Tragic Dating Profiles/Emails

“im kinda new on here and i was reading your profile and it sounded like we have some things in common. being new on here not sure what to do im kinda shy at first but open up as i get comfortable im a down to earth guy who enjoys simple things and open minded in trying different things i have 2 beautiful daughters i like to golf,shoot pool,going to the movies. i listen to all types of music. there is more to me but i dont like typeing so i am better on the phone by the way my name is Ron”

**Oh really? You drink too much, smoke too much and watch Cathouse on HBO? You enjoy knitting, watching MSNBC and eye cream? Awesome! Where have you been all my life?

And thanks for letting me know you don’t like typing. I can tell you aren’t a big fan of punctuation or capital letters.


“You’re so gorgeous…

Men should get in line for you!

Wish I lived a bit closer… 😉


-Mr. Rio de Janeiro”

**It’s not his email that caught my eye. I actually thought it was simple and sweet. What made me take a double take was his profile.

Status: Not single/Not looking

Looking For: Talk/E-mail

Interests: Movies, Internet, Cable

In the “About Me” section he simply listed his personal email address.

First Date:
“On the first date I had sex a few times. I also had a nice chat for hours some other times.  I’m open minded, so I guess it’s about chemistry…Anyway, enough talking. Where’s the fun? ;-)”

**Alllllriiiighty then


“want to go to the beach on friday, get dinner or coffee and get to know eachother”

**This 18 year old jewel is the poster child for worst picture EH-VER. As if those two things aren’t enough of a reason to keep us apart he lives 2 hours away, is looking for an Intimate Encounter and had this is say in his “About Me” section…

“I have been in school for two years and want to find someone who I can really connect with. I have had some trouble in my past with girlfriends but it was their problems that caused the break up. Do not be afraid to talk to me because I am a great person. I am a very athletic person with a great body and mind”

**Really? Did he really just put all the blame for his past relationship failures on his ex girlfriends? And how many could there be at 18 years old?


“My name is Arthur and i just adored your pic and profile. I am living in Del Mar, which is North San Diego County; single, never been married, no kids. Seeking to date a white woman leading to marriage ultimately. No games. Interests include sporting events, dining out, hanging out with friends, dancing, and romantic getaways. Willing to travel to make this happen. Open minded.
Thanks! Ciao4now. Xoxo”

**Again, I don’t have much to say about the initial email except for whooooaaa on the marriage mention…but it’s his profile that ultimately made me gag a little.

2 hours away from me (wonder if he knows the 18 year old that blames all his ex – yes, I left that singular on purpose), 44 years old, 5’6” (3 inches shorter than me), a few extra lbs and balding. Please, stop there! No, there’s more…

Interests: Get-togethers with others who love God

About Me:
“Hello! My name is Arthur. I’m doing well. Jesus is my Lord and Savior!

I’m closer than ever in my life to God, at the present time.

I was raised in a Christian environment all my life.

I moderate a National/International Christian news wire that reaches thousands by Email, twice weekly.

I used to be one of the Restaurant Critics for the Union Tribune.

Del Mar is where I live.

I am in my 4th year paying mortgage on a condo. I have pets.

Church attendance is unorthodox. I am involved with lots of religious organizations. I have my finger on the pulse of what’s happening, what God is up to nowadays.

Seeking someone who wants to share passions, Christian interests, and explore the world around us. Ultimately, I want this to lead to more than acquaintances. Ciao!”

First Date:
“With that said (see above), I am worldly and materialistic, and a sinner just like the rest. I am nowhere near “holier than thou”. I like all kinds of activities, so first dates can vary widely. I maintain an open mind.”

**No, no, no, no no! Did he even READ my profile? He’s either trying to date me or save me. Either way, I’m not going anywhere with the bible thumping polar bear.


“My name is Armando and I’m Peruvian/Italian. 6’0 tall, 210 lbs, 41 yrs.

I like to play soccer, rugby, work out, travel, carnival cruises, dancing, fine dining, movies, etc.

I’m looking for someone who wants to start out as friends and see where it goes from there! A cool, down to earth woman with a great sense of humor. If there’s no chemistry, we can always be friends, simple as that!


I live in Culver City and work in Century City.

You seem like an amazing woman and it would be a pleasure to meet you.




**I have received this email no less than four times in the past six months from Mr. Copy & Paste. And guess what, I didn’t laugh at the 70’s party picture the first time around. He works hard, plays harder, loves to travel, looking for his best friend/partner in crime blah blah blah. Two words…BO RING!


“you do look gorgeous =]”

**Why, thank you Mr. 18 year old, looking for an Intimate Encounter with the headline “anyone here to fucck?”

Good luck in your search.


“how are u today, are u busy

would u like to chat?

my name is kevin, whats your name?


**The 42 year old divorcee with the Driver’s License picture has this to say in his profile:

“The Scorpio man is unlike any man of any other. Scorpios men, are very deep and intense people. Understanding a Scorpio man is important in carrying on any type of relationship with him. If you are willing to deal with a Scorpio man then you will have a loyal friend”

**There’s something about a man that only refers to himself in the third person that creeps me out.


“caall me 949 XXX-XXXX


His Profile:
“Am sweet careing down to earth romantic i love cuddleing And kissing i love going to the beach and going shopping i am very loyal to who ever i am with i never play games. I am into sports and I am kind of shy. Going out and having a good time is great but I like to stay home too. If that makes you frown upon me then thats on you cause i am a cool guy at times been called a sweetheart oh i work out to trying to better myself oh yeah is the any real ladys out there THE ONE AND ONLY ME! Better known as ONE9…Im a charming guy, whos out going….my please is to c u smile! Im known as a snicker–take your love hunger away..when u kiss me, ill be called the LAYS chips cause i bet u can just take one!…So get to know me, and find out! CAuse i Gone to a lot of places….seen a lot of faces…….. If u want me, you’ll have me! if u like what u see, you’ll stay! if your a queen, ill be your KING! …”

First Date:
“To the girl that just wants to hold hands.. -To the girl that kisses with a meaning.. -To the girl who says….”I do care”. -To the girl who just wants a guy to give their jacket up when they are cold.. -To the girl who just wants him to call.. -To the girl that just wants to cuddle.. -To the girl that just wants to sleep (no sex) with him.. -To the girl that is not scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times.. -To the girl who is thinking right now… maybe this could be the one. -To the girl that believes in her dreams.. -To the girl that would do anything so she could achieve them.. -To the girl that supports him in his dreams 100% and will help him achieve them.. -To the girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually doesn’t think it’s funny at all. -To the girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.. …”

**Will somebody please…Shoot. Me. NOW!?!

About author

You might also like

Dating for dollars?

I’ve heard of dating for dinner but dating for dollars? Hmm, who would have thought I could turn dating into a paying career? Meet Einstein. I call him this not

Sincerely, The Older Woman

Meet Joe. He’s 23, short, lives in New York and has this to say in his profile: Interests: Looking for a long term relationship with no bs or drama. First

Realistic Online Dating Profile Responses (Part 1)

Due to the overwhelming responses from all of my blogger reader (yes, singular. Anonymous, you know who you are), I have decided to post some of the more entertaining responses


  1. Dweeze
    April 15, 21:10 Reply
    Jesus. That last one gave me a headache trying to read it. And what's wrong with us bald guys? :)
  2. brewers_rule
    April 15, 21:14 Reply
    Ouch. That first one sounds like a slightly less refined ME. <br /><br />I think I'm going to avoid dating sites as long as I can and rely on my lack of charm to ooze annoyingly through in person. I can't wrap my brain around how you're supposed to sell yourself on those damn things and then, when the date happens, do a complete 180 to act totally interested in learning all about the woman you're out with. I'd be too brief on the profile to get the later date opportunity and prove my listening skills are adequate. Never been a salesman. More of a "Let's get to the point and be honest here" guy, I guess. Good or bad.
  3. manshopping
    April 15, 23:30 Reply
    Oh holy christ. These guys make me want to go back and un-reject all the fuckwits that I thought were the worst of the worst at the time.<br /><br />My favorite line was from the bible-thumping polar bear: "I have my finger on the pulse of what's happening, what God is up to nowadays."<br /><br />Good to know that he's chummy with the almighty. I wonder if he knows whether God is a boxers or briefs kind of dude...
  4. Girl of True Heart
    April 16, 04:25 Reply
    Scorpio men are poison to Sagittarian women!<br /><br />OMG woman...your losers are the losers of all time!
  5. Curvy Jones
    April 19, 15:11 Reply
    Damn. I kind of thought 'anyone here to fucck' would work!
  6. Skye Blue
    April 19, 17:02 Reply
    "Im known as a snicker--take your love hunger away..when u kiss me, ill be called the LAYS chips cause i bet u can just take one!"<br /><br />Really dude? <br /><br />What scares me about this line is that from what my male friend's tell me, guys tend to use lines that worked in the past repeatedly. Does that mean comparing himself to ever so irresistable snickers bars and lay's potatoe chips worked for him before?<br /><br />I was seriously considering jumping back into the whole online dating thing, but after reading these messages/posts I'm having second thoughts.<br /><br />*shuddering*
  7. JupaMan
    April 20, 19:32 Reply
    OMG you have to create a series on these posts. I think they are hilarious and you have to post more of it... pleeeeeeeeease?? :)
  8. MissMelisaMae
    April 22, 07:38 Reply
    Thanks to all of you for the comments. Crazy stuff, huh? And I swear, I didn't change a single thing! Welcome to my world ;-)

Leave a Reply

CommentLuv badge