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The Bumblebee Community called…they want their color scheme back

Never meet a guy without seeing a picture first! Those are the nine most important words of advice I can give in regards to Online Dating. Just. Don’t. Do. It.

EVER.

I met Mr. Bumblebee on Match.com at the beginning of my online dating foray. At the time, I was working for a National Insurance Company and as luck would have it, he was one of our independent agents. Being new to the game I wasn’t as adamant about making sure I had plenty of pictures to go by. In lieu of these pictures I simply did my research of him from within my own company walls. I contacted the marketing rep for his territory and grilled her on my new potential match. The glowing recommendation I received was more than enough for me to agree to continue on with our plans on meeting face to face without pictures. The marketing rep assured me that he was extremely nice, “oh so cute” and had “the most beautiful olive skin.” Miss Liar described him as tall, with black hair and brown eyes. I was sold. Really, she had me at “tall”. It should have donned on me that I was asking a salesman to sell me on the idea of meeting this independent agent. I was being double teamed…and not in a good way.

We decided to meet on a Friday night in Old Town Pasadena. There would be lots of restaurants and bars to choose from and plenty of people around should I need a quick escape. Since I had a rule that I never walk into a bar alone we decided to meet at the corner in front of a bagel shop. Since we hadn’t actually seen pictures of each other we had to go on our own descriptions. I told him I would be the 6’ tall blonde in black. After all, with heels on I am actually 6’ tall and with my blonde hair and fantastic rack I’m kind of hard not to notice. I don’t mean to toot my own horn but I sort of rock in the busty blonde department. The Agent told me that he was “about” 6’ tall (which I know now really means 5’8”). He also said he had been told by many that he looked like Carson Daly. I didn’t particularly think that Carson Daly was gorgeous but he was no elephant man.

I got to Pasadena a little early because I wanted to see him before he saw me. I found my little corner and braced myself. He called me on my cell phone to say he was in the area looking for parking and that he was driving a yellow Amigo. Sure enough, as soon as I hung up the phone I saw the little girlish, yellow jeep drive by. It seemed even more ridiculous after actually seeing it in person and the visual I had of Carson Daly driving the yellow Amigo was enough to make me giggle to myself as it certainly did not portray the manly image I was hoping for.

I waited for about 10 more minutes knowing that finding parking on a Friday night might take him a while. Then, from across the street I saw a tall, dark and cute Carson Daly look alike. I began to smile thinking that perhaps this was going to be okay after all. Carson was looking right at me and I was certain that this must be the Amigo driving agent. Being pleasantly surprised I stepped to the curb anticipating our first meeting in the flesh. Carson walked right up to me and with a twinkle in his eye handed me a flyer for a near by event. Apparently, and much to my dismay, this was not my agent. I stood there stunned for a moment. This guy was 6’ tall, had dark hair, olive skin and seriously looked like Carson Daly! What are the odds?

A moment later I was approached by another gentleman. He had seen me standing alone and came up to say hi as I’m sure by this point I probably looked like a lady of the night. I explained that I was waiting for a blind date and he suggested I ditch the date and grab a beer with him instead. After my disappointment with the Carson look alike and seeing the Amigo I was definitely tempted but even I’m not THAT much of a bitch. Okay, I am but that’s neither here nor there. However, I welcomed the conversation since I had just spent the last 15 minutes waiting for a stranger looking like some hooker working the corner of Colorado Blvd. and De Lacey.

As we were chatting I looked again across the street and saw “the agent.” I knew it had to be him because he was staring straight at me…and short. And in a small way he did actually resemble Carson Daly in that they had the same hair color. Actually, him telling me that he resembled Carson Daly would be much like me telling you that I resemble Selma Hayek. Sure, we are both women but that’s where the resemblance stops cold. When I saw the outfit the agent was wearing, I almost bolted for the nearest open door for fear of being stung. He was wearing black shoes, black slacks, a black T-shirt and to complete his outfit, a yellow leather (or rather, pleather) jacket. As if the yellow Amigo wasn’t bad enough I was going on a date with a grown man dressed as a fucking bumblebee. I stifled my laugh and introduced myself as it was clearly too late to run.

Having gotten over the initial shock of his amazing ability to match his vehicle we walked over to the local sports bar. The fact that I was at least 5” taller than him didn’t help matters either. We found a booth and Bumblebee kept finding it necessary to practically sit on my lap. Despite me continuously inching away from him. At one point, I had to actually turn in the booth so that I was facing him and put my knee up on the seat between us just to give myself some personal space. It didn’t take long before he was inviting me to Mexico for Thanksgiving. Apparently, he didn’t believe in wasting any time. I could see what had made him such a good salesman. The only problem was that I wasn’t interested in what he was selling.

The sports bar we were in had a dance floor and being Friday night they had a DJ. Bumblebee told me that he wanted to dance but I lied and said I had hurt my foot at work and ordered another Double. The idea of him trying to bump and grind his crotch with what I’m almost certain was an itty bitty erection was too appalling to even consider.

At this point, he started to massage the back of my neck. If he had been the hottie I was hoping for the physical contact would have been welcomed but coming from a man dressed as an insect I didn’t want his hands anywhere near me. I shrugged them off and asked him to stop. It was still quite apparent that my hints of disinterest were not getting through to him, even when I asked him to tell the bartender to turn up the volume on the TV that was on above the bar. He thought I was joking even though I don’t remember stuttering when I said it. Finally, I felt as though I had given him a respectable about of time and told him I was exhausted from a long work week and needed to get home.

Bumblebee Man insisted on walking me to my car and while en route grabbed my hand and tried to show me some of his salsa moves. As soon as he tried to spin me I ducked into my purse, pulled out a cigarette and lit it. I was seriously hoping that he was one of those people that considered smoking to be a deal breaker. I had never hoped for someone to find me so repulsive in all my life. But even that didn’t deter him. At the very least, I hoped that it would keep him from trying to give me a kiss good night. But as luck would have it the Bumblebee didn’t mind the smoke. Oh yay. The desperation this guy exuded was palpable. I almost felt sorry for him. I wasn’t really trying to be rude. I was just trying to get and keep his hands off of me.

Once we got to my car I felt that it would be rude not to offer him a ride back to his since he was parked in a different parking structure several blocks away. After all, he was a nice guy, I just wasn’t interested in dating insects with wondering hands. I pulled up just outside his parking structure. As I yawned he continued to talk about going here and there together and even wanted me to accompany him to a party the following night which I politely declined. I couldn’t get this guy to shut up! Finally, I interrupted him by (AGAIN) telling him how tired I was and thanked him for the cocktails. He wanted a hug good bye so I leaned over and he STILL went in for the kiss. Thanks to my speedy thinking and foresight that Mr. NotSoBright was going to try anyway, I managed to turn my head just in time. His lips found my cheek just as I ducked to open his car door since he had apparently forgotten how to do so on his own. He reluctantly got out of the car and said he would call me later. Which he did and which I didn’t answer. He tried calling several times after that but he must have finally gotten it into his head that there was going to be no “us” and gave up.

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3 Comments

  1. "I was going on a date with a grown man dressed as a fucking bumblebee" OMG thank you for my morning laugh. I needed that!
  2. Maruska Morena
    October 13, 20:53 Reply
    Hilarious.. and boy girl are you braver than me. I would not have even offered him a lift back to his car. *shiver*
  3. Candz
    October 14, 19:50 Reply
    "I was being double teamed…and not in a good way." <br />LMAO! Love it. <br />The "non hint getters" make me wonder if they are stupid, in denial, or just hoping to wear you down. Bet with the salesman it was the latter...and right after his phone call to you rolls to voicemail, he lovingly caresses his yield-sign-yellow pleather jacket and tells himself he is "overcoming objections"

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