It’s Been Over For a While (Relationship Woes of a Cheater)
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It’s Been Over For a While (Relationship Woes of a Cheater)

I can understand why it may be intimidating to approach an almost 6’ tall blonde with breasts the size of Nebraska so I give major kudos to any guy with the cajones to walk up and ask for my number.  It doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing, I’m always flattered when someone thinks enough of me to try and score a date.  That doesn’t mean I’ll go out with you but I definitely won’t consider you a jack off for trying.

It was this reason that I decided to part with my digits when Alex stopped his car in the middle of the road to ask for them.   Taking a stroll through the park, a date was about the last thing on my mind.  The correspondence was short and sweet and minutes later, I was left to finish my walk while wondering why I had just given my number to a guy driving a 20 year old Pontiac with an ill fitting hood.  But that’s beside the point.  He seemed nice and I had a good feeling.

It wasn’t long before he called.  Alex was well spoken, articulate and more importantly, he laughed at my jokes.  He was complimentary, almost to the point of being over the top and seemed to have a good head on his shoulders.  I wasn’t hearing wedding bells but I definitely saw a lunch in our future.

45 minutes into the conversation, things took a sharp turn towards, “You can’t be serious,” and “not again.”

Me:  *In jest* I have to ask; you’re not married or in a relationship of any kind, right?

Him:  *Nervous laugh* Actually…

Me:  You’ve got to be kidding me.

Him:  I am sort of seeing someone.

Me:  Awesome.  Do you make it a habit to stop and ask girls you don’t know for their number?

Him:  It’s not like that.

Me:  Of course not.

Him:  Let me explain.  I really don’t want you think I’m a douche…blah, blah, blah…It’s been over for a while…yada, yada, yada…It’s going to end, it’s just a matter of time…etc., etc.,…We’ve stopped having sex…

Me:  Oh. Well in that case…

Him:  I’m really attracted to you and I love your personality.  I love talking to you and I could see myself falling for you.  It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way.  I’m pretty sure she’s already cheated on me…

Sounds to me like Alex needs a wham-bulance.  Awww, his girlfriend doesn’t love him anymore?  Boo-hoo.  He misses feeling wanted?  Sad face.  He’s not getting sex anymore?  Not my problem.

Here’s what is my problem.  This is literally the 437,957th time I’ve heard this sob story. Give or take.  The set up is almost always the same only the faces differ.  Guy plays martyr and nothing short of blowing him will cure the emptiness he feels deep down inside.

Him:  You asked me to be honest.

Me:  You’re right.  And I appreciate your honesty.  That still doesn’t mean I’ll go out with you and it certainly doesn’t negate the fact that you are trying to hook up with someone other than your girlfriend.

Him:  But…

I was clearly dealing with an amateur here.  He had shown his cards too soon.  A truly seasoned philanderer would have known better than to whip out the “loveless, sexless relationship” bit that soon.  Telling me I was the kind of girl he “could fall for” within 45 minutes was an especially nice touch, as well.  Unfortunately for him, I’m not a naïve 16 year old with daddy issues.

I have absolutely no desire to be the antidote for someone’s miserable love life.  I am not that girl. I refuse to be that girl.  I do not derive a sense of pleasure or power from fucking around with another woman’s sloppy seconds.

Alex in a nutshell:

a)       He was/is a complete douche.  Despite his claims of self loathing and self pity.  If anything, I truly feel sorry for his girlfriend who probably thinks everything is fine and that her man is just working late.  Again.

b)      He was/is a pussy.  His whole “woe is me” act is utterly ridiculous and reeks of desperation.  If he’s not happy in the relationship, get out of it.  Simple as that.  According to him there was no communal property, no children, and no marriage certificate.  So what’s the fucking problem?

Him:  What’s your favorite position?

Me:  Buh bye.

So much for my gut instinct.

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18 Comments

  1. NikkiB
    August 24, 06:07 Reply
    Oh, I hear you sistah. WTF is this anyway? Really? It's *almost-practically-should-have-been-two-weeks-ago* over? Yep. That's still not "over". You know what that ACTUALLY tells me? That you're a fucking douche canoe who 1) has so little respect for his current partner, he goes behind her back 2) and makes that worse by oh no not LYING about a relationship but actually USING said relationship to score points!! AND on top of that 3) you are A BIG FAT MOTHERFUCKING BABYPANTS for not being able to be straight with your current partner. Um. Last I checked? NONE of these things are on my list, honey. Move ALONG. PS Just last night? Had some dude all up IN my business around a bunch of mutual friends. He's charming, I'm feeling it. He adds me on FB this morning. He's in a relationship. Really? Look, I don't consider flirting to be cheating, but not sure your lil blonde GF would like the way you're in my personal space with your hand on my low back. Just sayin. <span class="cluv">NikkiB recently posted..<a class="af16522a4b 7323" rel="nofollow" href="http://womenarefrommars.wordpress.com/2011/08/23/i-have-a-healthy-relationship-with-lust/">I have a healthy relationship… with Lust.</a></span>
    • missmelisamae
      August 24, 13:04 Reply
      Don't you just love Facebook? Many a man has found to be in a relationship when they came across as single and looking.
  2. Erica
    August 24, 07:29 Reply
    at least he coughed up the truth right away and didn't lie about it making you the other girl. So in a way you can thank him for saving you from his jerkness
    • missmelisamae
      August 24, 13:05 Reply
      I did thank him for his honesty. Still doesn't excuse him from being a cheating douche.
  3. Marrie
    August 24, 09:16 Reply
    I would've agreed with Erica until the dude sank to the Titanic abyss by asking "What's your favorite position?" As if you should demonstrate gratitude for his honesty by providing a new volume to his spank bank! Here's hoping there is no 437,958th time! <span class="cluv">Marrie recently posted..<a class="74a4687f21 7327" rel="nofollow" href="http://dirtyinpublic.com/index.php/641/break-up-when-your-ex-jealous-that-youre-dating/">The Break Up: When your ex is jealous that you’re dating!</a></span>
    • missmelisamae
      August 24, 13:07 Reply
      This was a clear case of selective hearing. He heard me thank him for his honesty so he went for broke in the hopes that that earned him brownie points. Uh, no. I also hope there isn't a 437,958th time!
  4. Catherine
    August 24, 09:31 Reply
    GOD! I hate that crap. Woe is me, I'm in a loveless relationship, we never have sex anymore, she cheated on me... REALLY I don't give a crap. Not one bit. Even if we end up together, odds are you are going to tell this same sob story to the next girl and cheat on me! I truly don't understand why guys think they'll get away with this. But then... I guess they do. I mean, they wouldn't keep telling this tale if it didn't work. I actually just wrote a blog post about this too: Open Letter to Married Men Who Hit On Me http://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2011/06/17/open-letter-to-married-men-who-hit-on-me/ Maybe you can send it to him? Married or not - it's still crap! :) <span class="cluv">Catherine recently posted..<a class="41490b76ec 7328" rel="nofollow" href="http://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2011/08/23/simply-solo-spotlight-adventure-is-out-there/">Simply Solo Spotlight: Adventure Is Out There</a></span>
    • missmelisamae
      August 24, 13:08 Reply
      You're right. That line must have worked in the past or he still be employing it. I'll definitely check out your post :) I know I can't possibly be the only one dealing with such nonsense.
  5. Suzy Wong
    August 24, 15:52 Reply
    I had a very similar experience, but unfortunately with a seasoned pro............ it tooks MONTHS for him to tell me about his wife. Whenever I found out anything he'd go, 'but you never asked'. WTF?!? When dating it is essential to tell the other person of; 1. Other relationships 2. Children / Dependent relatives 3. Previous convictions for such offences as murder, armed robbery, domestic violence 4. Medical conditions such as Aids (This list is not exclusive). When I dumped him he blamed me. MEN! arrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh Suzy x <span class="cluv">Suzy Wong recently posted..<a class="0b72760496 7338" rel="nofollow" href="http://suzywongbadgirl.wordpress.com/2011/08/15/the-return-of-mm-but-not-for-long/">The return of MM………. but not for long.</a></span>
    • missmelisamae
      August 24, 16:00 Reply
      I couldn't agree more with you. The whole "but you never asked" excuse is bullshit. Doesn't that fall somewhere under the "Duh" catagory? One would think, right?
  6. Damian
    August 24, 20:46 Reply
    "breast the size of Nebraska" HAHAHAHA at least your breast don't stink like nebraska does thank god!!! I don't know how you manage all this craziness spicy, but I'm glad you can jest about it, and we love you for it <span class="cluv">Damian recently posted..<a class="1a58644db4 7346" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.jupaman.com/2011/08/21/twitter-weekly-updates-for-2011-08-21/">Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-08-21</a></span>
    • missmelisamae
      August 24, 21:58 Reply
      There's absolutely no need for me to make any of this stuff up. Real life is interesting enough!
  7. singlegirlie
    August 25, 12:20 Reply
    It's funny, this actually has never happened to me, but happened to you 437,957 times? Trust, I've had my share of douchebags, but luckily none of them have been married/in a relationship. At least, not that I'm aware. I don't actually think to ask. Maybe I've just been in the dark all this time... I totally agree with you. If it's "practically" over and you never have sex and there's no more love, blah, blah, BREAK THE FUCK UP. THEN hit on chicks. Not the other way around. Stupid shithead. <span class="cluv">singlegirlie recently posted..<a class="24083e4cba 7356" rel="nofollow" href="http://singlegirlblogging.com/2011/08/24/why-i-should-not-use-social-media-at-work/">Why I Should Not Use Social Media at Work</a></span>
    • missmelisamae
      August 25, 19:15 Reply
      Unfortunately, its happened to me so many times that I've found it necessary to ask. Sad, really. I've come to be known as catnip for married and/or taken men. Ugh.
  8. Jovan1984
    September 28, 09:50 Reply
    I am a man and I know that I suck in the bedroom. So, unlike the man that Melisa posted about, I would not be complaining about being in a sexless relationship. And I certainly DO NOT have the heart to cheat on a person.
    • missmelisamae
      September 28, 13:09 Reply
      The world needs more men like you, my friend. Only better in bed ;)

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