The Poet

I’m going to let you guys in on a little secret. I’m kind of a smart ass. I know that may be hard to believe but it’s true. Don’t worry, I’ve come to terms with it and no amount of therapy or vodka is going to change that.

That being said, I’m also not what you would consider a “romantic”. Slow songs during Karaoke make me uncomfortable and American Idol makes me laugh. I find appreciating art difficult and I certainly have a hard time getting into poetry. This probably makes me sound like one of them there uncultured folks but I’d literally rather spend my time organizing my sock drawer or removing my wisdom teeth with a plastic spork and straw.

If you feel like hanging with me and a bottle of tequila while skinny dipping in the middle of the night, cool. That’s more my style. If you want to discuss the importance of SNL’s Tina Tina Chanuse and why you shouldn’t have a boring doorbell, that’s even better. Yeah, I’m classy like that.

So, when I received this email from The Poet through Plenty of Fish, I rolled my eyes so hard they almost got stuck in the back of my head.

Left my heart looking in the mirror, I knew I was losing it all.
A glass of vodka, without the cranberry, yes it was a bad week.
Look at the guy sleeping on the ground, what a joke.
Wait thats me, but I showered like a rich guy; with water that
sprouted from the wall.
The clouds cover the sun again, and its hard to see but this fool is
still wearing sunglasses at 8 o clock at night.
I love it when they laugh and I make everyone’s night, but I belong
to the night, to the streets of the night.
Where are you headed ? well I just ask cause I stay in Santa Monica
right next to the nice hotel, I didn’t live or work there but kinda liked it when the lady asked me if I could park her car.

At least I think this was an attempt at poetry. And if it isn’t, I’m REALLY confused. He had me at vodka. He lost me at the comma following. I’m still of the belief that if it doesn’t rhyme it isn’t really a poem. I’m more of a “Roses are red, Violets are blue. I can’t write poetry and neither can you” kind of gal.

In his defense, he did catch my attention. However, probably not for the reasons he was hoping for.

His profile listed his profession as “Writer”. He’s 33 years old, looking for “Friends”, has never been married (surprise, surprise), has no kids and only has one picture posted. With sunglasses on.

Hemingway’s Profile:

Love to play poker and shoot pool. Like a woman that can sing so I can relax and enjoy your voice. I am a writer and when I become big I wanna help animals and people who live in poverty. I would like to get to know someone so I can take them to vegas.

First Date:

coffee. coffee. coffee.

If that’s not one of the lamest attempts at trying to woo a woman than I don’t know what is. This guy must be a real hit at dinner parties. I suppose I should give him kudos for wanting to save the earth and all its unfortunate inhabitants but there’s just something about him that makes me want to vomit.

Considering that he states he’s a writer, I also would have assumed he’d have given a little more thought to his profile. A dating profile is a perfect opportunity to showcase one’s talents (especially if you are indeed a writer) and is the closest thing to a first impression one can make on the internet. He clearly doesn’t believe in spell check and considering he didn’t take this opportunity to stand out from the rest, I find him to be somewhat of a fraud.

If this guy is actually making a living off of his writing, then I give up. I guess I just can’t compete with such raw and uninhibited talent. I certainly shouldn’t write him back for fear that I won’t be able to live up to his expectations and amazing ability to put the written word onto paper.

To make the long story short, I won’t be going out with Robert Frost anytime soon.

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  1. Maruska Morena
    May 20, 16:14 Reply
    I wasn't getting Poem out of what he wrote either. Or it looked like it should have been a poem, but I couldn't follow it and lost all attraction to it before I even got to the vodka. I tried again, and got three lines in before my brain threatened to explode in order to stop me from reading any more.<br /><br />I love some good poetry though.. like Emily Dickinson, but theres a lot of really bad stuff out there. And taste in poetry varies greatly from person to person. Men should not use poetry on a woman unless they know her tastes. Period.<br /><br />I honestly don't give men who write me poems on online dating sites a second look. I see poem and "delete".
  2. brewers_rule
    May 20, 16:16 Reply
    Wait a minute, here. This dude fired off a poem w/the first email he sent you or was there some kind of build up to it? I consider myself a writer/poet by hobby but if that's the case, it should be disturbing. If a woman's a guy's muse, that's one thing that comes w/time or unrequited adoration. If a woman is an object of obsession, however, he introduces himself in the above manner which isn't exactly endearing, I'd think.<br /><br />Regardless, I've always believed high brow has its place just like low brow. But, yes, low brow does carry w/it an inherent ease with which dating does make a great companion to, in general.
  3. Single Steve
    May 20, 22:01 Reply
    Love it! Hilarious. Poetry stupid, I agree. Unless it rhymes it's not really poetry and even then. <br />What do "writers" actually write? Is that a job? People can get paid for that?
  4. Zoë
    May 20, 22:32 Reply
    Ha ha! I studied English Literature for years and consider myself a (somewhat) budding poet. If I was drinking chocolate milk, I would have spit this out of my nose by now. That's a poor attempt at poetry. <br /><br />At least we know he's taken. Didn't he say he "belongs to the night"?
  5. Tristan
    May 20, 22:43 Reply
    I'm pretty sure if you check LA as your hometown on a profile in LA you are forced to then check writer, actor or freelancer.... right?
  6. toomany2choose
    May 21, 02:47 Reply
    It's a BEAT poet! Circa 1950's. Can't you just hear it with someone playing bongos in the back?? ;-)
  7. sandman
    May 21, 03:50 Reply
    Yeah I know the type. That was me when I was twelve and lame. I wonder what it feels like to be 33 and lame.
  8. Love in the Dumps
    May 21, 04:04 Reply
    HAHA. Granade dropped in pocket, pin pulled, KABOOM! c ya poet! You are a wiseass, and boyz better be on their toes if they wanna throw down whicha
  9. singleinmy30s
    May 21, 04:47 Reply
    I've have read my fair share of good and bad poetry. I have written my share of both, as well as song lyrics. What this guy wrote just makes me scratch my head and go rrr? Someone must have told him that writer = sensitive guy = you will get laid. You'll have to break it to him that he needs to bring a bit more to the writer's desk than that to light your fire. NEXT!
  10. Marc F.
    May 21, 19:38 Reply
    That profile is practically Shakespearean for a dating site. I'm happy if the women spell "work" correctly when they write how they "work hard an play hard."
  11. Something She Dated
    May 21, 22:22 Reply
    Well...as far as icky online dating profile goes that's actually the best I've ever read...which technically says more about the freaks that like me than this guy's actual talent lol but I digress...I blame all the Charlotte's of the world for confusing guys into thinking this is what we want...<br /><br />I'm fine if they write poetry...christ I write poetry...but for God sakes keep it to yourself dummy...oy! :)
  12. manshopping
    May 23, 23:45 Reply
    "showered like a rich guy"<br /><br />???<br /><br />You've found yet another winner.<br /><br />More wickedly psychotic malarkey.
  13. KB IN NYC
    May 24, 14:32 Reply
    Oh Melissa darling, as always you crack me up. I totally concur: I can't abide a man writing me poetry. And bad poetry to boot. No thanks. <br /><br />Also, if you're a writer why, for the love of god, would you say "wanna"? I know this is the age of texting and IM'ing etc. but some things should be sacred. Please.<br /><br />Oh, and also. Drinking tequila and skinny dipping sounds like one of the best cultural experiences one can have. <br /><br />XKB
  14. Annabelle
    May 25, 18:38 Reply
    OMG - I love your blog almost as much as I love Tina Tina Chanuse.<br /><br />I cannot stand cheesy writing and the men who create it. I'm concerned that if you write those things, you don't have a proper grip on reality, because anyone with a head would know that it's all kinds of embarrassing. I'd just be afraid that that lack of perspective would start worming its way into all facets of life. It's always THESE men who describe themselves as "great lovers".
  15. Just Marlon
    May 31, 18:04 Reply
    I'm still trying to understand how clouds cover the sun at 8pm.<br />He's not drinking Vodka, he's shooting meth.

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