi. You are very pretty. Could I get your number?”

Since when had the DMV begun issuing licenses to people with severe visual impairments?

Hurriedly, I thanked Mr. Cutie and parted with my digits. The longer we stood there making idle chit chat, the greater the odds of him noticing the whitehead on my chin and realizing the error of his ways.

He called, we talked, and we made plans to meet for lunch the next day. There was great satisfaction in knowing the next time I saw him I couldn’t possibly look any worse than I had at the gas station.

“So tell me a little more about yourself. What do you do for work?”

“I sell medical marijuana.”

Great. “So you’re a drug dealer.”

“No. I sell medical marijuana. I have a dispensary in -”

“You sell pot. That explains why you brought me to a Chinese buffet.”

This was going well. And may have explained, in part, why he had approached me in a gas station parking lot; he was high.

While I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of starting a relationship with a man who sold weed for a living, I could make due knowing he actually held a job that was legal – depending on whose interpretation you followed, be it State or Federal.

A few nights later we met again for dinner. The little druggie was starting to grow on me and aside from the whole selling pot thing, I was enjoying his company. If the time ever came to introduce him to my family, I could always say he was a pharmaceutical rep like my cousin’s husband.

For date #3 we decided to spend a quiet evening back at his place. He had his own condo and lived alone. By all appearances, the legal-ish distribution of marijuana had proven very lucrative for him. If he was as knowledgeable about the female form as he was about the logistics of drug dealing, I was in for a real treat.

“Why does your phone keep blowing up? Is there a sudden influx of people with insomnia and back pain this evening?”

“No, it’s my other business.”

“Other business? And what business might that be where your attention is needed at 11:30 on a Saturday night? I’m guessing it’s not a beauty supply.”

Shifting uncomfortably, “I also have an escort business.”

“You’re a pimp, too?!?”

“I’m not a pimp.”

“If they’re fucking and you’re taking half, you’re a pimp.”

Then it dawned on me:

“YOU’RE RECRUITING ME!”

“I’m not recruiting you. Although, if you wanted to make a little extra money…”

Just because Mr. Cutie wasn’t wearing a purple fedora and driving a white Cadillac didn’t make him any less of a pimp. He just had better game.

That’s when it hit me. I really had looked that bad that night at the gas station. He probably thought I was homeless and taking a little break from my corner on Santa Monica Blvd. And despite his generous offer, I decided not to “make a little extra money.” That’s what AVON is for.

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5 Reasons Why Jamie Dornan Will Do Just Fine Playing Christian Grey

I hated Fifty Shades of Grey. I thought it was poorly written, redundant, and immature. If a book about S & M can be considered as such. I, like many others, read it out of curiosity, and because, to put it simply, I like me some erotica, here and there. Instead what I encountered was a book saturated with almost comical and childish sexual fantasy.

Needless to say, I’ll probably still go see the movie.

Sadly, I’ve heard far more criticism about the actor chosen to play the elusive, perfect, and drop dead gorgeous philanthropist then about the actual book (which sucked, btw, in case I hadn’t already mentioned that).

Originally cast was Charlie Hunnam, who I would have considered perfect for the role. Who, in actuality, would be perfect for any role. Ever.

Can't. Concentrate. Must turn away. What's my name?

Can’t. Concentrate. Must turn away. What’s my name?

But since Charlie bailed, we now have Jamie Dornan and below are five reasons why Jamie will do just fine playing Christian Grey:

Oh yeah, he's aight. I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers.

Oh yeah, he’s aight. I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers.

You’re welcome.

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19 Things You May or May Not Already Know About Valentine’s Day

It’s that time of year again. The time of year we are inundated with commercials and TV shows that’s sole purpose is to guilt us into spending our hard earned cash on chocolate and overpriced greeting cards. Or in my case, the latest in adult oriented toys that vibrate. But I digress. Below are 19 things you may or may not already know about Valentine’s Day. Enjoy. Or don’t.

  • According to the condom company Durex, condom sales are highest around Valentine’s Day, which are 20 percent to 30 percent higher than usual.
  • More at-home pregnancy tests are sold in March than in any other month which is a pretty strong testament to the reliability of Durex.
  • Penicillin, a popular treatment for venereal diseases such as syphilis, was introduced to the world on February 14, 1929. *cough* Durex *cough*
  • Teachers receive the most valentines, followed by kids, mothers, wives and sweethearts which may help account for the increase in student-teacher relations. Just sayin’.
  • The roots of St. Valentine’s Day can be traced back to the Roman fertility festival of Lupercalia. On Lupercalia, a young man would draw the name of a young woman in a lottery and would then keep the woman as a sexual companion for the year. Equally creepy, the men would also strip naked and spank young maidens in hopes of upping their fertility. I guess they hadn’t quite yet figured out that’s not how babies were made.
  • For every 120 single men who are in their 20s, there are 100 single women in the same age range.
  • Beyond 65, there are 33 single men for every 100 single women of the same age range. I’m still trying to figure the math out on this one.
  • 15% of US women send flowers to themselves.
  • More than nine million pet owners are expected to buy gifts for their pets this Valentine’s Day which isn’t nearly as pathetic as sending flowers to yourself.
  • In the middle Ages, people believed that the first unmarried person of the opposite sex you met on the morning of St. Valentine’s Day would become your spouse. I may be a little late to work today as I’ll be stopping by Fire Station 19 on the way.
  • One theory regarding the origin of Valentine’s Day is that while the Roman Emperor Claudius II was trying to bolster his army, he forbade young men to marry. In the spirit of love, St. Valentine defied the ban and performed secret marriages. For his disobedience, Valentine was executed on February 14.
  • In 2011, Iran banned Valentine cards, gifts, teddy bears, and other Valentine tokens as part of an Islamic republic backlash against the spread of Western culture. Additionally, some religious activists in India and Pakistan protest Valentine’s Day as a day of shame of lust. They view it as a Western holiday in which Westerners satisfy their “sex thirst.” Mmm, sex thirst.
  • Ironically, India celebrates Children’s Day on November 14th, 9 months after Valentine’s Day.
  • Valentine’s Day is also banned in Saudi Arabia. Nothing red can be worn or sold on Valentine’s Day in Saudi Arabia.
  • “Quirkyalone Day” is celebrated on February 14 as an alternative to Valentine’s Day. It is geared toward people who “resist the tyranny of coupledom.” Another alternate Valentine’s Day celebration is SAD (Single Awareness Day), which reminds people that they don’t need to be in a relationship to celebrate life. Yes, let’s help end of the stigma of singles on VD by calling them quirky, alone, and SAD. Strong work.
  • Saint Valentine is the patron saint of lovers and engaged couples. He is also the patron saint of epilepsy (which he is said to have suffered), plague, greetings, travelers, young people, and bee keepers.
  • You can make special Valentine’s reservations at White Castle and other fast food places. Klassy.
  • Each year the city of Verona Italy receives more than 1000 valentine’s addressed to Shakespeare’s Juliet. It is said that each year, Juliet, will rise from her non-existent grave (because, you know, she’s not actually real) and make sweet love to one lucky valentine sender. Ok, I made that last part up.
  • On Valentine’s Day 1929, at the height of prohibition, Al Capone ordered the killing of members of a rival gang run by Bugs Moran in Chicago. Nothin’ says lovin’ like a bullet to the head. Which is pretty much what I feel like having every February 14th?

Happy VD, ya’ll! May your day be filled with unrealistic expectations, latex, and vodka.

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