An uneventful beginning to my online dating career
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An uneventful beginning to my online dating career

Not far off the mark

Not far off the mark

“Oh. My. God. You should totally write to him. Levi is SO cute!”

My profile had been active for approximately 37 minutes. My pictures hadn’t even been approved yet and there we were, my sister and I, perusing the gallery of presumably available men just waiting for my love and affection. Or something like that.

I’d been single for three years going on what seemed like twenty. I was 26 and in danger of becoming an old maid, at least by my aunt’s standards. I was perfectly fine dating casually and fucking indiscriminately but there was still that feeling that I was failing at “life” since I was going at it alone.

It was 2004, back when looking for love on the internet was almost socially acceptable but still not quite something you bragged about at dinner parties. The insinuation that you were not capable of finding a date was never far from the surface and the main reason my mom and sister were the only two that knew I had set up a profile in the first place.

I listened to my wise sister and wrote to Levi. Not having any pictures up yet, I was ready for the inevitable request. Upon receipt, I quickly picked the best picture of me carving a turkey neck that past Thanksgiving and sent it to my beloved just knowing he would fall in love with me as easily as I had fallen in love with him. This online dating thing was a piece of cake.

I was fairly certain that I would be able to cancel my subscription within the free three day trial period and before anyone could know that I had resigned myself to a fate of awkward meetings and incoherent chat messages. So while my sister started picking out baby names for the numerous offspring Levi and I were to have we waited for a response. And we waited. And we waited.

I was never to hear from Levi again. I guess he just wasn’t that big a fan of Thanksgiving.

Not one to be deterred, I hit the online dating trenches once again. Still feeling the sting of rejection and having wasted my free trial on the holiday hating Levi, I was now playing with the big dogs; I was now a paying member.

It wasn’t long before I came across a doctor. He seemed to fit my criteria for a man, within the planet Earth, that had his own car. He lived local, and well, he was a fucking doctor. I thought I’d hit pay dirt. At 26 I was so naïve.

We met for lunch and it was then that I learned the doctor was a master in the art of stretching the truth. Let me break it down:

His profile        v.       Truth

   One picture        =       10 years old

     6’2”        =        5’10”

         Single        =        Separated

      No Children        =       One daughter

          Doctor         =       Psych Ward

          Sports car        =        Mazda Protégé

To put it simply, my very first internet date was with a married, father of one, wearing a gold lamé button-down that worked in a mental hospital and drove a sedan. This was far from what I would have considered a successful first union.

Things didn’t fare better after that. The doctor was boring, fidgety and rude to the wait staff. At one point, even getting up from our table to go hunt down our poor waiter to enlighten him of his dissatisfaction.  It’s a sure bet that there was more than salad in our salad that day. But it’s okay because I was with a doctor.

After what was possibly the most painful (and unhealthy) lunch date of my life discussing such fascinating topics as his evil ex-wife, his wonderful now existent five year old daughter, and the many joys of working in a mental hospital, we made our way out to the parking lot. In a desperate attempt to cut things short in order to make it to the clinic on time for testing, I thanked him for a nice lunch and turned to go.

The fact that I was running did not keep the doc from reaching out to me and suggesting we go for a walk through town and then to dinner and drinks closer to “my place.”

There was no second date. There was no walk through the park followed by dinner and drinks. I wished him safe travels on his way home and made an excuse as to why I couldn’t join him that evening. He understood and let me go on my way as he didn’t want to keep me from getting back to my work of passing out calamine lotion to leprosy patients.

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2 Comments

  1. Vincent
    July 14, 01:06 Reply
    Great post. I felt your awkwardness as if I was there... I will gladly pose as your brother to rescue you the next time. <br /><br />Bye for now...
  2. MissMelisaMae
    July 15, 21:16 Reply
    Thanks Vincent! I may just have to take you up on that offer next time...

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