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And THIS is why I’M still single…

Ok, before I continue on with my latest entry I want to take a moment to thank everyone for the wonderful and kind words in regards to my last post. As much as I try to stay out of that “dark place” sometimes I can’t help but be enveloped by it. I’m feeling much better now and as much as I tried not to write about it I do feel a lot better after having done so and after being reminded once again that I am not alone.

That being said, don’t tell anyone I have a soft side. I wouldn’t want it to ruin my streetcred. Now, on to shamelessly making fun of others. I happily present to you this weeks Plentyoffish.com’s emails:

Subject: So I don’t meet all your criteria…

…but I figured I would message you anyway.

I am sure you are getting hit on by tons of creeps and weirdos – that’s to be expected. My guess is that you are looking for someone who is nothing more than a boy toy – basically a walking, talking dildo.

OK – well if that’s what you want, then good luck.

But if you want someone who has a somewhat more intellectual view of sex – who has studied it and understands in ways that most men never do – then you should message me back and we can talk.

I live in Sherman Oaks – so all you would be risking is maybe an hour for a drink.

Let me know if you are interested.

Cheers,
Elan

**I will not be meeting Elan. Why? The main reason is because he’s “recently separated”. Sorry, but I don’t date men that are married. Secondly, he’s got a baby mama. He SAYS they get along and that there is no drama. I’ll believe that the recession is ending tomorrow before I believe that line of B.S. Thirdly, he’s Canadian. Just kidding! Thirdly, he also says he’s 5’10” which means he’s a good 5’8” (I’m 5’9” so that won’t work) and his beard rivals Santa’s. Next…

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hello. name’s Eric. read your profile and i thought i would say hi. just curious…. are for real? it just seem you’re a little raw… not that it bothers me. just saying

**I won’t be going out with Eric either. Not because of anything that he said but because of his pictures. His smile screams to me “GAY”. I love my gays and my roommate is gay so nobody can accuse me of being a homophobe but in one of his pictures he’s actually trying to deepthroat a sushi roll…need I say more?

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When you gone let me tear that ass out the frame

**Just in case you guys aren’t sure what I’m thinking, I will not be going out with this guy. A-W) His email??? Hello? X) He lives in South Carolina. Y) He’s 21 years old. Z) He looks like Chance from Real Chance of Love on VH-1.

Just for kicks let me share his profile bio:

“My name is Rashaud but they call me Shaud. I’m real laidback and a real person. I don’t lie and I’m humble. I joined this as a joke but if you want to hit me up I will respond.Real recognize real.”

**Uhm, no thank you. NEXT…

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u r BEAUTIFUL!

**u r LAME! He also recently started running and is looking for someone to go to church with. Sorry, but I’m not that girl…

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Subject: G

wasup sexy

When I didn’t respond he emailed me a few minutes later:

why are you being mean?

**Aside from the fact that he’s 5’7” his pictures look like he’s a Russian gangster and the medallion he’s sporting on his hairy chest (yep, he included a no shirt pic) would make Michael Phelps jealous. He says he’s looking for “Long Term” but he has literally nothing else filled out. Under Profession he put “N/A”. That’s probably because “Russian Mob” wasn’t under the list of options.

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And the most creepy email of them all…

First of all, you are not a mess, as you say, you are just a “Sagg”, which means, that;s the nature of the beast. So we are part man, part horse. Simply put, we are horses asses half the time, right?From the very first word of your profile, I understood you. Loud and clear. Scarey isn’t it? How many men used that as an opening line to get in your pants and really meant it? Idon’t know if you are familiar with the zodiac signs or if you even believe in them. I do not profess to have any great knowledge of them myself but it has interested me enough to crack open a book on the subject from time to time.For instance. It is a scientific fact that the moon has a great impact on our oceans. Their tides, high and low, depending on the phase of the moon at the time. So, if that be true, why wouldn’t the other planets in our solar system have some sort of impact on us. It’s not designed to fortale our future but more to understand where each of us are coming from.Now, you and I and about 4 gazillion other people share the same birth sign, saggitarius, right. It is considered a fire sign. Now what happens when you build two fires and you put them together? It gets H-O-T, HOT. Passionate, sweaty, blazing hot. In everything we do. And we are able to understand each other more so than any other sign. That too is the nature of the beast.So, I suggest we start a couple of fires and see what kind of blaze we can ignite. How does that sound?

**It wasn’t the email that creeped me out as much as who wrote it. Albeit, the email was a bit strange. The author of this piece of work is 46 year old fellow Sagittarius looking for an “Intimate Encounter” and someone “whose appetite for sex meets or exceeds my own”. And lets just say that time has not been kind to him. He looks like somebody’s bald grandpa. He was also nice enough to include a picture of him in a wife-beater tank top. All that glorious old man skin showing. Awesome. No, I will not be starting “a couple of fires to see what kind of blaze we can ignite”

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HI BEAUTIFUL LETS HOOK UP. LOL

**NO

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I even got emailed from a girl…

Subject: Sorry to bother you…

but I was just checking out the competition & your profile is AMAZING!!!!! Clearly the best read I’ve had in forever. Just wanted to thank you!

**This amused me and truth be told, she’s better looking than 99.9% of the men that email me on here. Too bad I don’t play for that team.

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I was left out when it said non drinker because i don’t drink.. but i also don’t pass judgement on those who do….But the fact that you want a virgin with no ex girlfriends… figure if you can have wishful thinking for that i can have wishful thinking that you’ll actually reply to this message… only time will tell cause after all the whole looks things (full dark hair…. how about a full dark head)

Here’s his profile:

I’m pretty laid back. I work hard through out the week so when I have free time I like to do things that keep my mind free and a smile on my face. I’ve only meet one girl from this site and we ended up becoming close friends and thats why I haven’t been on here…. But now she has a boyfriend so i figured i’d come back and meet someone else new and interesting.

**This is the guy that is every girls “Best” friend that she never wants to date. I had that feeling by looking at the pictures long before I even had a chance to read his bio. No, I won’t be going out with him either. Next…

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Subject: I usually don’t…

sport wood reading profiles, but I guess yours is a somewhat different…

He’s involved in the Entertainment Industry and wrote this in his profile bio:

“Interested in somebody that has the potential to grow in a relationship. I like to have fun, live life to the fullest, I don’t get scared easy, and I want to be with somebody who knows how to laugh and avoid the drama or take it on and still laugh at it.”

**He listed approximately four profile clichés. For that reason alone I will not go out with him. And he has a cheesy smile.

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interesting profile…. can i ask you something personal?

hi….. enjoyed your honesty… you live somewhat nearby, i prefer curves, etc.. like what i see and hear/ do you like very well endowed men?

**NEXT!!!

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3 Comments

  1. "Simply put, we are the horse's ass half the time...."<br /><br />Laughing my fucking ass off.<br /><br />Wow, just wow.
  2. Dweeze
    October 30, 18:57 Reply
    The Sagg one has to be a joke. Right? Right? *sigh* It probably isn't. <br /><br />I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize on behalf of my gender, specifically on behalf of older men everywhere.
  3. Julie
    November 04, 15:28 Reply
    OMG, don't you just want to scream at the serious lack of NORMAL men out there?<br /><br />Ugh.<br /><br />Come and enter my blog giveaway!!!

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