It’s Time for the First Annual Vagina Beauty Contest
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It’s Time for the First Annual Vagina Beauty Contest

I’ve been at my sexual peak for the last 19 years. That’s probably why, when I heard the 3rd Annual Smallest Penis Contest was being held in Brooklyn last weekend, I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t attended the first two. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d traveled to New York for dick.

Sadly, I had to work that weekend and was unable to make the 3,000 mile trek to partake in the festivities. But AMEN to any fucker willing to stand up and yell, “Every girl, beware of his cock and balls…this cock is Small!”

Yet, this isn’t a post about the stupid shit I do in my spare time. This is a post to let women out there know if they aren’t doing anything between now and July 10th, they too can enter a contest designed to show off and exploit their most intimate parts. Hence, the first annual AutoBlow’s Vagina Beauty Contest (Link definitely NSFW). There are many who will do that on Instagram for free.

It would appear that there has been a great disservice happening to men right under their noses. To paraphrase, according to Brian Sloan, the owner and founder of Autoblow, most vagina masturbators are fake! Wait, what?

Unknowingly, men have been buying fake pussies for years not even knowing that most are actually not, in fact, molded from porn stars. The travesty!

My question, which has yet to be addressed, is who exactly are these vaginas being molded after? Inquiring minds want to know. I can’t understand why they wouldn’t be molded after porn stars. If someone wanted to pay me thousands of dollars to throw some silicone on my vag for a few minutes I certainly wouldn’t have a problem with it. I’ve done worse. Have you heard of vajazzling? Yeah.

Anywho, to make better and more realistic “toys”, Autoblow is having a contest to find the prettiest poon. So, ladies, get on it, would ya? The top prize is $5,000 and the gift of knowing lonely men everywhere will be able to stick it in ya without having to call you the next day or even buy you a drink.

I would enter myself but, uhm, vajazzle. Yeah.

One last thing, Mr. Sloan would like everyone to know that this is actually a vulva contest, not to be confused with a vagina contest. To help clarify, I took the time to look up each definition and bestow upon you all a little bit of anatomy:

Vulva: The external genitals of the female, including the labia majora, labia minora, clitoris, and vestibule of the vagina.

Vagina: the passage in a woman’s or female animal’s body that leads from the uterus to the outside of the body.

Because everyone knows that vagina sounds way better than vulva. Duh.

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1 Comment

  1. The Latest in Sex News
    August 11, 07:31 Reply
    […] the event you were on pins and needles waiting to hear if you had won the First Annual Vagina Beauty Contest held last month, let me put your mind at ease. Unless you’re Nel, 27 from the UK (NSFW, […]

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