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Mr. Perfect

This is going to be a long post. Only because Mr. Perfect is a long winded asshole that can’t seem to stop talking about himself. Initially, I was only going to quote the interesting lines in his profile but after having read through it a few times I decided to post it as is. I implore you to take the time to read through it in its entirety.

His email to me:

Hey,
I’m normally in N.Holly; an educated, athletic white male dark hair/eyes broad shouldered few tasteful tats residing in the Tarzana/Woodland Hills area. I have a stable career, work in law enforcement, maintain a business and I’ve returned to school to receive my 2nd Degree. I have a wide variety of interests listed here on my profile, and would love to chat if you feel we’d click as I do.

*Yawn*

His Profile:

UPDATED: To those of you saying that’s a cute dog posing with you; thank you for the compliment he was actually my partner who had passed away June 27th, 2008! I thank you for the best-wishes to those of you who have told me already. NOTE: The other photos I’ve posted are the only one’s I have of myself mostly with friends or former clients! I’ve been called a “Good Samaritan” the one whose stopped at accident scenes; to direct traffic, call 911 or assist anyway I can. I’ve been called a Protector, some have even used the term; “knight in shinning armor” however, I just believe I’m “Me” A Chivalrous (having been raised by 4 ladies and grandpa), Poetic, Athletic, Educated, Sarcastic, Compassionate, Articulate, Faithful white male who has an Extremely Open-mind, has previously worked in the Hospitality Industry, Taught, Trained, Educated, Mentored, Apprehended and Protected. I went into Law Enforcement “to protect those that couldn’t fight for themselves and to stand up/protect the vulnerable” I’m tall, standing just under six feet weighing approx. two hundred thirteen fit lbs with broad shoulders, dark hair and hazel-brown eyes. I have a muscular/fit build, big arms/calves “not a meat-head though” and several tasteful pieces of ink/holes where piercings use to lay! I’ve led a great career; (to which I utilize my law enforcement background to), Maintain a business in the Entertainment Industry, Promote a Women’s Wrestling Division, Volunteer at a Private Animal Rescue, act as a Respite Giver for an Autistic Boy and I’ve returned to school to complete my 2nd Degree {where I’ll be hopefully working in the medical field as a Dr. (DVM) by 2013}. ATTIRE: I’m pretty much a T-shirts/collard polo & shorts type of a guy, (wearing my sunglasses as much as I can/those damn sun’s rays lol!), yet I can dress the part; and told pretty dapper in a suit & tie when the occasion calls for it!

ABOUT YOURSELF: local, fun, attractive, faithful, open minded and believes in the idea of *COMPROMISING* A lady who enjoys spending time w/me as much as I enjoy spending with them. Someone who wants to be w/me for me, not for whom I may know or what I may do for a living. I consider Tattoos and Piercings sexy (yet it’s not a requirment, just a like). A girl in shorts/jeans and a t-shirts, someone who can dress “girly” in a dress/skirt/gown for an appropriate function works as well. Perhaps, you’re a lady who is open to grabbing her bikini and being spontaneous enough to head off to the beach, daisy dukes and “Brains” are sexy as well. Are you my “Megan Fox?” the answer should be NO, you are you an individual who has her own mind makes her own choices but, believes in compromise and may be open to DRESSING in a POLICE OFFICER UNIFORM as a Halloween Costume this year :) INTERESTS: I have a wide variety of interests and an eclectic taste in music. I enjoy walking along the Venice Boardwalk, Annual 80’s Rock concerts, the County Fair, Knott’s Scary Farm’s Annual Halloween Haunt, Hiking, Shooting, Karaoke, Museums (big into the Baroque & Goth Eras thanks to Art History), Indy Wrestling, the Theater and I’m open to Shooting pool. A couple times a month I can be found traveling up north or down south for the day for work purposes; where there’s always an extra seat for a navigator (wink wink).

So, I ask you this; if you’d like to meet a Chivalrous, attractive, respectful, open minded happy guy feel free to take a glance @ my profile and see what similar interests we share and let’s get to know one another. Many have asked for more then 1 photo, so I’ve placed several photos for you to scroll through. Just remember, I’m not too photogenic. Give me the opportunity to prove that to you.
—–///\\—–
—-///-\\\—-Put This
—|||—|||—On Your
—|||—|||—account If
—|||—|||—You Know
—-\\\-///—-Someone
—–\\///—–Who Died
——///\—–Of
—-///\\\—-Cancer

Cheese and rice, where do I begin? Is there anything this Chuck Norris wannabe doesn’t do?

1. His definition of “Muscular/Fit” and “Broad shouldered” differ immensely from mine. By the looks of his beer belly pictures, nobody is going to accuse this guy of being a “meat head”. Not that I mind if he’s packing a few extra lbs but don’t claim to be in shape when you clearly are not. I myself am no swimsuit model but I also don’t claim to be in my profile while showing you a picture of a Chippendale’s stripper grabbing my size 16 ass.

2. He has such pictures posted as “Walking out of Olive Garden” and “Just me”. Shall I send him the pictures of me playing on my computer? Watching TV? Sleeping?

3. He claims to be an educated man yet does not quite have the best grasp of spelling, punctuation and grammar. Neither do I, but again, I don’t claim to as he does right off the bat.

4. Did he just write “I’ve been called a Protector, some have even used the term; “knight in shinning armor” however, I just believe I’m Me”?  Give me a fucking break. I suppose this egomaniac also has doorways built in his house specifically to accommodate the size of his ginormous head.

5. He went into Law Enforcement “to protect those that couldn’t fight for themselves and to stand up/protect the vulnerable”???  Bite me. He went into Law Enforcement because he needed a hook to get laid.

6. He’s looking for “Someone who wants to be w/me for me, not for whom I may know or what I may do for a living.” Oh really? Who the fuck do you know? Ricki Rocket? What the fuck do you do? Promote women’s wrestling? Don’t do me any favors, lamesauce.

7. “Are you my “Megan Fox?” the answer should be NO, you are you an individual who has her own mind makes her own choices but, believes in compromise and may be open to DRESSING in a POLICE OFFICER UNIFORM as a Halloween Costume this year :)” What the fuck is wrong with this guy???

8. “Just remember, I’m not too photogenic.” <——-Truth!

9. While myself and a great majority of those on the planet Earth have probably lost somebody they love to cancer I’m not a fan of seeing these typed ribbons on anyone’s profile. I get it, somebody you knew is dead. Same here, bucko but I just choose not to broadcast it on a site looking for love. Save that shit for your diary.

In all honesty, I’m not so sure why this guy pissed me off so much. Oh wait, it’s because he had Barbara Streisand’s nose, John Goodman’s physique and Ray J’s ego.

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20 Comments

  1. midwesterngirldating
    June 16, 11:56 Reply
    oooh, SWEET JESUS! Are you kidding me? This is just ridiculous. I think you should post pictures with this blog, just for research purposes and so we can get the full affect.<br /><br />Love lamesauce! That is hysterical.<br /><br />Ps. How is hot bicep guy?
  2. brewers_rule
    June 16, 12:17 Reply
    The more I read of these, the more I think I'm gonna make a completely nonsensical dating profile when the time comes and just say F it. If I'm gonna be made fun of for trying to be genuine on somebody's blog, I might as well be laughed at for being a nonserious noob while I'm at it. <br /><br />Languages spoken: "Yip yip yip yip, uh huh...."<br />Hometown: Magic Kingdom<br />Looking for: Waldo, still haven't found him<br />Music: Anything by Kenny Loggins<br /><br />It's either that, or put the stamp on my monastery application.
  3. Anonymous
    June 16, 13:08 Reply
    I feel like I'm reading the same situations I get from my dating profile. lol. You crack me up.
  4. MissMelisaMae
    June 16, 14:13 Reply
    midwesterngirldating - I would have posted pictures but they were such bad quality I almost couldn't notice the lazy eye...at first. As for HGB, haven't seen him since last week but the day will come. Trust me ;-)<br /><br />Brewers_rule - Again, I never know if I should say thank you or screw you for your comment. But I'm an optimist and think you secretly like me and want to somehow end up in my blog one day.<br /><br />Anon - Thanks but you are right, I'm not anywhere near the only person that reads this shit on a constant basis.<br /><br />Skye - AMEN
  5. mikethemasterdater
    June 16, 14:52 Reply
    Come on... pull a moxie and leave a link to that profile. <br />You a Lamesause.
  6. Asa
    June 16, 16:09 Reply
    Mr. "Perfect:" Not as much a "meathead" as he is an AIRHEAD!!! 3M strikes again...stay your sharp self! XO
  7. brewers_rule
    June 16, 18:36 Reply
    You know I like to keep you guessing, Melisa. I wouldn't mind being the subject of your blog but I have a feeling you'd chew up and spit out ol' virginal me :P <br /><br />I just laugh at this online profile stuff b/c I'm 99% sure if I ever try putting one together I'll end up being blog fodder, and rightfully so. Yet, on the other hand, if I refuse to, I'll end up w/a bad bowl cut as Brother Clint someday.
  8. Candz
    June 16, 19:58 Reply
    I confess, I couldn't even read the entire lumbering oaf of a profile. To Mr Perfect I say, "Sir, I pronounce thee a dullard and move on to the always delightful Miss Melisa Mae's commentary." Girl you always entertain! xoxo♥CP
  9. WAT
    June 17, 01:58 Reply
    A wannabe narcissist.
  10. Charlotte
    June 17, 12:02 Reply
    Yikes. This really does not make me very excited about my return to online dating. Who do these guys think they're fooling? I can't believe that Megan Fox thing, followed by wanting a woman to dress as a cop for Halloween. The eff?!?!
  11. Julie
    June 17, 13:00 Reply
    Ugh, you're having the same issues I am. I'm posting about these idiots too since I'm back in the dating pool.
  12. LuckyGirl
    June 18, 18:09 Reply
    Here's what I read:<br /><br />"Me Me Me Me Me Me Me. You will be willing to dress up as Me for Halloween this year."<br /><br />Make that doorway big enough for two of him, then.<br /><br />But seriously, if anyone dates this guy, please let it be for "whom he may know", so we can find out who the fuck that is apart from his mother (assumedly the only other person in existence who could possibly have an equally inflated opinion of him).
  13. Ken
    June 29, 04:13 Reply
    I believe in truth in advertising. That's why my opening line goes something like this: "I'm something of a nerd, I don't tan and I'm slowly losing my hair. But I'm 6'3", eat pussy like a champ and will punch anyone who speaks ill of you. Can I buy you some beers?"
  14. Anonymous
    January 25, 18:45 Reply
    What the heck?! You criticize Mike Masters for being a psycho and threaten to kick him in his website but you behave like him in this site of yours. How hypocritical of you!<br /><br />The reason that I'm criticizing you is because you badmouth this Mr. Perfect guy even though you sound like you want to beat up Mike.<br /><br />If you don't want people typing meanly to you, then you better not be a meanie yourself.
    • missmelisamae
      January 25, 22:35 Reply
      “Then you better not be a meanie yourself”??? Oh, that’s rich.
  15. Miss Melisa Mae is my best friend. Think a little before you post a comment, you honestly sound like you are 10. <br /><br />(and stop fucking stalking me, Monicah)

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