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…and how was YOUR weekend?

Warning: Melisa + Vodka = Crazy shit going down

I’m not sure what it is about this particular clear liquid that makes it so dangerous but once imbibed by yours truly, it’s pretty much guaranteed that:

a) I’m going to end up naked
b) I will probably cry
c) I will tell somebody that I love them (usually via text message)
d) Good odds that I will scare the shit out of some poor schmuck therefore insuring that any chances of getting another date are slim (please refer back to “C”)

Date/Time: Friday/6 pm             Location: Hollywood Blvd., The Chad Pad

Me: Mmmm…beer.

Chad: There’s also vodka in the freezer.

Me: Fuck!

Chad: Two bottles…

Me: Double Fuck. You do that on purpose, don’t you?

Chad: Do what?

Me: You know my track record with Vodka. You are definitely flirting with danger.

Chad: The shot glasses are in the cupboard.

And so it began.

By the end of the evening, I had been to LAX to pick up a friend, gone to Saddle Ranch on Sunset with a guy wearing a cow tipping T-shirt, met and became BFF’s with some girl there for her birthday because I liked her pretty blue cocktail, got hit on by her arrogant, pushy, abusive-type, overweight boyfriend, ate cotton candy, borrowed some glasses from Saddle Ranch (my purse is much bigger than I realized), ended up at a strip club that was clearly a front from something else, cried because I thought I was going to be sold into sexual slavery, somehow managed to change my Blackberry settings from English to Spanish, took a muscle relaxer and lost my purse. The weekend can best be summed up in this Facebook status I posted:

“Woke up with my bra on inside out. Pretty happy to have Monday off. I’m gonna need it.”

I also may or may not have made out with a 25 year old virgin from Kansas. He also may or may not still be a virgin.

Luckily, I was able to get my purse back from the human traffickers at the strip club the next night, so all was not lost. Feeling a little uncomfortable knowing that they probably went through my stuff and now know where I live. For once, I’m grateful that I’m too old to be kidnapped and sold.

By the end of my binge on Sunday, my liver had cried “Uncle” more than once.

Things I learned from this weekend’s debauchery:

1) Never trust a cab driver that refers you to The 7th Veil
2) Beer is not part of a balanced breakfast for a reason
3) My panties have a mind of their own and will end up on the living room table
4) Taking a muscle relaxer while still drinking is probably not one of my better ideas
5) Next time I go out, it’s probably for the best, to leave my cell phone at home

…and how was YOUR weekend???

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23 Comments

  1. brewers_rule
    June 01, 17:10 Reply
    Again I'm confounded by the fact that my weekends never include this much fun as debotchery continues to mock me. I'll probably keep vodka or tequila company myself as I sit in an empty house this weekend alone. I'll let you know if I'm used and abused as easily as you apparently were by that bitch ;)
  2. LOST PLUM
    June 01, 17:18 Reply
    oh #4 is a rule we all know and yet seem to forget.....sounds like you had a blast ;)
  3. Anonymous
    June 01, 17:19 Reply
    My weekend was.. not as fulfilled as this. Plus I'm also super jealous at that "virgin" guy.<br /><br />-Clap
  4. Lisa
    June 01, 17:26 Reply
    You are my heroine! I've only woken up on a bathroom floor with my red thong around my ankles once - after drinking a bottle of sweet tea vodka. I know, sounds kinda pansy, but it's really frakkin' tasty.<br /><br />PS: My verification word was "scent". Awesome.
  5. Something She Dated
    June 01, 17:36 Reply
    Man...now that I don't drink anymore my weekend stories are never quite as insane...the upside is I'm not vomiting while trying to tell them...but I say small price to pay :P Though I must admit my stories generally had some heavier slutty overtones :) but all in good fun ;)
  6. toomany2choose
    June 01, 19:51 Reply
    Now I'm SURE we're long-lost twins. Well, you can write, are a different age, have bigger boobs and look nothing like me. Other than that? We must have shared a womb.
  7. Anonymous
    June 01, 21:06 Reply
    Well Melisa, sounds like you live a boring, un-interesting sort of life that knowone is interested in...... who am I kidding. Your an absolute hotty with an exciting fun filled life, that everyone would want to be part of. So if your ever looking for someone tall dark and hansome... phone someone else hehe. But if you want someone to drag your arse home at the end of the night ( so that you get home ) give me a call :) :)
  8. MissMelisaMae
    June 01, 21:06 Reply
    Brewers_rule: If you are anything like me, stick to Tequila.<br /><br />Plum: Not quite sure why I never listen to the little voice in my head that says "NO!" but I don't. Wait, I do know why...the little voice in my head is usually DRUNK!<br /><br />Clap: No reason to be jealous of the virgin. I'm actually of the belief that if I can't remember it, it didn't happen. Sooo...<br /><br />Lisa: Sweet Tea Vodka sounds delish! We should meet up and see how much trouble we can get into!<br /><br />Something She Dated: Perhaps I should take your lead and back away from the Vodkey or anything alcohol related for that matter :)<br /><br />TooMany: Other than those few discrepancies, we are totally twins!
  9. MissMelisaMae
    June 01, 21:29 Reply
    Awww, Anonymous! You mean you would be my designated driver? Excellent! But now you have me wondering...how do I call you? I can't find Anonymous in the phone book.
  10. KB IN NYC
    June 01, 21:30 Reply
    I love you Melisa. That is all. <br /><br />XKB
  11. FiremanPat
    June 01, 21:31 Reply
    I know officially declare my life as totally boring! You however, are now the "Most Interesting Woman in the World"! Congrats!
  12. Anonymous
    June 01, 21:32 Reply
    you didn't LEARN after I had to HOLD You up that one time? ! - bells
  13. MissMelisaMae
    June 01, 21:33 Reply
    KB_IN_NYC: The feeling is completely mutual! That is all ;-)
  14. MissMelisaMae
    June 01, 21:34 Reply
    Thanks, Fireman Pat! I don't always drink beer...but when I do, it's Dos XX
  15. MissMelisaMae
    June 01, 21:34 Reply
    Bells, that's a whole different blog post for another day ;-)
  16. TurnJacson
    June 01, 21:41 Reply
    *Slow Clap* (As I stand up at my desk)<br /><br />You are my Hero!!!
  17. midwesterngirldating
    June 01, 21:54 Reply
    Whoa. I think we were separated at birth. I always say "vodka makes my clothes fall off" AND that is the same list of things that happen when *I* drink vodka. <br /><br />I might be in love.
  18. manshopping
    June 03, 22:49 Reply
    It is always a good night when one defiles a virgin. That is all I have to say about that. <br /><br />Oh, and one more thing. We shouldn't drink vodka together. The world may explode if we do.
  19. Anonymous
    June 08, 02:01 Reply
    Whoa, girl. I need to hang out with YOU. What the hell is a muscle relaxer anyway and where do you get them? I've only heard of them from 16 Candles and have been meaning to take one ever since.
  20. singlegirlie
    June 08, 02:03 Reply
    Why did it post my comment above as anonymous? Grr. It's me, dammit.
  21. mona
    June 16, 05:30 Reply
    Don’t forget “vodka makes me want to take my shoes off “and we better hope someone knows what happens after that!;) great seeing you;) and love your blog!

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