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I Love To Hate You, Plenty of Fish

Here are some of my latest batch of Plentyoffish.com’s emails. If this is the best of the best then it looks like I’m going to be single for a lonnnng time! If it weren’t so damn tempting to sit in my PJ’s and critique men I would have given up long ago. But I’m a hopeless romantic (translation: Lazy and broke) so I just keep on keepin on.

Hi there, how are you doing? just saw your page and wanted to say “HI”

I am here in LA overnight on a layover. What are you up to today?MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Benny

**Benny lives in Missouri. Knowing he’s from out of state and he’s only going to be here for a few hours I basically took this as him wanting a quick romp in the hay. I know I may be presuming too much here but he is after all, a guy. I highly doubt he wants to spend his few hours in LA meeting a stranger and discussing the pros and cons of stem cell research. No, I will not be hooking up with Mr. Layover. Frankly, he was giving himself too much credit thinking I would even consider it. Not with that face only a mother could love.
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Wow, after reading everything you wrote, it’s no surprise to me at all that you are here on this site loking for men dumb enough to want to put up with you!

**39 years old, never married, no kids, works in IT, has only one picture posted, “A few extra pounds” and has this to say about himself: “I go to the local Bally’s fitness place a few times a week to get in shape and lose some weight. I moved out here to North Hollywood about 10 months ago. I do some movie / tv work whenever possible. If you work with or have any interest in movies / tv, that’ll be something we have in common.” Great, an overweight wannabe actor with no sense of humor. Just in case he wasn’t already not interested I would have passed on Mr. Double Chin.
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I don’t know if i’ve ever read a personal ad s painfully funny or brutally honest….WOW!!! i’m torn between applauding and turnng and running as far and as fast as i can. Seriously though, props o you for owning your sh*tand having ovaries big enough to put it out there tht kind of blunt, bare bones sincerity can only come from a true saggitarian.I”d like to invite you to view my profile and see if you might be interested in starting a friendl dialog and see where it goes from there.hope to hear from you soon.

**There is nothing more endearing to me than being told I have big ovaries. Actually, I thought the email was amusing. Unfortunately, I’m not remotely attracted to him and he doesn’t want children. Plus, his profile says that he’s 39 but he has this written at the bottom of his page: “UPDATE: I AM 47 YEARS OLD…THE SYSTEM WONT LET ME CHANGE MY AGE.” Sure bub, I’m supposed to believe that you accidentally entered your age eight years younger than you really are AND that the system won’t allow you to change it. I was born at night but not last night, idiot.
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Hey you… My name is Daniel, I am Puerto Rican and Jamaican, 6′ and 180… I like your profile. I thought that was pretty comical. I am surprised you haven’t been wifed up by now.

**28 years old, working towards his Masters, has a decent profile with no typos and good grammar…so why does he insist on posting a picture that makes him look like a wannabe gangster? So confused. Profile says educated and literate. Picture says “wut up booooooooiiii” I just can’t get interested in a guy when I can’t tell if he is wants to recite poetry to me or take me on a drive by shooting.
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hey there this is Nick, wow you are extremely hot ;0. i see you live in North Hollywood, same here iam off of Vineland and Oxnard.

and if you are wondering why iam writing you is that I ONLY DATE OLDER WOMEN. so write me back and let me know what you thinkNick xoxo

**I will not be going out with Nick either. I refuse to go out with a man that has his hometown initials (in his case “LA”), R.I.P. or anything in Old English tattooed anywhere on his body. Nick has all three.

Here’s his short but titillating profile:

” WELL Iam 6’3, blonde hair, tan, green eyes, got alot of tattoos… I play on a adult hockey leauge in Torrance. iam 1 of the sales rep managers @ Vivid Entertainment .. i dirtbike atleast once a week… i surf everyday at El Porto and love to just go and relax and watch the sunset at the beach”

**No thank you.
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Then there was the email from “Loverlover69”. Of course, Mr. 69 says his first date would be this:

“dinner over a glass of wine, then off to the movies,after which we go for a walk on the beach in the moonlight.”

**Something about his Username and walk on the beach crap doesn’t add up. I’m calling bullshit.
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Gorgeous eyes, beautiful hair fantastic smile. You must be a GODDESS!!!

**He would be correct
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HI, I normally don’t take the time to actually write a email onPOF. But after reading your profile, and then seeing whom wroteit, I so wanted to say hi and see how your night was going? Yourvery attractive. Hope to hear from you soon sweetie. :)
James

**He doesn’t “normally take the time to actually write an email”? Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t that the whole purpose of finding a date online? You email somebody or they email you and things go from there? Frankly, this guy just isn’t good looking enough and his profile isn’t anything special either (I think he could have done better than 2 sentences about chemistry) for women to be banging down his door with written invitations. Am I supposed to be flattered that Mr. I Don’t Make A First Move decided to break his rule by emailing me? Well, I’m not.
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I also got ANOTHER email from this guy

“Hi im DeanI live in Granada Hills and work in Glendale for a majorentertainment company as a professional.I am also a veteran.I am open to new things.I hope to hear from you.”

I must have received at least half a dozen emails from this guy since February when I first signed up with PoF and they always sound as though it’s his first time contacting me. Looks like I’m going to have to actually respond to him. I’ll just make sure to block him after I’ve sent it. If I’ve learned anything from the past, it’s that any response (even negative ones) can be misconstrued as open invitations to converse. I’m. Just. Not. Interested. And I don’t see that changing…EVER.
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I chose not to mention all the hideous spelling and bad grammar but rest assured I noticed all of it. I’m not sure what it is about emailing somebody through an online dating site that turns people into insta-tards but one would think if that’s the first impression you are going to be making at least TRY and spell half way decently. Especially if you are claiming to be a writer, a business owner, an EXECUTIVE, etc….and spare me your shortcut emails and ghetto lingo.

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8 Comments

  1. alexisfoundrobert
    January 13, 20:52 Reply
    Excellent Blog ... Most of time internet dating is a crap shoot at most.<br /><br />You might be interested in the following blog that I found where two people met on Plentyoffish.com and have posted their email's .. lots of flirting, story about jogging with Brad Pitt, first phone calls and much more ... http://alexisfoundrobert.wordpress.com
  2. brewers_rule
    January 13, 20:55 Reply
    Damn. THIS is the pool my ex is throwing me into w/my divorce? NICE, especially since I'm not a clubber kinda guy at ALL. Oh well, single life is technically cheaper, I guess.
  3. toomany2choose
    January 13, 21:08 Reply
    Great. Smells like rotten fish to me. Love the fact that so many idiots use texting shortcuts in their english. Rly mks u want to write bck..
  4. drumdance
    January 14, 05:19 Reply
    Maybe you should try OkCupid. Then you might meet amazingly hot, professional, sophisticated, smart, funny, sexy and above all humble guys like me. :)
  5. Simone Grant
    January 14, 19:46 Reply
    Oh darling, please stop. POF is just dreadful. I couldn't take it past 2 weeks. Funny yes. But you are so much better than this.
  6. James
    September 22, 21:51 Reply
    Profile says educated and literate. Picture says “wut up booooooooiiii” I just can’t get interested in a guy when I can’t tell if he is wants to recite poetry to me or take me on a drive by shooting. <<<u need to write that down and recycle it as a joke cause its GOLD! It would kill. I'm taking notes from your female pimp hand, u are cold Jack.

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