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Et tu, Facebook?

As if high school didn’t suck enough, here you are making me feel like the overweight, tall chick that didn’t go to Prom. I hate you and here’s why….

Every single one of my former classmates is happy and grateful for the fucking fantabulous lives that they have. Hm, oh really? How is that even possible? The odds are just not in favor of that and numbers don’t lie. How is it that out of the 600 some odd people that I went to school with I’m the only one that feels like shit? I’m the only one that isn’t in a blissful relationship. I’m the only one struggling financially. And I’m the only one not happy professionally.

Just because you are “friends” on Facebook with one of the so-called “Popular” people from high school does not mean that you are friends with them in real life. Guess what nerds, geeks, fat kids and color guard…those popular kids are now popular adults and still think you are a retard. So, please stop with the little messages to Nicky and Barbie wishing them happy birthday because they won’t return the favor when it’s your big day.

Your kids are NOT cute! I’m really, really happy for you that you have half a dozen kids, one on the way and a Scotty dog but I’m not going to leave you little messages telling you how adorable I think your kids are. The truth is that unless those little shits are related to me, they aren’t cute. They make a lot of noise and get dirty. And 10 bucks says you are probably one of “those” mothers that never say no to their kids. So here’s a newsflash for you…I’m probably not the only one that thinks your kids are devils spawn.

Ugly people should not have access to a camera. This includes all awkward emo teenagers trying to act like vampires. You aren’t cute either and it only took me one picture to come to this decision. I’m not quite sure why you feel it necessary to post 125 pictures of your face with different expressions and from different angles. I got it the first time. Also, pictures you take of yourself trying to be sexy ??? Are you serious? Keep that shit between you and your significant other. I don’t need to see your fat face licking your lips while lying in bed when I’m trying to email my aunt.

Don’t use your Status Update as a way to send a direct message to your honey. Especially more than once. You can post that shit directly on their wall. Or better yet, that’s what email is for. Reading “Cunt Smith: is so happy you came into my life” makes me want to gag. Is she talking to me? I should be so honored.

People in love. I detest these people more than catching Anthrax. For God’s sake, give it a rest with all the “waiting for Douchebag Jones to get off work”, “Douchebag Jones and I are going to the movies”, “Douchebag Jones just made me breakfast”. Heaven forbid you and Douchebag Jones breakup you will have quite an accurate breakdown of all the things you used to do together. Have fun cleaning up your Facebook page, moron.

The prettier you are, the happier you are. And they LOVE everybody! They love their friends! They love their family! They love their jobs! They love Facebook! Will somebody please stab me in the eye?

And I can’t forget the retard that feels it necessary to post every time he’s taking a shit. How does this person get anything done if after every time he inhales, he has to let us know about it? “Retard Lopez is waiting for that call”, “Retard Lopez is on his way to lunch”, “Retard Lopez is tearing up the strip in Vegas”, “Retard Lopez is sleeping”. NO, YOU AREN’T! Worse yet, you are THAT guy that can’t seem to stop playing with his phone while at the Blackjack table. Yes, you. No, you are not cool because you have an iPhone. You are an idiot because you are holding up the game while letting us know you just split two 7’s. Well, good for you Mr. Nobody.

So, here’s what I think is really going on behind closed doors. The people that are always happy have a gimp tied up in their closet. Barbie’s husband is gay and sleeping with her brother. The pretty people are shallow and more prone to suicide once they get their first crows foot. Those darling little children are gonna grow up and commit school shootings and those emo, photo happy teenagers are…well, there gonna grow up and be the nerds that post “happy birthday” messages to the popular kids on Facebook.

Of course, I could just stop going on Facebook but what fun would that be?

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8 Comments

  1. Anonymous
    August 08, 22:05 Reply
    well, thank goodness. i was beginning to feel like i was the only one. great post
  2. Anonymous
    August 09, 00:22 Reply
    I thought I wrote that... in my sleep! ha ha ha! wasn't I just done with facebook a few weeks ago! tooo much! thank you for writing that one! bells....
  3. Anonymous
    August 11, 18:57 Reply
    Hi, I saw your post on Craigslist and I had to comment. Seriously, Facebook is nothing but a phony place for your so called "friends" and you realize that very few of them represent actual, current friendships or even associations that you remotely value. In fact your list of contacts feels like an eerie social graveyard of expired friendships, badly ended relationships, and vague, past acquaintances you care very little about. <br /><br /><br />I prefer Yelp, Meetup.com, Craigslist because its useful, you find jobs, apartments, cars and you do real things with real people. Even on Craigslist Rants and Raves, the posts are anonymous!<br /><br />Facebook is like a bad high school reunion every night, who wants to subject themselves to that?<br /><br />Thank you for your wonderful post!
  4. JupaMan
    August 14, 20:20 Reply
    have I told you how much I enjoy your writngs? I was laughing and agreeing to everything as I was reading.. Thanks for posting this.
  5. Mistifaery
    March 13, 16:08 Reply
    It's true and sometimes I make myself sick, but mostly I enjoy the good and the bad about having kids, being married and the universe's sense of humor LOL!! I didn't take it wrong :)

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