Dude, Stop Calling Me Dude.

There are three things that will guarantee a response from me. One, if you are hot (The Fireman). Two, if you amuse me (Willy Wonka). And three, if you piss me off. Yesterday, I was pissed off.

To make the long story short, I was first sent an email from Mr. Damn Obnoxious Uber Cocky Harassing Egomaniac (D.O.U.C.H.E) about nine months ago. I wasn’t interested the first go round after he bombarded me with emails asking if I could handle his charm, good looks and muscular physique. Had he actually been any of those things I surely would have handled him, and then some. However, the 30 year old, 5’10, 135 lb. Sales Rep with a Bachelor’s Degree just wasn’t doing it for me.

His barrage of one liner emails became so incessant that I finally responded by saying simply “Thanks but no thanks”. Of course he wrote back asking why. I’m sure his mind had been blown that I wasn’t swept away by what could only have been created by the Greek God’s themselves when giving life to such a perfect mortal.

If his pictures weren’t anything to write home about, his profile certainly wasn’t helping matters either.

Im looking for a cute and smart woman who I can have a connection with, date, and fall in love with. Chemistry and physical attraction should be there, as well as mutual respect.

I have a good job in sales which I really enjoy. I graduated from UCLA with a b. a. in political science and live in Newport Beach now. I want to buy my own condo soon. I like to work out, and it would be nice if that person keeps fit. Oh, and ladies, when I say Im 5ft 10, it does NOT mean Im really 5ft 7 lol.

I love to laugh so a sense of humor is a must. Intelligence is a turn on, I cannot stress that enough. Head games, selfishness, or flaky behavior is a turn off. I have a sarcastic and playful side, but I balance that by trying to treat people like I want to be treated. Lets meet for a drink and see if we click.

Read: Looking for love, chemistry, the Fountain of Youth and pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. He loves to laugh? No shit. He’s fit and wants you to be fit. Sense of humor, blah, blah, blah. No head games, or flakes, yada, yada, yada. Claims to be educated yet can’t seem to get a grasp on simple things like basic punctuation.

Generic pictures, generic profile. Where has this guy been all my life? Sorry I didn’t meet him sooner. We should get together ASAP so that we can knit potholders while watching Jeopardy and spying on our neighbors from rocking chairs. Perhaps for an encore we can discuss AARP benefits, fruit cake recipes and debate the pros and cons of providing condoms to high school students.

As tempting as that all sounds, I eventually found it necessary to block Mr. Douche. I’ve got better things to do with my time than to spend it dodging some prick that can’t take No for an answer. Moving along…

Yesterday, out of the blue, I had the pleasure of being bombarded once again by emails from Mr. D.

Mr. Douche: Still scared of dating cute guys with nice bodies?

Where is this mythical cute guy with a nice body that he constantly speaks of? I thought I had blocked this moron. Looks as though Mr. Persistent went and got himself another profile. Awesome sauce.

Me: Yes, clearly that’s it.

Him: Well whats your deal then?


I’ve played this game with him before and I have no desire to play it again. Now he’s just getting creepy. I’ve taken to hiding my pots, pans and rabbits.

Him: Dude dont take this the wrong way but you’re not exactly Angelina Jolie and you’re so NOT out of my leauge. Why the whole arrogance? Are u only into guys who make you feel smaller or something?


Him: Not out of my leauge dude.

Now I’m ready…

Me: First of all, DUDE, stop calling me dude. Second of all, it’s quite apparent that in addition to not being nearly as attractive and in shape as you claim, you are also not a rocket scientist. To most people, the silence would be a clear indication of disinterest and let it go. You seem to be confusing my lack of interest for arrogance.

However, if I remember correctly, you hit me up a few months back using another profile name in which I did tell you I was not interested. To continue harassing me is a clear sign of your immaturity and ignorance. Also, I’m not sure of which league you are referring to but I highly recommend that the next time you try using such large words, learn to spell them correctly.

For you to actually write “Are u only into guys who make you feel smaller or something?” makes you an idiot. Get over yourself and find somebody else to bother.

And for the record, you are correct about one thing…I’m not exactly Angelina Jolie. I’m blond.

Then I blocked his ass. Again.

Only two things could have come out of this union. He’d either end up wearing me as a suit or I’d end up on Dateline sporting the latest fashion in orange jumpsuits. Either way, I’d lose.

**Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time somebody has mentioned this distinguished “League”. Jack from Brooklyn has also had the pleasure of being the receiver of such unfortunate and misguided spelling. I highly recommend you read his post discussing his participation in what he refers to as the “Age of the Internet”.

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  1. jackie
    September 14, 16:27 Reply
    If you can't spell LEAUGE you're probably not in it. Don't you wish life came with block/delete buttons?<br /><br />oxo<br />JFB
  2. singleinmy30s
    September 14, 17:09 Reply
    Love your ultimate response, putting him in his place without sinking to his level. You rock!
  3. Asa
    September 14, 17:22 Reply
    Great entry...that latest subject of yours, well, he's straight-up bush league, if not below. That "guys that make you feel smaller" bit? Insult of insults...you deserve better.<br />Besides, Angelina has absolutely nothing on you, Melisa Mae!!! xx
  4. mychickenfeed
    September 14, 22:34 Reply
    thanks for the post missmelisamae! Think the douche was desperate more than anything else. Everyone looking for a slice of the good stuff. The douche could have been more respectful to you, no is no - no? I always say, chase, and you chase away!! thanks for the post!
  5. Skye Blue
    September 15, 00:01 Reply
    First of all I have to say I love that<br />Mr. Damn Obnoxious Uber Cocky Harassing Egomaniac = D.O.U.C.H.E. F'in brilliant.<br /><br />Love the post too. After reading it I was left with only one question:<br /><br />How does someone so clearly unsexy (5'10" and 135lbs is all the proof i need of that) who clearly lacks a personality or anything akin to good manners get so damn arrogant?
  6. Anonymous
    September 15, 05:46 Reply
    honey, angelina jolie couldnt ever, i mean EVER, spell her name "mmm" even if she wanted to!<br />i think that just says it all!! ;)<br />-Prutha
  7. teevee
    September 15, 05:51 Reply
    Since it is a free country...I shall comment. <br /><br />I was going to compliment you on your douche acronym but someone beat me to it (damn!)<br /><br />Your post is just the latest that I have read in the last few weeks that just makes me want to punch the next bastard. <br /><br />Oh well, I guess I'll just leave it to you to kick them where it hurts. ;)
  8. JupaMan
    September 15, 06:29 Reply
    I have always said it, and will always keep saying for as long as I live: <br /><br />"DO NOT PISS OFF MELISA!!!! EVER!!!". <br /><br />I would hate to have her pissed off at me. She's a sweetheart but boy watch out when she gets pissed... <br /><br />Great answer in putting that guy in his place.. I would like to know what "league" is this that they keep talking about. LOL<br /><br />Melisa babe, you keep doing you and thanks for the entertainment.
  9. Skinny Dip
    September 15, 18:32 Reply
    I love how "not wanting to be persitently harassed" = "arrogant" in this dude's world. <br /><br />I also would bet good money that this guy has a case of "nice guy syndrome" ie. he's always saying stuff like "I'm such a nice guy...but women are just bitches". I'm sure you know the type.
  10. Megan (Best of Fates)
    September 17, 16:59 Reply
    Brilliant!<br /><br />I always wish I could have the perfect response in such situations - I'm envious of your abilities!
  11. Just Marlon
    September 18, 01:14 Reply
    Wow..Mr D.O.U.C.H.E.'s middle name must be Desperate. If I'd been shot down once(let alone blocked)the very last thing I would do is make contact again.<br />This post was hilarious (in a glad it was you and not me kinda way) - loved it, loved it, loved it.
  12. cornflakegirl74
    September 25, 18:51 Reply
    Yikes, what a creep! I'm glad you called him out on his behavior, especially since he had made up another username to contact you. Stalker. Good riddance to that guy--I just hope he doesn't try it for a third time. Clearly he doesn't seem to get the hint very well.
  13. Elizabeth
    May 29, 19:48 Reply
    I have to share with you some of my clangers re: online chatting. I have had not one, but 4, major arguments lately ... Almost made me close my account / profile. But reading this post of yours gave me hope (not meaning to rub salt in the wound or anything) that I am not the only one in this leaky boat! PS SO glad I found your blog <span class="cluv">Elizabeth recently posted..<a class="f295122430 16266" rel="nofollow" href="http://thereveriesofelizabeth.blogspot.com/2013/05/make-love-not-war.html">Make love, not war</a></span>

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