Another Stellar Online Dating Profile
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Another Stellar Online Dating Profile

So.

I’m sure all of my reader (yes, you) are wondering what has happened to the love of my life, Mr. NYPD.  Basically, he’s stupid, I’m amazing, his loss, it didn’t work out, yada, yada.*

Not to be one to let a little set back like wounded pride and a broken heart stand in my way I’ve decided to jump head first back onto everybody’s favorite free online dating site, Plenty of Fish.  Truth be told, Mr. NYPD and I weren’t an item long enough for me to even take my profile down.  I didn’t even get the glorious satisfaction of changing my Facebook status to reflect my newfound monogamy.  Bummer.

As if in answer to my loneliness, I thought my prayers were to be answered when upon checking my inbox there awaited an email from HOTTCHOKKLATT.

Seeing that chiseled muscular body on my screen was enough to bump my pulse up way over 200.  Unfortunately, his profile had all the ear markings of a fake.  A single photo of a gorgeous man with a gorgeous body that likes sports, some college, interested in dating but wants nothing serious.

About Me: I LIKE SPORTS FOOTBALL BASKETBALL GOIN TO GAMES OR JUST WATCHING ON TV I LIKE HANGIN OUT N DA PARK N SHOOTIN HOOPS GOIN TO AMUSEMENT PAARKS OR JUST HANGIN WITH MY HOMIES AN CHILLIN SO IF U HAVE A QWESTHUN FEEL FREE TO AXE ME. BOOYAA!!

First Date: DINNER DRINKS OR SOMETHING FUN ILL TRY ANUTHING

Interests: BADKETBALL FOOTBALL JUST CHILLIN

There’s no discernable information included to distinguish him from any other generic dating profile despite his excessive use of spelling slang and penchant for the Caps Lock key.  Still, I decided to engage in a battle of wits in the hopes that the Old Spice guy (who I hear is single, btw, ahem) look alike really was for real.  Here is our engaging, intelligent and more than a little painful correspondence:

HOTTCHOKKLATT: supp white girl i likes my women white n phat u down??

Me: Yes. (What can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic)

HOTTCHOKKLATT: Dats wat i wanna here but 1st wat can u doo for dis black man??

Me: Teach him how to spell. (I’m also an asshole)

HOTTCHOKKLATT: Damn doan trip on a nigga wear u at white girl. ??

Me: Are you for real?  (Highly skeptical)

HOTTCHOKKLATT: WTF!!! U wanna ax kweshtuns o u wanna get down n dirty wassup witch u every
one no white hoes r easy

Me: Gotcha. Have a nice night, Einstein. (Aaaaand I’m out)

HOTTCHOKKLATT: Huh?? Wat dat mean

Before I continue, I would like to commend Mr. HOTT on the most creative spelling of “questions” that I have ever seen.  Wouldn’t it just have been easier to just spell it right?  Either way, this was also a clue to me that this profile was a fake and somebody just having fun.  Nobody is this stupid.  Right?  Right?!?  If I’m wrong then I weep for my future in online dating.

If I’m reading Mr. Creative Speller correctly, he likes white women.  He also likes to get down and dirty.  He doesn’t like women to ask questions and he thinks that white women are hoes.  I’m perfect for this guy.  I happen to be a white woman that doesn’t usually ask too many questions because I’m too busy being a hoe.  There, I said it.

So, what I’m thinking is this; as long as I carry along the Urban Dictionary with me at all times I can totally make this work (I’m nothing if not optimistic).  In return, he will do this one thing for me.  He will walk around at all times sans shirt, only wearing jeans.  Assuming, of course, that HOTTCHOKKLATT is really the cocoa butter hottie playing in the surf and not some middle aged white guy with Cheeto stains on his 20 year old Beavis & Butthead t-shirt.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  I happen to love Cheetos.

.

*He’s not stupid, I’m not that amazing, it’s probably more my loss than his and I fucked things up.

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20 Comments

  1. Jackie Summers
    May 10, 07:48 Reply
    I looked up "kweshtuns" on UrbanDictionary and it isn't defined (yet). On behalf of all brown skinned people who actually speak English, I'd like to say: WTF?!? oxo JFB <span class="cluv">Jackie Summers recently posted..<a class="4ef66c8c93 3631" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.jackfrombkln.com/top-10-reasons-to-use-condoms/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=top-10-reasons-to-use-condoms">Top 10 Reasons to Use Condoms</a></span>
    • missmelisamae
      May 10, 08:23 Reply
      Oh how I wish you had a brother (not to be confused with Brotha but that would work, too), Jack.
  2. Skinny Dip
    May 10, 08:19 Reply
    When the alternate slang version of a word is more difficult to spell than the correct spelling, I scratch my head. But, what are you going to DOO? I really, really hope that this is a fake profile. <span class="cluv">Skinny Dip recently posted..<a class="551ede62c5 3632" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.skinnydip.ca/files/031e71d6534025016ed6b31a6d4da021-37.html#unique-entry-id-37">Oh- Hello Lover!</a></span>
    • missmelisamae
      May 10, 08:22 Reply
      I do and I don't. I hope it's a fake because I'm insulted by his ignorance. I hope it's not because...well, he's smokin' hot!
  3. Sam Sharpe
    May 10, 09:28 Reply
    "supp white girl i likes my women white n phat u down??" Wait a sec? This sh** works? I've been doing things all wrong. I need to get my ghetto fab-ness on...LOL. This is hilarious.
    • missmelisamae
      May 10, 09:36 Reply
      It's amazing the shit one can get away with when they have a rockin' bod.
  4. Man-shopper
    May 10, 13:28 Reply
    Oh good god merciful christ. I had to read his parts aloud, sounding everything out like I was in second grade phonics class -- just so that I could figure out what was going on. I probably sounded as stupid as he actually is. When I got to "kweshtuns", I was stymied. No clue. But I must give him points for creativity on that one. <span class="cluv">Man-shopper recently posted..<a class="6e4ccbf79a 3643" rel="nofollow" href="http://manshopping.wordpress.com/2011/05/08/mr-sexy-suit/">Mr Sexy Suit</a></span>
    • missmelisamae
      May 10, 13:51 Reply
      You know how they say (whoever the hell "they" are) that as long as you keep the first and last letters of a word in place you can still read the words despite rearranging the letters in the middle? Apparently your mind compensates and corrects the errors. For example: Fcuk. See? I'm thinking that HOTTCHOKKLATT is really quite intelligent and was just posting an experimental profile for the sake of research. That's what I'm telling myself anyway because we all know that really attractive people are ALWAYS smart.
  5. Terry D.
    May 10, 15:07 Reply
    Hey booful - I didn't have that bod when I was 19 and just out of basic training - I must be lucky tho - apparently my brain is sexy - Maybe we can arrange a transplant ;-) Meanwhile you just keep being georgeous and the rest of us will just have to get used to our status as lesser beings' grinsandkisses Ter <span class="cluv">Terry D. recently posted..<a class="9dfb0e4e26 3645" rel="nofollow" href="http://trainwrecklove.com/?p=92">Slut</a></span>
  6. Skye Blue
    May 10, 18:18 Reply
    If this dude isn't a fake he's the most no game havin' dumbass brutha around. But then again you mad kweshtuns axin' white girls who wanna 'trip on a nigga' and play like u ain't hoes prolly like dumbass bruthas, dontcha? ;)
  7. Roxanne
    May 10, 21:49 Reply
    Ha! He should never speak, Never write. Never wear a shirt. Sounds like the perfect relationship. <span class="cluv">Roxanne recently posted..<a class="d67aa33d17 3653" rel="nofollow" href="http://just-ask-kim.com/just-ask-kim-social-marketing-newsletter-5-09-11/">Just Ask Kim Social Marketing Newsletter 5-09-11</a></span>
  8. Lusty Sagittarian
    May 11, 05:00 Reply
    You definitely missed an opportunity there. Your teaching English career could have soared. Here's one of those ridiculous paragraphs that make me scream, "Just because it can be read, doesn't make it right!" I cnduo't bvleiee taht I culod aulaclty uesdtannrd waht I was rdnaieg. Unisg the icndeblire pweor of the hmuan mnid, aocdcrnig to rseecrah at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mttaer in waht oderr the lterets in a wrod are, the olny irpoamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rhgit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whoutit a pboerlm. Tihs is bucseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey ltteer by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Aaznmig, huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghhuot slelinpg was ipmorantt! See if yuor fdreins can raed tihs too.
    • missmelisamae
      May 11, 08:39 Reply
      Just reading that gives me a headache. Hm, sort of like reading the email correspondence between me and Mr. Hott.
  9. Marrie
    May 11, 15:20 Reply
    Oh, Good Lord! Wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry! In reality it was probably a 16 yr old white kid who posted a pic he hijacked off the internet from an overseas Axe ad {or at least we can hope}! <span class="cluv">Marrie recently posted..<a class="3d84b542d7 3676" rel="nofollow" href="http://dirtyinpublic.com/index.php/404/mommy-issues/">Mommy Issues</a></span>
    • missmelisamae
      May 12, 10:33 Reply
      Exactly! I don't know what's scarier...that this guy is for real and still writes like that or it's some acne proned teenager with too much time on his hands and no friends.
  10. Trevor
    May 23, 09:13 Reply
    He sounds more like Ali G impersonating someone street than a real black guy. His comments were fun to read, you kind of have to stay alert as every syllable brings something new and unexpected...
  11. Salina Palone
    August 30, 12:01 Reply
    I recently stumbled on your present web site, however i'd like to convey i have to say i loved your posting, cheers.

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