Killing Brain Cells One Profile at a Time
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Killing Brain Cells One Profile at a Time

Yesterday, the stars aligned, the skies parted and every dumbass with a pulse came out of the woodworks to accost me with their bullshit.

Red Carvett

“What’s up babe?I weill be stright up with you.You are sexy as hell to me.And I mean no disrespect at all babe.Can I taste that little red carvett of yours?”

About me: I like to study the laws of physics and practice Shaolin. My goal is to open a school for women in self-defense. My hobbies are any variety of activies such as swimming and running. I love women and everything about them.How about that one on one – – -.Yes that.

First Date: I would like to meet her and make sure she feels comfortable and let her decide what she would like to do. My goal is to make her stay with me comfortably. And, how the date proceeds is entirely up to chemistry. However, if it were up to me then we would go out to dinner and****ails afterwards to enjoy conversation and get to know each other.

Also I’am not into playing games.I’am a one woman’s man.Seeking a woman that is not afraid to be loved by a true man of love the last one cut from the cloth of Love,Trust and Loyalty.

First of all, he wants to taste my “little red carvett”? I seriously have no idea what he is referring to here. I’m assuming he meant to write “corvette” but even so, I’m still hard pressed to find the correlation. I’m a blond. The only thing red about me are the horns I keep neatly tucked under my halo.

He wants to open a school for women in self-defense? Perhaps teach women how to protect themselves from men like, Oh, I don’t know…HIM?

And how about taking time to proofread? My eyes are now bleeding. Oh I get it! That’s what he meant by tasting my “little red carvett.” He wants to lick my tears. Charming.
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The Racist

“Hi. I’d like to take you out.”

Stats: 33 yo, 5’10” tall, never married, Black

About Me: Lets see…about me. My name is Derek. I am an extroverted type who embraces life and relishes each moment. I am hoping to meet a nice person with which to spend quality time. I am very athletic. I am a powerlifter who hopes to join the strongman circuit early next year. You will find me a cool, compassionate man who is genuinely loved by children (though I have none of my own), and has a depth of perspective that enriches my relationships. I keep my promises if when it comes at severe penalty to me and I regularly choose to be hated for being honest rather than receive love for pretending to be someone else.

I would like to meet someone who is between 28-39 yrs old. I prefer Nordic looking women, i.e., blond with blue eyes. My preference for white women is a culture phenomena for me. I am a native Alabamian. I grew up in a state that deemed a marital union between a black male and a white woman unconstitutional until 2004. So when I finally had the privilege of dating a white woman for the first time found the experience invigorating because it felt “American” to pursue happiness as I saw fit in my personal life.

Notwithstanding the above, I love women of all ethnicities. Asian, Latina, Native American, and bi\multiracial women are certainly desireable to me. In fact, I am only opposed to dating Black/African American women due to foreseeable perpetual personality clashes.

Did you notice that this guy is Black? He’s actually racist against his own race! So glad that he finds dating white women as “American”. Just to prove my patriotism, I’m going to go out and get myself a white woman, too. Then I’m going to have a slice of apple pie.  So there.

Also, men that discuss a “genuine love” when it comes to children creep me out. Maybe I should invite him over, order in and we can watch the “To Catch a Predator” series together.
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SVFRider

“..you sound like FUN! I’m nearby…ever ride on the back of a Harley? (Or ever had a Harley Man ride YOU?)…looking forward to meeting you…or “MEATING” you…HUNG (9″) here..exceptionally clean/disease-free..always HARD..insatiable and oral pleaser too.

I can host or travel.

Will

PS- You wont be sorry…I’m an effing “Rock-Star” in Bed!!!”

About Me: Well Educated, Self-Employed and highly sensual “Free Spirit”…Dog Lover here (a Mix of “Cowboy” & “Hippy”)…I have a couple of Harley-Davidsons and looking for an open-minded kindred spirit to ride with me….Some laughs, friendship and open to more.

First Date: Seeking a very open-minded and sensual woman that appreciates a very endowed man that is instaiable and a real pleaser..I can usually host at my place in the SFV. I’m open to age, race and body-type….just be like me please..exceptionally clean & disease-free.

This guy’s email is wrong on SO many levels. Who the hell says “I can host or travel” unless they are booking a prostitute? And I may be wrong but is he well endowed and sensual seeking somebody sensual that appreciates someone well endowed? I could be wrong.

Oh, and he’s 53. Yeah, no. I’d sooner hook up with my best friend’s grandfather.
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New2Cali

“Hello,well i am new 2 cali and this site,i love that u r so straight 2 the point.”

About Me: Well i was told by a friend about this site so i thought i would try it out,i am new 2 cali and so far so good,jst trying 2 meet new faces and go from there,i enjoy walks,mma,wrking out,occasionaly reading a book,Dean Koontz 2 b exact.

First Date: I think meeting in person is the best way 2 start so u c if there is any chemistry and how u feel around that person.

Did he set up his online profile with a 12 year old Nokia? Whre did he lern how 2 write & tipe?
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UFC_Guy

“wow is your profile for reals? lol straight up hu? i like that”

About Me: 6 foot 5 hispanic looking for nice people. possibly a good friend. no liars.please. i love music. going out to dance.i love old skool r and b, old skool rap and classic rock.i love a woman who is classy. yet can let her hair down if needed.no drama. i have two daughters who are my world. i am not ur typical weekend dad. i have them over 50%

First Date: nice place to have some drinks, dinner. maybe some dancing. or a little coffee house and just chopping it up…

Motherfucker can’t even type yet he’s looking for “a woman who is classy”. He love’s “old skool r and b and is not ur typical weekend dad.” He’s right, he’s probably a lot dumber than most weekend dads. Is it too much to ask him to use the Shift key when starting a sentence? All I can say is that I hope he isn’t home schooling his little bundles of joy.

And he can give UFC_Guy back his Nokia now.
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TimmyT

“add me so we can chat”

No
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Ty

“Nice”

About Me: I have been an athlete most of my life, I love workingout and hiking. I love to run on the beach. When I am relaxing, I like to watch movies, go to a movie and then I like to have a nice dinner with a nice glass of red wine. I am very simple and like simple things in life. If you like simple things and looking for a compassionate friend to hangout with sometimes, I would love to have that opportunity. Have a great day ladies.

First Date: I would introduce my new compassionate friend to a romantic evening at Sushi Rocku in Pasadena. We could start with a nice glass of wine and try different sushi of her likes. The purpose is to have a compassionate conversation to get to know each other and as the night go on, we could see how passionate, we are towards one another. A very simple compassionate and passionate date between two beautiful people of attraction.

Hmph. Compassionate friend, huh? Is that what the kids are calling it these days? In two paragraphs he has mentioned the words compassionate and passionate six times. I think I get the point. He’s looking for somebody to recite bad poetry to and poke in the butt. I know him. I’ve met his kind before.

Oh! Before I forget, let me leave you with this…

He wrote me, too. Shocker that he’s still single.

Now if you will kindly excuse me while I go wash my eyes out with battery acid. That stings only slightly less than reading these profiles did. Then I’m going to go join a dating site that requires you have an IQ over 12 to join.

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20 Comments

  1. manshopping
    November 11, 17:32 Reply
    Oh god, my eyes are burning. And I think I just got an ulcer. And I'm sure that a tumor probably appeared somewhere. All as a result of this... this horror show. After you go wash your eyes out with acid, maybe you should go get a full body scan -- just in case. I want you to be alive when I descend upon LA in January!
  2. Skye Blue
    November 11, 20:04 Reply
    I thought the 'red carvett' guy was bad (I assumed he was asking to lick your nether regions - but I'm a dirty girl), until I got to Mr. Exceptionally Disease Free. Since when is that an icebreaker?<br /><br />As for the tongue shot...I can't.
  3. Single Much?
    November 11, 20:34 Reply
    Once again. I LOVE YOU! I've definitely had my fare share of these but this seriously had me cracking up. Who are these fools and are they kidding us!? Are there seriously ANY women out there that find this shit charming?
  4. barkingupthewrongtree
    November 11, 20:43 Reply
    I have no words. <br /><br />The entertainment value is priceless of course, but we're actually trying to find quality dates on these sites and this is what we have to choose from? It's pathetic. Hysterically funny, but pathetic nonetheless.<br /><br />I gave up on these dating sites a long time ago. I don't know how you do it...
  5. Lifebeginsat30ty
    November 11, 20:45 Reply
    Sadly, this seems to be par for the course. I akin a nice decent guy on the internet (I know they do exist) as a quest for a needle in a haystack. There shall be lots of celebrating.
  6. Sarah
    November 11, 21:25 Reply
    Might I suggest OkCupid.com? It's free! Try it out :)
  7. The Serial Datist
    November 11, 21:47 Reply
    LMAO. Sarah, OkCupid is just as bad as any other...If not worse. These guys need to just get on adultfriendfinder.com. lol. At least making fun of them us worth it for the entertainment value.
  8. Shannon
    November 11, 21:52 Reply
    Oh the men that give online dating a bad rep. Like the guy in the bar who asks me to feel his guns, the dude who stalks you outside a bank (Skye thats all you baby), or the dude who hits on you by stopping the elevator - they exist everywhere. <br /><br />At least online I can, delete and block.
  9. HookerAddict
    November 12, 03:16 Reply
    <i>...Oh, and he’s 53. Yeah, no. I’d sooner hook up with my best friend’s grandfather...</i><br /><br />OUCH!
  10. One Lusty Sagittarian
    November 12, 12:20 Reply
    I see that online dating has continued to decline into a laughable waste of time. What in the hell is a single female supposed to do? I feel for you my sweet fellow Sagittarian! xo
  11. Tricia
    November 12, 14:11 Reply
    Wow. That's pretty much all I can say.
  12. boldlymocking
    November 14, 03:20 Reply
    The best part of hearing the stories of online dating rituals is that I get to hear these stories. Fan-freaking-tastic. Good stuff here. <br /><br />But so sad there are so many freaky men out there. Forrealz.
  13. CNA Training
    December 06, 11:12 Reply
    Wow this is a great resource.. I’m enjoying it.. good article
    • missmelisamae
      December 08, 09:42 Reply
      If anything, it serves the wonderful purpose of entertaining me and hopefully anybody else willing to read my attempts at mockery.
  14. Anety
    September 14, 17:07 Reply
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  15. Elizabeth
    May 29, 22:50 Reply
    Oh, Melisa Mae ... where have you been all my life? I have not been to bed tonight, such is the delight I have been taking in reading your blog!

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