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Mike the Schoolteacher

As a child my hormones kicked in at about 11 years of age. I hadn’t even so much as kissed a boy yet knew that I wanted to have sex with one. I wasn’t quite sure what sex meant but I knew it involved kissing, fondling and a bed. Preferably a very cushy bed. Of course, fast forward 7 years and me witnessing my first penis and I almost fainted. “You want me to put THAT WHERE?!?”

Thus began my fascination with just about every male school teacher I had. Seeing pictures of my former teachers now, years later, I was clearly blind. But, at the time there was just something about these teachers wielding their iron rule over hundreds of students that made me want to get naked. So, when Mike the Schoolteacher emailed me through Plentyoffish.com my mind jumped back to my Lolita days and I felt the sudden urge to play The Police. Unlike my schoolgirl crushes this guy was very good looking by today’s standards. I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t have every intention of playing detention with Mr. Mike.

Mike the Schoolteacher was a 34 yo, 6’1”, non-smoker looking for a long-term relationship. He never married, had no children and lived just down the street from me. Here’s what he had to say in his profile:

“I’m from Indiana. And I teach (so I’m off all summer!). I’ve been told that I’m wine spitting funny and I’m the best boyfriend LA county! I would be interested in meeting open-minded (No prudes:), conscious and enlighten individuals who happy with who they are and may be into snowboarding, camping, dogs, working out and motorcycles. I’m looking forward too meeting new people.

picky and lonely are friends and the enemy of happiness

Thanks for looking.”

Now, if I see one more profile that says I’m going to fall in love with you, my family would adore you or you are the best boyfriend in town, I’m going to shoot myself. If you are so fucking wonderful then why are you single and why are you online? You should have been snatched up years ago and living the life that most of us can only hope for. So please, spare me your egotistical overconfidence when you know that you are just as fucked up as the rest of us.

Also, for him to write he’s interested in “meeting open-minded (No prudes please)…individuals” basically tells me he’s looking to get laid. Not that I mind that but what I find ironic is how he can state that he’s looking for long-term when he really wants to stick his dick in your mouth. How many of the men you’ve boned on a first date have taken you home to meet momma? None? My point exactly.

So yes, I met him anyway. I have a tendency to over think things and am a bit cynical (oh stop it, you say) so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We talked on the phone and our personalities seemed to mesh quite well. Of course, that’s not really saying a lot considering that I can pretty much hold a conversation with an empty chair. But, he was cute, tall and made me laugh so off to meet him I went.

On a whim, we decided to meet at one of the local Starbucks. Unfortunately, the Starbucks was just closing so we ended up talking in the parking lot for about an hour. He was interesting. I almost felt like I was interrogating him with all the questions I had about school girl crushes and his experiences with them. When he started to tell me about how cute some of the girls were and how many of the male teachers at his school actually dated some of those girls my adult instincts started to kick in and I wasn’t so turned on anymore.

He assured me that he wasn’t a serial killer and asked me back to his place for a beer. I obliged. Once inside he turned on the T.V. and he went to change. When he came back and gave me a kiss I didn’t think much of it. When he straddled me and tried to stick his dick in my mouth The Police soundtrack that was playing in my head came to a screeching halt. Not only was his pecker not as big as I had hoped but he was well…trying to stick his dick in my mouth.

Needless to say, we haven’t gone out again…

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6 Comments

  1. A True Heart Girl in Jersey
    September 07, 23:10 Reply
    You left out the part about dressing like a schoolgirl. Oh wait, that's my story...<br /><br />Glad you're back. I freakin missed you like a an online friend misses someone across the country. Or something like that. <br /><br />Fuck me. LOL No, not you. Just, you know. Fuck my life.
  2. Just Marlon
    September 09, 03:33 Reply
    Good to read a woman's perspective of online dating..I thought only my experiences were horrifying
  3. Candz
    September 09, 05:12 Reply
    Regarding the oversell of internet dating, you have created quite possibly the best line ever written: "spare me your egotistical overconfidence when you know that you are just as fucked up as the rest of us"<br />Girl you have a hammer and you keep hitting with it! Love ya, mean it! - T
  4. JupaMan
    September 09, 05:14 Reply
    so wait.. I feel that you left us hanging? did you stay? did you leave? did you fuck him? did you insult him? what happened? are we going to finish it in our minds? :)
  5. Maruska Morena
    September 10, 19:48 Reply
    You are much braver than I. And locally I've heard schoolteachers are some major whackjobs. Its really scary.
  6. Anety
    September 14, 15:23 Reply
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