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Hell Week Isn’t Just For The Military

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am never, ever, EVER moving again. Ever.

EVER!

When am I moving again?

Never.

Good, just so we are clear.

What is it about the process of moving that throws one’s life into complete and utter disarray? Even things not connected to the move itself seem to hit the fan and scatter like confetti. Leaving me with the feeling that the only thing to help pick up the pieces is my bad back and a pair of chop sticks.

I’m actually amazed that I’m able to sit here and write some of this out at all as I’ve been hit with a severe case of writer’s block. I can only hope that once I get settled into my new place I am able to resume my often times unfair yet cathartic bashing of dating, love and the male population in general.

But, I have a confession to make. I’ve been holding out on you. My heart does belong to someone. It has for quite some time. Longer than I care to admit. And much to my dismay, this feeling is completely one sided. It has left me feeling empty, hurt, frustrated, angry and sad. All at the same time.

I only bring this up now because upon leaving my apartment I also left “him” behind. I’ve struggled for a while about whether or not to even write about him. Putting my feelings into words and onto paper somehow just makes it more real that there will never be an “us” and I have once again failed in the romance department.

Think back 2 ½ years. I was new to the building having just moved in three weeks prior. He lived two doors down from me. The only reason we met was because I had a botched booty call that arrived 3 hours later than expected while I was long asleep. My neighbor had run into him in the hall at 5am while he was roaming around telling anyone who would listen that he was there to see “the girl in 206”. The booty call and I never connected but the next afternoon I was paid a visit from The Neighbor to make sure I was ok and that the guy wandering through the building wasn’t a serial killing psycho.

After much apologizing and trying to conceal my embarrassment from the very cute neighbor, he left. I thought he was sweet and cute yet my fear of rejection kept me from asking if he was single or taken. Two weeks later I ran into him again. Twice in one day. To this day I’ll swear it was fate as I’ve only run into him once the whole rest of the time I lived there. The second time around I was coming home from the bar (read: drunk) and no longer felt the trepidation of asking him over for a cocktail. He said yes and the rest was history.

Over the course of the 2 ½ years I lived there I fell hard for The Neighbor. When trying to explain my feelings for him, I was without words. Having feelings so strong that no words could even do them justice is something I haven’t felt in almost 10 years. In fact, I’ve never felt that spark with anybody like I’ve felt it with him. Smelling his scent, feeling his lips on mine literally make my heart pitter patter (Lame? Yes. Shut up). My heart aches when he isn’t around. I think about him when I wake up, I think about him during the day, I think about him when I’m lying alone in bed at night. When I’m on a date or with another man, it’s him I long for. How does one explain these things without sounding like some crazy stalker chick? All I know is, I haven’t felt this way about a man in a decade and I can literally feel my heart breaking when all I hear is an echo to my declarations of love and affection.

Being single for so long, I’ve become quite selfish. I won’t deny it. I own it. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to relate to men in anything more meaningful than a sexual relationship. I’ve lost my patience with getting to know someone and having to deal with their issues and hang ups. I’ve become bored, stagnant, and cynical. Simply put, I just don’t care anymore.

I had a friend tell me a few years back that I had an attraction to men that were not available to me. He claimed that I used it as a defense mechanism. I argued profusely thinking that was just another cheesy way of saying I had my “walls up”. For God’s sake, who doesn’t have walls? Who isn’t a little apprehensive when it comes to matters of the heart? I did not want to be put into the category of women who relied on stupid excuses to rationalize their poor choices when it came to dating. Fuck that noise.

But I’m starting to see the patterns. Men that are married, not interested, GAY I have found myself enamored with. Men that are gentle and sweet, available and eager to open their hearts to me I find repulsive and annoying. I have become a fucking cliché.

So, when the neighbor happened along, I didn’t know how to react. I became THAT girl. I played hard to get, then laid it all out on the table, and then acted as though I didn’t care. When I didn’t get the desired response I would become angry and hurt. No wonder he got confused. I took being passive-aggressive and made it into an art form. In other words, I blew it. The part that upsets me the most is that I knew what I was doing yet couldn’t seem to stop it. Now it’s too late. I was so close to something I’d wanted for so long that I let it consume me and I fucked it all up.

He insists that I would bore of him if he ever gave in to me. Knowing my history, he may be right. Perhaps, that’s why I want him so bad. As if knowing I can’t have him all to myself makes me long for him even more.

I don’t take full responsibility for why things didn’t go as planned. He was far from perfect and had his own issues. He was often too busy to make time to walk the 15 feet to come say hi, even if he was home. Promising to make time for me “soon” every time I asked to come over. Always full of excuses as to why we couldn’t make a legitimate plan and stick to it. To this day, I’m not sure if his actions were in response to my attitude or if my attitude was in response to his actions. Either way, I’ve had to come to terms that he just can’t (or won’t) give me what I need to feel fulfilled and cared for. Not to mention, I’m not so sure I want to be in a relationship with a man that takes Tom Lykus’ relationship advice as gospel.

So, in leaving my apartment, I also left my apartment romance. I know I will never live there again and I know I will never see him again. If I could barely get him to visit me when I lived two doors down I know better than to expect a visit from him when I’m 15 miles away. But this is a good thing. That chapter of my life is now over. It’s time to move on. I can no longer waste my feelings on somebody that clearly does not feel the same way. I can’t fault him for not returning the strong feelings I have for him. I myself have often been in his shoes. You can’t force love. You can only offer it and hope that it gets returned.

With all this in mind, I consider myself on the rebound and the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody. Hello, new city….hello, new men…hello, new stories…

Consider yourselves warned….;-)

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8 Comments

  1. WAT
    March 03, 18:24 Reply
    This is an amazingly honest post! LOVE IT! THUMBS UP! I hate moving myself; I find it traumatic and annoying, so much so that I lived in my main house for some 24 years, and when I finally had to move in 2006, I almost lost it. As for falling hard for someone and them not reciprocating and being bored by the overly nice ones, BOY DOES THAT SOUND LIKE ME.<br /><br />We got issues girl, but at least we admit them.
  2. brewers_rule
    March 03, 18:38 Reply
    I disagree on the "walls" theory. I find myself inadvertently acting disinterested in ppl I truly hold torches for, not because I'm afraid of being open but because I'm leery of overstepping and driving them away easily, should that interested overmanifest itself. That's not a wall, perhaps being too cautious, nothing more.<br /><br />As for the lost love here, I would be positive (even though I'm not myself for the most part) and say there IS someone out there for everyone. You just have to maintain resolve in your search amongst the billions of ppl out there in the pool. Keep at it, Melissa.
  3. JupaMan
    March 03, 20:58 Reply
    wow!!!!!<br /><br />"Men that are gentle and sweet, available and eager to open their hearts to me I find repulsive and annoying".<br /><br />I hope I'm not repulsive and annoying, but I see how I can be. Then again, it's not like......<br />just wow... <br /><br />I'm sorry for your broken heart, its not something easy to deal with. As always, you know you have my earl.
  4. Girl of True Heart
    March 03, 22:44 Reply
    I've waited patiently to hear my friend open her heart like this. I am hoping it brings you a sense of peace as I know writing does for me. Please keep seeking that other beacon of energy, he is out there. And Sags never settle for someone who isn't willing to make us a priority in their life! Hang in there my younger, more beautiful sister.
  5. Pat
    March 04, 00:41 Reply
    Are you dating a psycho?<br />Dating Psychos is a place to post what you know about your ex psychos<br /><br />http://www.datingpsychos.com<br />Click Here to Add and Check Out the Psychos<br /><br />Pat <br />http://www.datingpsychos.com
  6. Patrick Kaine
    March 04, 04:00 Reply
    This is the first post of yours that I've read. <br /><br />A few thoughts in no particular order:<br /><br />This was a very entertaining (in a heartfelt way) story.<br /><br />You have totally opened yourself up for others (and maybe you to see), that is brave.<br /><br />It sounds like you are still getting to know yourself, the only way you can change is to know what to change (or what not to fuck with!)<br /><br />Lastly, I subscribed. There I said it.
  7. Man-shopper
    March 04, 14:13 Reply
    Moving is indeed cruel and heartless bitch, and I too have experienced that unrequited love for the boy next door. Sigh... I am new to your blog, but this post really brought me back to the real heartaches involved with fancying that wonderful guy who doesn't reciprocate. But I like your positive attitude, lady! You're going to take this new city by storm, and I look forward to reading about it!<br /><br /><a rel="nofollow" rel="nofollow">http://manshopping.wordpress.com</a>
  8. MissMelisaMae
    March 04, 17:01 Reply
    WAT, thanks...if anyone understands these feelings I know it's you :)<br /><br />Patrick Man-shopper, welcome! My posts aren't usually this melancholy ;-)<br /><br />True Heart, I do feel a little better having written about it. On to bigger and better things. Your words always bring a smile to my face ;)<br /><br />Jupa, you always know just what to say too! <br /><br />And Pat, I am not currently dating a psycho but if I do find myself in a relationship with one, I'll be sure to let you know...

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