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VENEEReal Disease

“Do you consider oral sex cheating?”

I’m having déjà vu. I’ve heard these words before. Not only have I heard them before but they came from the same married jackass that spewed them 12 months earlier. Has he used this line so many times that he’s actually forgotten who he’s uttered this phrase too? Better yet, how many big busted, six foot tall blondes that he works with has he asked this question to in order to forget that he’s already broached this subject with me?

What makes this scenario particularly scandalous is that not only is the pint sized Puerto Rican married but he also has a kid on the way yet still finds it perfectly acceptable behavior to ask me if I’ve had sex in the office stock room. His wife is a lucky lady indeed.

Last year, it was a hot, sunny afternoon and I was alone in the office looking up porn working diligently when in walked Erik (the pint sized Puerto Rican). He was a very cute, well built, olive skinned man. Hispanic with jet black hair and beautiful big brown eyes. I instantly wanted to devour him. Then he smiled and my mind switched from thoughts of naked debauchery to wondering if his teeth would glow should the power suddenly go out. His teeth were nothing short of ginormous. Like Hillary Duff’s and Dr. Phil’s wife huge. If he thought these were an acceptable look for grills, I can only imagine what they must have looked like before.

We talked, we flirted and I felt that rush that can only come from the chase of the unknown. I had found my new pet project and Eric Estrada was it. Doing my homework like any good school girl determined to ace a test, I went about finding out all I could from his friend, my boss. Then I heard the words that would stop me dead in my tracks and put a damper on any dreams I might have had of dividing and conquering.

“He’s got the greatest live-in girlfriend.”

Shot down.

I certainly wasn’t getting any hint of a girlfriend while he was asking me what I did for fun. Nor was I when he was asking if I had a boyfriend. But a guy with a live-in girlfriend AND big teeth? No thank you. I think I’ll pass.

A few nights later, a few people from work were gathering at a local bar to watch the game. I knew Estrada would be there but paid no mind since I also knew that bar + football = single, eligible men. I and my best push up bra would be there in full force rooting for the team with the cutest fans.

After the game, everyone in my party began to disperse. As luck would have it, I had parked in a different lot from most everyone else…except Estrada, who being the true gentleman he was, offered to walk me to my car. After he insisted I sit and join him for one last drink, of course. Personally, I would have rather had my appendix taken out by a spider monkey but unless I felt like walking back to the dark parking structure alone at midnight I was shit outta luck.

Being slightly irritated and defiant, I asked him what his girlfriend was up to that evening. I had, after all, heard that she was a really “sweet gal”. As he uncomfortably shifted in his seat he launched into his “woe is me” tale about his son (didn’t know he had one of those either), his first wife, his days partying and what led him into AA. Sure, this was an interesting story and all but still didn’t account for the fact that he was sitting alone, in a bar, with 38 DD’s while his good little girlfriend was at home ironing his shirts and taking care of his son by another woman.

Then like a true cheating douche bag with no inclination that what he was doing may be construed as highly inappropriate leaned across the table towards me. With a twinkle in his eye and a smirk on his face uttered the words that every woman should hear at least once in their lives…

“So, do you consider oral sex cheating?”

After I reminded him that things hadn’t gone well the way of Clinton and Lewinsky his face fell like a lead balloon and I got up to leave. I asked if he would like to take his Diet Coke to go. Apparently, that wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

A week later he proposed to his girlfriend. I wasn’t invited to the wedding.

So, why am I having déjà vu you ask? Because once again, I found myself alone with the arrogant philanderer. I had gone almost a year without seeing Estrada and the only thing that had changed was the tan on his left ring finger. Having come in to work on a project, I was left alone with Estrada while he boasted about how wonderful married life was yet asking if he could “show me something in the back room” while holding his fly. Watching his confidence level shrivel when I told him he held no interest for me and that no, he would not be seeing my goodies (nor I his) was worth all the vodka in Russia. Or my wet bar. Whichever is greater, it’s a close call.

Moral of the story: Never trust a man with Day-Glo teeth the size of cue cards.

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14 Comments

  1. jackie
    October 04, 15:03 Reply
    You should have endorsements on this site from the people who make plastic covers for computer keyboards. Because every time I read you I next to spew whatever (alcoholic) beverage I'm drinking out in laughter.<br /><br />oxo<br />JFB
  2. Tricia
    October 04, 15:10 Reply
    I'm not a prude. I don't mind giving oral sex, and if it's a man I care about? I really like it and don't withhold it like it's a special occasion. But guess what guys? It's not the first thing I want to do when I meet you. I don't think, "God, I can't wait to get that in my mouth." (Vagina? Yes.)<br /><br />And in my humble experience, the ones that boast are the ones who have very little to boast about. I'll let the woman who loves a good chapstick-sized penis, or the disappearing dick not-so-lovingly referred to as "the mushroom," have that "show me something in the backroom" experience. I'm good.
  3. Lifebeginsat30ty
    October 04, 16:29 Reply
    Ew. Ew. Ew ew ew. Slimy Puerto Rican with huge teeth and I'm assuming a small dong? He should be thanking his lucky stars that someone married him!
  4. cornflakegirl74
    October 05, 00:54 Reply
    Lifebeginsat30ty totally stole the words right out of my mouth. <br /><br />That must have been such a satisfying feeling to deflate his ego, just a tiny bit. Ugh. I have to say though: the worse the men in your life appear to be, the better your blog posts :) This stuff makes for an entertaining read for sure!
  5. Midwestern Mama Holly
    October 05, 04:47 Reply
    Yes. Oral sex is cheating... unless youre Bill Clinton who didnt know oral sex was really considered sex.
  6. Something She Dated
    October 09, 18:40 Reply
    I bet if you actually said...sure...I'm in...he'd get all schoolboy shy and probably pee his pants. <br /><br />I'd say oral sex is cheating (but then again I don't even like too much flirting lol so my standards are oftly high...perhaps that's why I don't want a relationship?) but I digress...the cheating isn't even this guys biggest drawback (and no the teeth aren't either) it's his slimy nature...plus I honestly can't believe you didn't make more fun of him being sober. I'm disappointed in you. Sure enough I'm sober. But that's not the point :P
  7. singlegirlie
    October 20, 23:55 Reply
    Sadly, some women probably fall for it. Most unfortunate. But a great story!
  8. Caleb
    October 27, 21:41 Reply
    Sadly there are (lots of) chicks who fall for this and will, indeed, fellate a dude like this in the backroom. <br /><br />Usually they only try with chicks with obvious insecurity, so I'm assuming this guy must just be an optimist. <br /><br />Caleb
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  10. Allie Diekman
    December 26, 04:32 Reply
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  12. Elizabeth
    May 29, 21:04 Reply
    My worst this year: at the VERY moment of ... ahem ... closing the deal, I asked him if he was clean, i.e. if we needed to use protection. His answer: "Of course I'm clean. I'm married with 2 kids." ... !!!! (Yes, I need to stop drinking so much when I go out and 2) vetting potentials better.)

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