Online Dating Profile Pet Peeves

  • People that claim to have MBA’s yet can’t figure out basic grammar or how to spell. Case in point, I was emailed by a guy that said he had graduated from Harvard and did undergrad at the University of Texas yet didn’t believe in periods and randomly ended and started paragraphs on a whim. Sure you graduated from Harvard, honey.
  • Text speak in an email. Is it really that much more effort to write out “you” as opposed to “u”? Also, correct me if I’m wrong but “kool” or “kewl” is in no way saving you energy over just writing “cool”.
  • Under “What type of relationship” listing “Hang Out”. What the fuck is that? When you have the option of using “Friends”, “Dating” or “Intimate Encounter” in case you aren’t interested in “Long Term” why use “Hang Out”? Does that mean you want to bring over a 6-pack of beer and play X-Box? Either way, I’m not interested in “hanging out”.
  • Put your fucking shirt back on. Seriously. I for one can fully appreciate a well chiseled gentleman but come on, the cheese factor alone makes me want to gag. Especially if I’ve given you my cell number and you bombard me of pictures of you in the bathroom with a towel around your waist. When I want to see your pecks, I’ll let you know.
  • Profiles that rival a Harlequin romance yet when you actually get to emailing or talking with them on the phone the deepest thing that comes out of their mouth is the benefits of using the Jackhammer position in bed. Charming.
  • One picture posted…with 2 people in it. Who the fuck are you? I can only hope that the profile belongs to the attractive one and not the one that is playing wingman. Nine times out of 10, the profile belongs to the short wingman that needs to iron his shirt.
  • What’s with all the personal trainers? I’m not sure if this is a geographical thing as I do live in North Hollywood but if I want somebody to teach me how to lung and do pull ups I’ll contact one. I’m on a dating website to find a date, not someone I have to pay to hurt me.
  • Along the lines of the personal trainers. Why do they all contact ME? At first, I just assumed that since I’m curvy they wanted my business. However, that seems to be far from the case. They all swear to like a woman with a little meat on their bones. WTF?
  • Nuvaring commercials. Not in any way related to online dating yet important enough for me to share with you how much I hate their commercials. If I hear that fucking song “Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday…” I’m going to go postal. And btw, I’m perfectly content using condoms or the pill. The idea of shoving something up my cooch, leaving it in for 3 weeks then pulling it back out is in no way an appetizing thought for me.
  • Never trust the profile of someone that is smoking hot yet only seems to have one or two pictures. Both headshots or model pics. Sometimes, these pictures may actually be blurry as well. Trust me, if you’re hot you are going to have a gazillion and one self portraits posted. Shit, there are people that shouldn’t even own cameras that have at least three or four pictures of themselves up.
  • Please don’t email me in all CAPS. You could have written the theory of relativity and I’m still going to think you are an idiot because you are still YELLING AT ME!
  • When people scan and post their driver’s license pictures. Really? In this day and age that was the best you could come up with? REALLY?
  • People that are “Separated”. In the eyes of God and the law, you are still technically married. You shouldn’t be looking for a date. Perhaps that’s why you are separated in the first place. Ever consider that?

That’s it for now. I’m easily irritated and highly judgmental so I’m sure this list will grow. As soon as I think of anything more I’ll be sure and let you know.

Tell me…what bothers you???

P.S. On a side note, just as I finished writing this I received an email from a guy named “RoBeRT *SwAg Is On PoINt*” and his email was in all CAPS. Seriously folks, I can’t make this stuff up.

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  1. Julie
    December 11, 14:33 Reply
    OMG. You and I are sisters separated at birth (by more than a few years!) I have written this exact post in my head a hundred times. Every time I see a profile with a guy showing off his chest (and at my age, most of those chests aren't all that exciting) I just want to email him and say "What the fuck are you thinking? That picture is a turn off, not a turn on!" <br /><br />And the spelling drives me infuckingsane. <br /><br />Rock on, sister.
  2. Anonymous
    December 11, 14:37 Reply
    FWIW a hugely dirproportionate percentage of successful people are dyslexic, so you might want to cut some slack on the writing requirement:<br /><br />http://www.dyslexia.com/famous.htm
  3. rondamarie
    December 11, 15:04 Reply
    I refused to communicate with anyone that was 'separated' or who had a picture of themselves with their shirt off. Ironically, I did give in to a guy who had a shirtless pic in his profile, I justified it by reasoning that it was a photo of him running in a race rather than standing in front of his mirror at home flexing. He ended up being the longest most meaningful relationship I've gotten from online dating thus far.
  4. brewers_rule
    December 11, 18:33 Reply
    Where to begin? Yet another reason why, just when I wonder what single life would be like again, I smile at not having to deal w/it anymore especially in this tekkie era. <br /><br />The grammar's disturbed me long before technology came into play (that 140 character limit on Twitter KILLS me) as I'm typically a long-winded guy for the most part. Schools are creating idiots by the thousands. Proper language use has gone from a badge of honor to an alien code no one can decipher these days.<br /><br />But the pic thing would probably be my own worst pet peeve. That "I'm awesome, look at me" thing is annoying from anyone (mirror shots make me wanna gauge my eyes out w/a mellon-baller) but then again, I'd likely fall into the other "Why No Pics?" category for a) not being technologically savvy and b) not having the self esteem 2 fire away at myself w/a camera all time for loads of self pics. Perhaps I've underestimated my importance to the cosmos? I just wanna know where the days of 4 hour night-long phone conversations w/fascinating people went? I need to head back to the 30's when human interaction had simplicity, meaning and eloquence to it, I guess. Not that I'm old-fashioned in ALL things, though.
  5. Jackie
    December 12, 16:59 Reply
    We're on the same page with the spelling thing. Thought you might appreciate this: www.iampaddy.com/spell<br /><br />jfb
  6. A True Heart Girl in Jersey
    December 14, 03:11 Reply
    dyslexic people switch letters around, they don't completely fuck up word after word after word....i'm sorry i can't bother to use capital letters. i'm an editor and i'm not at work. i'm fucking lazy. i just turned ..... nevermind.
  7. Anonymous
    December 16, 05:51 Reply
    monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday..... gone postal yet my dear!? - bells
  8. The Cow Goddess
    January 20, 00:46 Reply
    last weekend, i got an email from a 61-year-old with shirtless pics on his profile. he told me that the reason i was fat was because i was unhappy and he could "get me happy and the weight would take care of itself".<br /><br />from that stellar beginning he made it to delete and block in less than 24 hours!
  9. Alastair
    January 25, 01:12 Reply
    A terrific list. How about people who use slogans in online dating profiles? Here is my blog about it:<br /><br />http://www.chasinganoodle.com/2010/01/slogans-in-online-dating-profiles/
  10. [...] Secondly, I apologize that this was the first picture to post.Less than 12 hours after posting my Profile Pet Peeves, I received the above picture via text message. Sometimes one really has to wonder about the timing [...]

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