Nice to meet you, Butt…

Every so often I read a profile that absolutely deserves to be memorialized by Yours Truly. Butt Pirate had just such a profile.


Are you a woman who just orgasms super hard when your loved in the booty? Are you afraid to tell anyone or just simply can’t find a partner who understands or is private about it?
Maybe your married or just seeking a good ,(private) time. Whatever it is I would love to feel you by dipping my manhood as deep as possible into your chocolate factory. As deep as I can and as hard as I can until we feel your woman hood has been touched.

(I am not looking to be penetrated whatsoever).

I very much enjoy backdoor lovemaking and seek a woman who enjoys receiving this aquired taste…

My first love introduced me to this pleasure and I have engaged in it and have treasured it ever since. This doesn’t make me gay, insane or indecent. I’m not into hurting women or anything. Not every woman enjoys this kind of lovemaking and I understand that, but I seek a woman who does.

I am also beginning to find interest is deeper taboos (are you too?) Maybe we can explore them together.

Communication is really important to me. I will always be truthful and honest.

I am not interested in game playing whatsoever.

You must be Sane, clean and STD FREE, Just like me.

Ask me anything. I look forward to meeting you.

I just adore how he talks about his love of nature and all things having to do with charity and helping mankind. How he wants a special woman to complete him and make him a better man. How he’s looking for the woman of his dreams and the future mother of his children. How he wants to hold you in his strong arms and make love…Oh wait, that wasn’t him. All this idiot can talk about is dipping his manhood into your chocolate factory.

I want this man nowhere near my womanhood. For once, I’ve found myself somewhat at a loss for words. How am I supposed to react when a man refers to the asshole as a “chocolate factory”?

I probably never would have stumbled upon this gem had he not sent me an overly tantalizing email saying “yummy”. But when I saw the picture of the olive skinned, brown eyed cutie I just had to check things out further.




I love this man. Why? Because I haven’t laughed this fucking hard since I heard that Screech had a sex tape.

Here’s my take on pooper play. STAY AWAY FROM MY ASS. It’s as simple as that. I don’t want you looking at it, blowing on it, licking it, sticking your finger in and I especially don’t want you sticking your dick in it. Yes, I have done it “the right way”. Yes, I have “eased into it”. And yes, “I have used plenty of lube”. Please don’t insult my sexual knowledge as to insinuate that I haven’t tried something as common as anal sex. If there is a an erogenous zone to be found, I have tried poking it, prodding it, licking it, massaging it and vibrating it. Twice. I simply don’t garner any satisfaction from having that part of my body penetrated.

So, what did I do after reading the Edgar Allan Poe of the bum-bum? I wrote back to him, of course.

While I don’t particularly share your opinion of backdoor lovemaking as a romantic gesture, I must ask you a question. Not to mock nor in jest but out of genuine curiosity. Do you get a lot of replies or responses to your profile?

Within hours, I received this response:

Maybe average 3 a day. Usually 1 fat fat chick. Plenty cute girls that want it night and day. Some women do love anal you just have to find them. The rest can find a man who doesn’t I guess.

The next day Willy Wonka closed his account.

Was it something I said? So happy he clarified that “1 fat fat chick”. He should be considered a saint to all fat chicks everywhere.

Now, there are plenty that do enjoy backdoor play and that’s awesome. Go to it. I don’t hold anything personal against the butthole. I don’t hold anything against those that like to play with the butthole. To each his own. Some people enjoy lobster. Some don’t. It’s all strictly a matter of preference. And yes, I just compared buttplay to lobster.

In closing, I must mention how much I love that he writes “I am also beginning to find interest is deeper taboos”. Was that supposed to be a pun?

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  1. brewers_rule
    September 09, 10:04 Reply
    Yeah, it's safer to avoid the whole "chocolate factory" moniker and just go w/my term for it of "The Gateway to the Final Frontier." ;)
  2. Lifebeginsat30ty
    September 09, 16:58 Reply
    Hahahahahahaha :D I'm wondering if that was real or someone trying to mess with the online profiles! If it was real, kudos to him for truthfulness and being up-front. But hey, fat fat chicks can't have anal fantasies too? She could have been your anal dream , Mr Butt Pirate. Haha.
  3. Skinny Dip
    September 09, 18:59 Reply
    OMG, I laughed out loud at "Chocolate Factory". Now I'm getting weird images of Willy Wonka meets hard core anal sex. His profile has to be a joke...I mean, it HAS to be. Anyways, thank you for the laughs. Or, should I say, thanks Butt Pirate ;)
  4. JupaMan
    September 09, 19:20 Reply
    ROTLFMAO.... damn girl, your posts get funnier and funnier with every new one that you post. if i didn't personally know you, I would think this is all made up. I just can't believe the amount......god I don't even know what those call those.... those....guys I guess. <br /><br />I'm glad I already hate chocolate, because it won't be bad for me to associate it with the "Chocolate factory". I had to stop reading this post just to laugh at that for a minute. <br /><br />Luckily for me, I love both Lobsters AND performing anal sex with the girls that I date.. so yeah, you just DID compare butt fucking with lobsters. that was priceless....<br /><br />Thanks for a great read, I needed that after the kind of week I'm having. :)
  5. One Lusty Sagittarian
    September 15, 04:42 Reply
    Deeper taboos....um....ew. I can imagine.<br /><br />This joker and his kind should be fined, heavily. How dare he mention chocolate in that way! We must keep our precious chocolate fixation away from anything having to do with shit.
  6. [...] that will guarantee a response from me. One, if you are hot (The Fireman). Two, if you amuse me (Willy Wonka). And three, if you piss me off. Yesterday, I was pissed [...]

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