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Parole Officers Count As Men In Uniform, Right?

The Parole Officer’s Profile:

“ONE man can love a million women,but only ONE REAL man can love ONE woman in a million ways.(and i truly post that quote genuinely.)as far as getting 2 know one another,i feel most guys approach women and reveal way too much about themselves,leaving nothing 2 the element of surprise.The only thing u need 2 know about me is that i have A LOT of POSITIVE energy and i’m really FUN 2 be around.Thus leaving us more 2 talk about and more fun in getting 2 know one another.I’m 36,but anyone and everyone thinks i’m barely older than 26.(I’m very thankful 4 that,it’s a blessing.)With the right girl,trust me,every week is a valentines with me.I go ALL out 4 that special girl,because that special girl will stand out from all others in doing the same 4 me.Everything is ENERGY and KARMA,i truly believe that.4 every WRONG girl that didn’t appreciate a GOOD guy,there’s a MS. RIGHT who’s waiting 4 the perfect time 2 quickly replace her.(and vice versa)(because everything in life is timing.)Whether a serious or casual relationship,i’m communicative,humorous and fun in all aspects of life.I’m as stimulating and as EXTREMELY passionate as any woman can ever wish and hope 2 meet and find in a guy.I can’t lie,i LOVE thick n curvy women.If u always wanted 2 date or hangout w/a guy w/hazel eyes(they change from brown 2 green in the strike of any bright light on them.)and have a weakness 4 guys with deep dimples,well that’s me,n your in luck.=)

The old cliche “girls just wanna have fun” is a cliche because it’s true.Women care more about having fun with you than if your financially successful or attractive.Women are more at ease with a man who is humorous because his very nature is light hearted.Not that i’ve never been told i’m sexy,and believe me,i love the attention!!!~lol..=)but my physical attributes and all the money in the world could never compare 2 the person i am HUMOROUSLY..LOL…but yet the comfortable,communicative,and very balanced,GENUINE man i am as well.Some girls want something casual,some want something serious,most don’t really know period..lol…and that’s ok,no set rules,let’s just enjoy it,life’s 2 short not 2..=)it’s not the date,but the fun company you’re with,and with me,everything and anything is VERY fun..i’m CLASSY,i’m BAD BOY,yet GOOD HEARTED,i dress NICE w/SO MUCH STYLE,smell GREAT,EXTRA CLEAN,CONFIDENT,but not ARROGANT…”
Let’s just assume that this profile was written by somebody with a reading level above the 3rd grade, shall we? If I went into grammar nazi mode this entry would be a whole lot longer.

I don’t want to hear how laid back you are. I don’t want to hear how great you are. I don’t want to hear how funny you are. Am I laughing? No. So basically, you are a liar too. Good start.

So why did I meet the Parole Officer? Because he was cute.

I can fully appreciate a man with a healthy level of confidence. As long as it doesn’t cross over into cockiness, I’m accepting. The moment any man starts telling me what a Godsend he is I log off.

His profile said 5’10” but upon meeting he admitted that he was really 5’9”. I guess he figured he’d better own up since I stand at exactly 69” myself. I applaud his honesty but I’m not quite sure it’s wise to risk your word and admit to lying when it’s only 1” in question. But he did have gorgeous eyes, dimples and a job so I gave him the 1” and decided to let it drop. Laying down we are all the same height anyway.

Against every dating rule in the book, I met him at his place. I make no apologies. I did my research and deemed it safe enough for me to visit for a few hours before he had to leave for work. But maybe that wasn’t such a good idea after all. You can learn a lot about a man by the residence he keeps.

He had a studio apartment and from the looks of it had been there quite a while and accrued a good many items to fill it. Being half Italian, half Irish it was clear that he took his heritage very seriously. He made a point to let me know since his last name translated to Lion he was a strong male and therefore decorated his entire apartment to reflect that. Now my last name roughly translates to mean briar patch yet you don’t see me decorating my place in a tangle of vines. I’m proud of my roots but not THAT proud. Call me crazy.

Mr. Officer was also heavily into Ju-Jitsu and had a bunch of stuff on the wall that I will never know the meaning of. I’m sure it all meant obvious shit like Strength, Loyalty and some other crap that you see too often in tattoos on men that have taken one Karate class and consider themselves deep.

On his only window, instead of curtains, he used two fleece blankets. One being from “Beauty and the Beast, The Musical” and the other being of “Scarface”. On the wall opposite the Ju-Jitsu wall was his shrine to all things Al Pacino and “Scarface”. He made a point of letting me know that despite him being blond with hazel eyes he’d been told he looked like Al and they shared the same bone structure. As far as I’m concerned, he looks like Al Pacino about as much as I do. Again, stop TELLING me who and what you look like! I’m not blind!

So let me get this straight. He’s laid back, wonderful, funny, outgoing, a Lion, 5’9” and resembles Al Pacino. Please, why stop there, oh humble one? I’m obviously completely incapable of coming to my own conclusions.

To me he sounded like somebody that had watched one too many Sopranos episodes then learned how to construct a conversation at the Gang Banger School for Language Arts in East LA. Come on, I’m a 32 year old woman from Pasadena that considers Old Navy to be high end. I don’t do slang and I most certainly have a hard time pulling “gangsta” off.

He also bragged about being good in bed. Or rather, he told me that he didn’t need to brag about how good he was in bed because he’d never had any complains. This, in my eyes, constitutes as bragging.

He was wrong about that too.

After I was done and beat from doing all the work while the lazy bastard enjoyed my *ahem* enthusiasm, I was tortured by being forced to listen to Frankie J remixes on CD compilations that his past lovers had made him. Oh, the excitement *yawn*. From now on, the reverse cowgirl doesn’t come out until at least the 3rd time we get nekked. That’s too much effort to be putting out on a one time only, unimaginative gangster wannabe that insists you leave your shoes by the front door.

For me, the only good part of the evening was when he put on “Roadhouse” with Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliott. This led to a discussion on men and aging which naturally led to my lifelong adoration of all things Sean Connery. Maybe telling Mr. Officer that I’d totally have a threesome with Sam Elliott and Sean Connery wasn’t the best post coital pillow talk but after the rather dull “meeting of the minds” we’d just partaken in I didn’t much feel the need to censure myself.

I grabbed my purse, my keys, said a quick “talk to you later” which really meant “don’t call me, I’ll call you” and was out the door.

Moral of the story? Sean Connery is still the best looking 97 year old I’ve ever seen and I would still have a threesome with him and Sam Elliott.

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7 Comments

  1. brewers_rule
    March 10, 18:19 Reply
    Yet again, I leave your blog dazed and confused as to how guys this pathetic are worthy of your passions.
  2. Riff Dog
    March 10, 23:43 Reply
    This is a very funny post. I do love a good internet dating horror story. ;-)
  3. Girl of True Heart
    March 11, 02:06 Reply
    On his only window, instead of curtains, he used two fleece blankets. One being from “Beauty and the Beast, The Musical” and the other being of “Scarface.” --------- I cannot type more I am laughing my ass off so hard I might piss my pants.
  4. Lucky Girl
    March 11, 13:51 Reply
    MissMelisa - this whole post is genius, uncomfortably and hilariously funny!!!<br /><br />spit my coffee out at "...then learned how to construct a conversation at the Gang Banger School for Language Arts in East LA."<br /><br />also, makes me feel good to know i'm not the only one who's gone on the date cuz "he was cute". sadly, mine didn't have contrasting window panels of Beauty and The Beast: The Musical and Scarface, but we can't all find perfection...
  5. caligirl714
    March 11, 17:28 Reply
    Melisa, I'm not trynna judge you but I just want to know one thing: did his skin glisten by the light that was casted from his one window & "Beauty and the Beast" sheets? LMAO!
  6. Mistifaery
    March 12, 22:33 Reply
    WOW! Well at lease you now know why he's still single!! <br /><br />A Studio with a B&B blanket... I'm speechless LOL!! <br /><br />It's such a waste of what sounds like a very cute guy!!

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