Learning How to Hack Online Dating
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Learning How to Hack Online Dating

I recently watched a TED Talk featuring Amy Webb. In her presentation it was detailed how she hacked online dating and met the man who would later become her husband.

Like many women who have traversed the murky waters of online dating, many of her sentiments mirrored my own. And naturally, her lack of luck in love was her fault because she must have been, say it with me, “too damn picky.”

Amy, being a numbers and data gal well-versed in java script and algorithms, decided to try and find the probability of bumping into Mr. Right in Philadelphia, her home at the time. Although entertaining, her findings were a tad discouraging. So, for shits and giggles, I thought it might be interesting to run the numbers for LA. If, for no other reason, than to prove to my family during the holidays that I’m not just completely and utterly dating inept.

Please keep in mind, math has never been my strong suit and was the only class I ever had to retake in summer school. Fact. Here we go…

Population of Los Angeles: 2.8 million
# of men: 1.9 million
36-42: 196,981
Unmar-

I’m out of patience. I hate math. The only math I’m good at is subtraction since I’m so used to watching my money disappear. Plus, instead of proving my point that there are no men in LA, I may have inadvertently shown that I am, in fact, dating inept.

Ok, so maybe that didn’t work out so well. Apparently, it’s not as easy as just googling “how many 36-42 year old single straight men reside in Los Angeles.” Trust me, I just tried it and I got a bunch of dumb shit that really didn’t make me feel any better about my current predicament.

Let me skip to the important part of her talk. Amy essentially came up with her own 72 point checklist to rate potential dates, thereby narrowing down her pool to legitimate and promising leads. She left out the superficial questions about being dog or cat people and what type of movies were preferred and focused instead on religious beliefs and parenting styles.

In the same vein of thinking, I thought I’d make a small checklist of my own. As enticing as emails from IWantToTasteYou and DroopyEyzzzz69 are, I may need to heed Amy’s advice and change my approach.

Following are a few items from my checklist:

1. How do you feel about whiskey?
2. Are you allergic to cats?
3. Have you ever seen Human Centipede?
4. What are your thoughts on Archer?
5. Boxers, briefs, or boxer briefs?
6. Do you know the difference between there, their, and they’re?
7. Can you change oil?
8. Do you find sleeping until noon acceptable?
9. Do you rub feet?
10. Does my ass look fat in these pants?

Off the top of my head, those are the most important questions I could think of but given some time there will be more. Many, many more. And, in case you were wondering, the correct answers to the following questions are:

1. It’s the liquor of the Gods.
2. No. I love cats.
3. Yes. I’ve also seen the sequel and eagerly await the third which just happens to be on Netflix. Would you care to watch it with me?
4. The funniest best looking misogynist on FX.
5. Boxer briefs.
6. Yes, I do. I also know the difference between your and you’re and have a thing for the Oxford Comma.
7. Yes. Are you in need of an oil change?
8. Abso-fucking-lutely.
9. I love to rub feet without expecting anything in return.
10. No, baby. Your ass is perfect.

Amy may be on to something.

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2 Comments

  1. Clint
    November 12, 19:49 Reply
    Boxer briefs: the unholy bastard child boxers wanted to abort but briefs insisted on keeping. Tight enough to squeeze feeling out of my thighs but not tight enough to avoid the appearance of block ass elsewhere. Rather wear a man thong.

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