Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me!

Like most women people, I don’t like being told what to do. I’m a cut off the nose to spite my face kind of gal. Tell me to “have a nice day” and I’m likely to have a shitty one just to spite you. I’m gangsta like that.

My mother has learned this the hard way. She has had her hands full with me more than once. She actually knows better than to tell me to find a nice man and settle down for fear I’ll bring home the Oakland Raiders for Christmas dinner and an invite to accompany me to the Maury Povich Show for a “secret”. My mother has developed whiplash from shaking her head whenever I mention my “future ex husbands”.

Along those lines, here are a few things that men like to tell me when making contact that make me want to kick them in the gonads.

Please don’t tell me…

1. …how funny you are. You’re a part time comedian? Well that must mean you are really good then. Only doing it part time and all. Who wants to be funny 40 hours a week when you can just do it for 20? Working smarter and not harder, are you? Fantastic. You guarantee you will make me laugh? Yeah? When? Or does that start tomorrow because guess what? Your profile was boring, your picture with the cross-dresser was too obvious and the “Yo momma” jokes are only funny a) if I know you and b) if you’re momma really is that fat.

2. …my mother would love you. Newsflash, my mother doesn’t like ANY of the men I bring home. It’s a fact. And it’s actually taken me 15 years to figure out why. Because they were all assholes. Of course, the next time I bring home a gent and ask my mother what she thinks of him, I’ll still insist she just “doesn’t know him like I do” when she replies with “uhm, he seems nice” and walks away. Knowing this, the odds of you being one she actually likes are not in your favor. Can’t argue with statistics, darling.

3. …you treat your woman like a queen. Ever see that sports commercial with the guy whose spine was removed by his girlfriend and goes around smelling lavender candles? That’s you. Pussy whipped following your woman around like a puppy dog for fear she will let another dog piss on her. Or, you’re just full of shit.

4. …you are looking for somebody that is fit or likes to stay in shape. My profile clearly states “a few extra pounds”. Do I look like somebody that goes to the gym for fun? The only thing that gets me to the gym is if I know there are going to be good looking men there. Your farmer’s tanned, underweight physique is not exactly what I would consider a desirable body type either.

5. …you love your job. Unless you are Oprah, I don’t buy it.

6. …you’ll send me a picture if I will just send you my email address. Yeah, no. All I know about you is that you are “looking for your partner in crime”. Without a picture or any real defining personal information in your profile I can only deduce two things about you. First, you are really, really boring and unoriginal or second, you probably do, in fact, have a criminal record. Either way, I’m not interested.

7. …you love a girl with a big ass. I don’t think I even need to explain this one.

8. …hOw MuCH fUn U R. I’m sure you are. If I WaS 12 yEaRs oLd.

9. …you are looking for a lady on the streets but a freak in the sheets. The only thing I find more irritating than online dating clichés are song lyrics. Unless you actually wrote the song lyrics, please don’t include them in your profile to describe what you want in a woman. Strike that. Don’t EVER put song lyrics in your profile.

With that said, I have a date later this week with a guy that finds a big ass sexy, says my mother will love him, claims to have a killer sense of humor and enjoys his job. This is going to be super.

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  1. LarryLilly
    November 03, 17:29 Reply
    Is he your unknown paternal twin brother removed from the hopsital by loving staff fearful that would eat him alive when you got your first permanent teeth?<br /><br />But serioulsy, I hope the date is great, and hey, it might be so good to warrant a second.<br /><br />Yeah, right!
  2. jackie summers
    November 03, 17:55 Reply
    I bet he likes long walks on the beach and making love in the rain....<br /><br />oxo<br />JFB
  3. Skye Blue
    November 03, 19:31 Reply
    Oy! The number of people with absolutely NO personality online is astounding. Good luck on the date.
  4. MissMelisaMae
    November 03, 22:41 Reply
    LarryLilly - Uhm, ok?<br /><br />Jack - Exactly ;-)<br /><br />Skye - Thanks! Should be interesting...
  5. Just Marlon
    November 04, 23:59 Reply
    Ugh!! #6 is the one I HATE the most, especially when I have a pic posted. And those without pics always say, "I'm really attractive...trust me, you won't be disappointed" Yeah, right!<br /><br />Hey, hope the date is great (and if not, at least entertaining enough to warrant a blog post) !

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