Chris Hansen…Where You At?

Text to my BFF:

Me (8:17pm): Yesterdays recap. Was told I make my HS science teacher inappropriately “happy” cuz I’m sexy, asked to “practice” in bed by a guy I went to school with bcuz he and his wife are swingers, rcv’d multiple texts from a pimp (another story for another day), and had my blog posted on a porn site to help with donations (Thanks, D! XOXO). I’ve only been up since 10am.

Me: Oh, and I had spaghetti for dinner.

BFF: I’m exhausted just listening to you!

This is my motto, “Go Big or Go Home” but even I have my limitations. Yet Tuesday proved to me that it is possible to have two full moons, during the day, on Earth. Considering that I’m not working at the moment, have no specific love interest to occupy my time and have decided to lay low from the internet dating scene I still seem to have a plethora of things to keep my mind a’ buzzin.

Allow me to elaborate:

I’ve decided that it’s time that Facebook and I either need to sit and have it out or it’s best that we part ways. If I’m not constantly being bombarded by the 100% happy 100% of the time soccer moms then I’m being annoyed with the people that post status updates thinking they are funny when they clearly are not. Anyone that has kept up with my blog should already be aware of the feelings I have towards Facebook and my tendency to consider it a necessary evil of sorts. It allows me to cyber stalk yet still makes me feel unworthy.

I didn’t think much of it when I received an email and a Friend Request from my old 8th grade science teacher saying that I was one of his favorite students. I mean really, how could I not be? I was filled with warm memories of the goofy looking, younger than most science teacher with a pregnant wife at home. He was funny and probably the only reason I know anything at all about genetics. Unfortunately, I’m sometimes horrible about returning emails so I just accepted his Friend Request and called it a day.

Fast forward 20 days and me posting something about a bumblebee stalking me on my balconette (also referred to as my mini balcony) and I received yet another email from soon to be apparent Mr. Should be on “To Catch a Predator” creepy high school teacher guy. This is what I got…

”HA! Quit putting sexy pictures on your site and you won’t be stalked! Although the bumblebee threw me… besides i like your pictures and comments”

Ok….EEW! Ignoring my gut, I actually responded to this email. Having a tendency to over think and often times overreact, I figured that this must be one of those times. Considering all the time I’ve had on my hands lately, it is entirely plausible that I may have misinterpreted his innocent remarks as a come on. Plus, I happen to think I’m quite adorable and therefore almost expect to hear it from most people. I’m not sure if my ego is so high that I expect flattery or so low that I need it. Whatever the case, I’ve got a great rack and this is a fact.

I felt my response was pretty innocuous and innocent:

“Hey Mr. Smith! Or is it Steven now? Even at 31 I still feel the need to address you by Mister! How about a compramise? Mr. S?

So, where are you teaching at these days? If I remember correctly, I heard a few years back that you were no longer teaching at LC. Those students are definitely missing out. The first thought that came to my mind when I got your “Friend Request” a few weeks ago was you having a discussion about Evolution v. Creation with Jane Doe. I thought that was well played, Mr. S! HA (Jane, btw, just contacted me a few months ago to get back in touch. She’s now Jane Doe-Doe if you care to add her as well). Funny thing, this Facebook…

Your daughters are beautiful. If I also remember correctly, wasn’t your wife pregnant at the time I had you as a teacher. My father always used to warn me that the older I got the faster time would pass. I hate to admit it but he’s right. Hm, mental note, tell the pops he was right. He’ll love that!”

The very next day I got this back:

“How about Steve?!I’m not a teacher anymore. I’m in the education business now- tutoring, afterschool programs, office and school supplies, books, games, all kinds of stuff- if you’re interested, go to my profile and check my profile for websites.

It’s weird after living month to month on a teachers check, now it’s a little different. I live on 20 acres in Santa Clarita ( Sand Canyon), a house on the beach in SanDiego and a house at Lake Tahoe. I make more in a day than I did in a year of teaching.

But the best thing is how precious my daughters are. They are my life. They have to be, as my wife is a raging alcoholic and we’re separating-I have to keep her from my girls, who she keeps deserting.

Sorry for that last paragraph, but I’m right in the middle of it right now.You seem really happy and I love reading your posts. Yes I did look at all your pics and tried to tilt the screen down…lol I’m 48, not dead!

I looked up a bunch of LC kids when the fires were happening. I’m glad I did. I’ve gotten a lot of wonderful letters.Keep in touch.”

Wow! Just Wow! So I was right! He was hitting on me and he is a pervert. Was anyone else completely caught off guard when he went into the small tangent about his wife being a raging alcoholic? I also can appreciate the way he threw out that he’s now wealthy. But, I guess when you are a 48 year old, almost divorcee with an alcoholic wife, have four daughters, are short, fat and ugly you need some sort of selling point. There just seems to be something so intrinsically wrong with a teacher hitting on a student when the last time they had any contact was when the student was 13 years old.

So, what did I do with that information? Well, I asked him for a fucking job. I know what you are thinking and to that I say WHAT-EVER! (Shameless plug #1…buy my shit and help a girl out). I should have known right then and there that was a mistake and honestly, I did, but if this guy has so much money and is clearly in need of an Administrative Goddess then why not share the wealth? Ok, maybe he doesn’t need a secretary but just in case he does I wanted to make sure he knew I was available. I’m working all angles and leaving no stone unturned.

Instead of emailing me back, the moment I logged onto my Facebook I was accosted by Mr. High School Teaching Pervert via instant message.

“hey to be clear, i haven’t flirted with anyone in 17 years. I believe in honor and loyalty and that stuff, but she has deserted me and it felt good to talk to you. I hope you don’t think i’m a creepy guy”

This is my thinking, if somebody has to tell you they are not creepy, guess what? They ARE!!!! With that, began the downward spiral of inappropriate innuendos and propositions on the part of the teacher. I’m not particularly sure what it is about me that bring out the crazies but I need to go wash my forehead just in case I have written in permanent marker “Hey crazies, come bug me and PLEASE start telling me how hard my pictures make your cock.” Since when did phrases like “Hello” and “How are you?” take on the meaning “I want to bend over and let you take me from behind?” Just wondering…because I think that Webster needs to update his dictionary.

As if it couldn’t get any worse, Creepy Science Teacher guy proceeded to tell me that he smoked pot. Like that was some badge of honor and he was trying to impress me with how “cool” he was now. I seriously felt as though I were in an “Afterschool Special” gone awry. When the conversation geared towards me making him “uh…happy” I’d had enough. Awkward! Discussing my old science teacher’s erection was definitely not on my agenda for the day.

P.S. One last thing, knowing my predicament, he did offer me a “loan” with “no strings attached”…

GTH: How do you know he’s not just trying to be nice?

Me: Because he’s talking about his hard on at the same time…

Yep. That pretty much sums it up.

Stay tuned for Creepy Married Swinger High School Alumni guy…

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  1. Maruska Morena
    September 25, 21:47 Reply
    EEEEk... I have no idea what I'd do if any of my old teachers did that. *shiver*
  2. Anonymous
    September 25, 21:49 Reply
    awwww im the bff!! i got on your blog!!
  3. JupaMan
    September 25, 23:26 Reply
    only you baby, only you. I'm glad I gave you support on IM when this was happening.. .Two moons. LOL
  4. A True Heart Girl in Jersey
    September 26, 17:38 Reply
    Phew, now that I have the entire situation rolled out um....yeah. SO obviously creepville. A little bile just came up to the back of my throat. Erk. You need to put up photos of some ugly woman instead of your gorgeous self. We have to hide the pretty people from the creeps!
  5. Candz
    September 27, 15:20 Reply
    Two words spring to mind:<br />1. EW<br />2. NEXT!<br />Love the "good morning" texts with your BFF! Good stuff :)
  6. [...] I may have picked up a job…FINALLY. It’s a part time job, but a job none the less. Thanks to Mr. Creepy High School Science Teacher Guy. He runs a program that tutors underprivileged children. So, as excited as I am to finally get a [...]

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