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An update on where my head has been

It has been brought to my attention that I haven’t been updating my blog enough. With that I would have to agree. Considering how honest I am with my writing, I still tend to not want to air my dirty laundry online for fear of being construed as negative or a whiner. But considering that this is my online diary of sorts I’m going to update those interested in what’s been going on with me lately. Just a warning, this is a bit long so grab a cup of coffee and make yourself at home.

First and most importantly, my grandmother passed away about three weeks ago. She lived an amazing life and I didn’t think I would take it as hard as I did but the moment I saw her breathe her last breath I felt as though I had been kicked in the gut. As time has gone by I have achieved a certain level of peace with her passing that I haven’t experienced before. My grandfather passed about seven years ago so knowing that she wanted to join him makes me feel as ease that she isn’t alone anymore. But I consider the mourning process to be a very selfish act. It’s for us that are left behind to grieve. I know she’s in a better place and no longer suffering so my tears are only shed because I miss her.

Employment (or lack thereof):

I should probably write “it sucks donkey balls” and leave it at that. But I’m going to elaborate as I’m sure I’m not encountering anything that some of you haven’t come across also. As I’ve mentioned in at least one of my previous posts, I don’t have a degree. Who would have thought that not having this piece of paper would affect my professional career this much? I used to be of the belief that a strong work ethic, stable history and good references stood for something. I’ve been proven wrong. It has come to my attention that “on the job” experience literally means shit in this market. I’m actually appalled by employers these days that post job listings requiring a Bachelors degree with starting pay at $9 an hour. Where does that leave me?

Also, my credit is so disastrous that I should be declaring Martial Law. I’m not sure where these companies get off having the right to run my credit if I’m not applying for a position that requires anything more extensive than answering a multi line phone system but they do. I find it a Catch 22 that with so many people in the same situation as myself their credit is bound to be damaged when put out of a job. To think that I can actually not qualify for a job before I’ve even had the chance to interview due to my poor credit leaves me feeling hopeless.

So, if I hear one more person ask me “have you tried Monster.com or Yahoo Hotjobs yet?” I’m going to shoot myself. Please don’t insult my intelligence by inferring that I haven’t even tried searching for a job on even the most basic of employment networking websites. Trust me when I tell you I’ve tried them all. Even going so far as to apply for anything part time, beneath my experience level and far less than what I need to actually maintain my existence.

Love Life:

My search for love is going about as well as my search for work. I just don’t seem to have the patience any longer to deal with somebody new and their issues. I’m cleaning house with the men in my life at the moment and my online dating life has pretty much come to a stand still. But let me give you a brief rundown as to why my heart and legs are closed tighter than security at the Pentagon.

Nigerian #2 – I won’t even waste a whole 3rd blog entry on him. He had the audacity to tell me I was using him for sex and was argumentative because I felt like sleeping after working a 12 hour day and then driving home from Vegas (a five hour drive). Then when I couldn’t describe my life’s dreams, hopes and aspirations in 30 words or less he said I wasn’t as “driven” as he. Well, fuck him and his trying to shove it in my ass every time I wasn’t paying attention.

The Drummer – You haven’t heard about him yet and you won’t except for this little blurb. He calls himself an actor and a musician. This egotistical asshole has been in and out of my life, at his convenience, for the better part of 4 years. He told me that he’d “be in touch” when I wouldn’t drive out to Silverlake to pick his lazy ass up and then drive him home again in the morning. Especially knowing that I wasn’t working and could barely afford the gas it took to visit my mother. Fuck him for acting like he was doing me a favor by letting me hang out with him.

The Ex – The one true bullet I’ve dodged as an adult. I thought I loved him till he broke my heart over the phone. However, despite having broken up over 8 years ago and him being married with two kids he still calls me to be his side dish. He’s Armenian and I should have known that this little white girl didn’t have a shot in hell of getting married to him. As in stereotypical fashion, he married a good Armenian girl but likes his white meat on the side. He’s a cliché in every meaning of the word. But I really wish he would just leave me alone as I’m not interested in being somebody’s “other” woman. I don’t need anyone’s sloppy seconds. Fuck him for making me feel like a whore.

Ugly John – I met this guy several years ago through a friend. He looks good on paper and has a voice so sexy your panties almost come off by themselves. However, he’s ugly as homemade sin in person. I know that he’s been practically in love with me from the beginning but I’ve never felt any spark for him in a way that makes me want to “settle down.” Perhaps that’s why lately he’s felt it necessary to shit on my dreams and every idea I’ve come up with to try and better my financial situation. He takes playing the devils advocate to a whole new level. Not to mention, the moment I told him I had quit drinking he stopped asking me out. I know this is because he can no longer “drink” me into bed. Fuck him for being desperate and transparent.

The Cop – You’ll hear about him. He’s also the reason why I’ll never date another man in uniform. Unless it’s for UPS or Subway. I never thought somebody could be so devious and outright untruthful. Without going into too much detail and ruining the surprise for when I do write about him let me just tell you that I would have easily given up my devil may care ways to be his lucky lady. So fuck you, Mr. Cop, for lying to me dead in the eye then coming back to try and rip at my heart once more.

Loverboy – You’ll hear about him too. Another selfish prick that wouldn’t spit on you if you were dying of thirst.

The Neighbor – I’ve been in love with this fool for the better part of 2 years. But actions speak louder than any words I could ever write…and I’m a damn good writer. Never trust a man this smooth talking. And no matter what he says I can’t help but get the feeling that he’s hiding something from me. We’ve been through hell and back and I take much of the responsibility with the way things have gone but I don’t take it all. If there ever was an example of “He’s Just Not That Into You” then this would be it. He tells me I’m reading too much into things and that he does care about me but when you have to beg somebody to visit you for an hour every 3 weeks then it’s a clear indication that you’re not one of the priorities on his list. I’m not sure if he deserves a “fuck you” or an “I love you.” Either way, he’s the only man to have my heart breaking this bad in the last 8 years.

As if the things I’ve already mentioned weren’t enough to keep me in bed with the covers pulled tightly over my head this happened:

This morning my 23 year old cousin found it a fitting time and medium to call me a whore on Facebook (I should probably mention that my blog is, with the exception of my best friends, anonymous and she has not read it. I also only see her but maybe twice a year as she lives in Hawaii). Not quite sure where the animosity came from but she’s always had a smart mouth. I usually let it slide because she’s family but this morning she was out of line. She was actually responding to a status update I had posted seeking a back transplant due to my back having just gone out (I thought it was funny as did several of my friends. Apparently, she did not). Despite realizing how childish this whole thing was I still engaged in a little Facebook fight for everyone to view. Stupid? Yes. Did I feel better after having schooled the little bitch in common courtesy and manners via the social networking website and email? You bet your ass I did.

However, this little squabble really bothered me. Much more than I even care to admit for it seems like the running theme of my life at the moment. I’m not sure where those close to me get off on feeling it necessary to judge me and make me justify my actions but it’s getting pretty tiresome and old.

So, I’ve been giving this whole episode a little thought. Trying to determine if there really is in fact something desperately wrong with me or in those feeling the need to kick me when I’m down. At this point, I make no apologies for the person that I am. Contrary to what those around me may want to believe I’m rather happy with the person that I have become. I don’t intentionally hurt those around me and I give when I can. I have my vices just like the rest of us and I’m far from perfect. I’m often times selfish and speak my mind but I’m never malicious…unless it’s deserved.

I often get the feeling that because I’m 31, free spirited and still single those around me feel like they have the right to treat me as an irresponsible child. Considering that nobody is supporting me at the moment and I’m taking care of myself I don’t see why family and friends have the right to judge me or burden me with their petty views on what I should or should not be doing. Am I just an easy target because I’m alone? Would I be getting such persecution if I were married? I’m treated as if I’m the wildcard and therefore nobody takes me seriously and they feel completely justified in making remarks and comments letting me know exactly how they feel about the situations in my life. Did I ask them for their opinions? No. Why? Because I don’t care.

I’m not sure what brings all this attention on. Is it jealousy that I’m doing just about whatever the fuck I want? Or is it just a case where people feel so bad about themselves that the need to tear others down without any consideration for others feelings is justified in their minds? I’m not quite sure. As long as I’m not hurting myself or others, these people need to back off and leave me alone.

I realize that by venting on this blog nobody that really needs to know my feelings about this are actually reading but since I can’t afford therapy I’ll take my self prescribed “blog therapy” in lieu of paying a shrink. In reality, I don’t find the need to pay anybody anything to try and figure ME out. I have a very keen awareness of myself and my actions. I know why I am the way I am. I know why I do the things I do. I know how I’ll react in certain situations. Whether or not I choose to listen to myself is another story entirely but as far as figuring ME out, I think I’ve got it pretty well covered and I didn’t have to spend thousands of dollars to do it either.

So, at this point, you know what? I give up. I give up on trying to make those around me happy because no matter what I do it just isn’t going to be good enough. I’m no longer going to seek approval and justification from those I love and those around me. It’s time to look out for number one. And right now number one is me. I’m not even going to apologize for that coming across as abrasive. It is what it is and that’s how I feel. If somebody doesn’t like it they can choose to not be around me. It’s as simple as that. I’m no longer open for “friendly suggestions” or “helpful observations.”

What it boils down to is this. I just want to be happy. I want to be surrounded by those that laugh at my jokes, make me smile and support me emotionally in those times that I do need a shoulder to cry on. I want to be able to support myself financially and take care of those around me. I don’t need to be rich but I want to be stable. I want a man to be by my side that compliments the attributes that I have to offer. Somebody that loves me regardless of my little quirks and idiosyncrasies. I want to eventually have children and a cat. And I just want to be accepted for the person that I am. I’m not sure why these things that seem so simple are so hard to come by but despite these trials and tribulations I still hold out hope that one day I will achieve the goals I have set out for myself.

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5 Comments

  1. At the risk of getting smacked by my Sagittarian twin, "Do you love yourself," comes to my mind. I'd leave you a bottle of tequila or vodka but you're not drinking, so how about a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Ain't that something? *hugs* Keep trying for work at indeed.com, it will save you the efforts on the other sites. And just before you smack me one more time, I'm going to say, "What about school via some student loans (with a co-signer if need be)?" I could see you making a killing as a massage therapist. OK, well, maybe you're laughing right about now. Either way, I'm sending you some love from way the hell over here and wishing I could hire you!
  2. JupaMan
    October 25, 01:35 Reply
    wow spicey... just wow... I didn't even know anything about the drummer, I'll have to remember to ask you to tell me about that one. My heart goes out to you girl, and I hope you know that I'm always here for you, and I'll always be here for you. we wouldn't be friends if I didn't like the way you are.. you can trust me on that. <br />oh hey, don't know why, but that reminds me; I still owe you $10 from the bet I lost. remind me next time I'm online. ;)
  3. Candz
    October 25, 03:03 Reply
    Awww M! I am so sorry about the loss of your Grandmother. Sending you good vibes, hugs and smokes (and fat stacks if I had em!) I can relate to every bit of this post. I've actually thought about starting a blog to chronicle my job hunting so that I don't have to keep repeating the same verbal descriptions of each day's failures to satisfy everyone's curiosity just because they felt like asking "How's the job hunt going?" I guess I also feel the need to prove that I am in fact doing my part to find employment. After those exhaustive efforts I have no resources left within me to find, build or maintain a relationship. But things will change, they always do. And like Pipi Longstocking, we shall always come out on top! :)<br /><br />(wv is "gulatio" LOL)
  4. Maruska Morena
    October 26, 23:10 Reply
    Oh Girl!!! You made me cry. With the exception of the recently deceased grandma (all my grandparents are deceased as of many years ago), I'm so far into your boat I feel I could have written this. Actually I might be in the boat ahead of yours, as I said "fuck you" to what other people think a few months ago when I bought my new bed - a gift to myself to start a new life since the divorce, and since my 'bed' at the time was a 8 yr old well-used futon - and my "loving" pregnant sister commented on my facebook post of it "if you have money to just throw around, I have some medical bills coming up soon"<br /><br />Family - can't live with them, can't shoot them.<br /><br />I'm glad though that you've decided to make yourself happy and do what you want.. and that you're reordering your life to contain those that enhance you not bring you down. Life is hard enough without people hanging onto your feet holding you back.
  5. draagonfly
    October 27, 06:00 Reply
    Good for you finally reaching the point of "Fuck everybody else!" I wish I would get to that point faster myself. Mind if I follow you?<br /><br />What IS it with employers not even looking at your resume because a) you don't have a degree (I don't either), or b) your credit report sucks? (Mine does too because of the LAST time I was laid off!) And while I like this whole applying for jobs online in your pjs thing, you get no PERSON or phone number to follow up with so there's not even a chance in hell of getting an interview unless you exactly fit their formula. Which people like us don't. I soo soo feel you on that one girl!<br /><br />Hang in there. :) Happiness is what you choose to put your attention on. Be grateful for what you DO have and it will multiply. I've found this mantra to be extremely effective as well: "My income is constantly increasing." I swear every time I say it, I get some side work the next day. It's the only way I've been getting through.

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