Realistic Online Dating Profile Responses (Part 1)

Realistic Online Dating Profile Responses (Part 1)

Due to the overwhelming responses from all of my blogger reader (yes, singular. Anonymous, you know who you are), I have decided to post some of the more entertaining responses to my online dating profile. Enjoy!


Him: …I never thought honesty could be so refreshing, well here’s a little about me:I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays afternoon, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

Me: This was by far the most entertaining response that I’ve received thus far. Although, I’ve got to admit, I’m beginning to feel a tad inadequate considering all of your accomplishments. I thought I had reached the height of my success when I became an expert at underwater basket weaving and a pro at frisbee golf. Apparently, there is still a lot that I have yet to experience. How does one go about getting into translating ethnic slurs for Cubans or letting off steam by participating in full contact origami? I’d sure like to know…

Him: …I tell you, those things are diddly-squat compared to getting a reply from a craigslist posting.I think you’re partially responsible for last nights earthquake, your actions unsettled the… I’m gonna go out on a limb here… the rotation of the earth! Nobody replies to craigslist personals, period. Well, if we will live another day, I’d love to further immerse you into the intriguing world of the Cuban street slang or if you’re adventurous enough, full contact origami.

**This was by far one of my favorites. I actually graced him with a response. I’m pretty sure he must be related to the Dos XX guy**
Hi Ms Mut,(lol) LOVED your ad….for real…haha. This 55 yr old daddy wants to say hi to you……who knows what could happen. I’m harmless….over the hill……can’t get it up……lol.

**His email address was rlcr69 and his name was Ralph Lickerson. Let’s just say, he did not get a reply**

**Uh, yeah. This is the type of response that actually kills brain cells while reading it**
I have read your profile, and I think you are a very intellectual person, I do think that you are a person that actually see life as it is and nothing else, not to mention that your writing skill are way upper than just a high school graduate, not to mention that your profile is well elaborated, I think you have a very high sense of humor and specially I think I want to be your friend. The thing that amazes me about you, is your slavic ethnicity. So tell me how old are you??

**My slavic ethnicity was the most amazing thing? Apparently, Slavics can’t write**
Dear Gas…
I’ve got the rest,Well, where to begin… I do appreciate your honesty. I have Cathouse tivo’d so no prob there 😉 Well I know a little about you, and I am obviously interested, so I thought that I would give you a few insights about me. Well I work a little more that I should, infact still here (about to go grab a drink with my bro) I take my drinking seriously… not really a serious drinker, but when I drink I drink good booze. Tall, dark, and handsome (at least that’s what my mum tells me 😉 I call when I say I will, and am a bit of a romantic, but I’ll try not to be cheesy. Don’t have any ex-girlfriend drama, and am not married/nor have I been. Not a virgin, (I think I love sex more than you) but am always down to try new things and learn your likes and dislikes. Never been good at video games so don’t really play them. I too am rather multi-ethnic, mum is British, Father is Indian, but born in Africa. Oh yea, and dimensions… 26, 6’0, 190, dark hair dark brown eyes, work out but not obsessed. Well look forward to hearing from you soon.
I’m about 6’1″, 210#, brown/brown, reasonably presentable, reasonably well-spoken and I’m considered funny, assuming you enjoy very bad puns. I know the difference between “there” and “their” and “they’re” and I’m mostly a virgin. : ) I share your various “bad” habits and hate all videogames. My definite preference is to hang-out when I’m off work.

Write back when you can.

**He was also reasonably ugly. Not to mention sent a picture so bad that he would have to have a flawless personality to get a date. “Mostly” virgin? He’s also a liar**
Well at least you’ve got 25% good genes; which is more than I can say for most of the bastards I know around here. And you’re right, your post does sound damn honest, well written, and worth reading… but I’ll bet if you posted a picture of a supermodel and two sentences about being a cheap date; you would have gotten a million responses by now. Anyways, hi I’m Dan there’s no way I’m going to go into a lengthy email here describing myself and what I want for the future and all that BS. ‘ cause, honestly, i dont know or care enough right now; but I’ve got lotsa stories about drunken mayhem and if you’d like to get loaded sometime and share some of yours or better yet make a new one… let me know

**Perfect, I don’t care to write you back**
I am horney yet I will cuddle you & becum a friend I am a nice guy who is fun! Glad to trade pics / phone number IF U R real Just reply
Waiting with a hard on like a rock! I KNOW HOW TO GIVE A GOOD MASSAGE!!
Garth the Good Guy!

**Because everything about this email just screams “Good Guy”!**
Hey, Your post really caught my attention, esp the part about office manager for a construction company, as I am one for a roofing company located out in Northridge. Company I work for sounds like a coffee company (big hint for you) No dark hair (redhead actually) am 6 ft but no large muscles to brag about here. So I’m curious what construction company you work forand I do happen to fall into all the other categories you wrote about, with the exception of the physicality part. Like you, I take great pride in my high school graduation and being more literate than most of the other postings seen on CL. In fact, more literate than most business owners and people in the construction industry I have come across so far, present company excluded of course. One difference worth nothing however, is that I do love my job and the company I work for. So who are you and what company do you work for?

**Yawn…Btw, nothing turns me on like talking about work. NEXT…**
I guess that means just a blowjob is out of the question?

**You guessed right**
This is probably the greatest craigslist ad I’ve ever seen…I’m a 25 year old asshole, born and raised in LA, working in the music industry…yeah I make money, but you won’t get any of it, unless I got an amazing blowjob from you in the am or anal the night before…then maybe ill buy lunch…I’m not gonna cuddle all night, or even call you to see how your day went, but I got that good dick, and I know how to use it…if you’re down, get back…

**I actually thought this was funny. Although, from experience I’ve found that men who “know how to use” their dicks usually don’t. And really, how hard is it to use one? No pun intended…ok, pun intended**
Full head of hair? I want a woman with all natural DD’s that defy gravity well into her old age. Oh Please.
My God woman you are really screwed up. You need to talk to a shrink!!

**Ya think? That’s why I started a blog**
I am a fit sporty man, 195 lbs 5-11 clean healthy and with a new approach to all this.
Into music meditation yoga spiritual refuge metaphysics adventure naturism weekend getaways
Singing guitars karaoke 48 self-employed construction, grayish eyeglasses
Love for Friendship and Good Times

**Did ANYTHING about my ad indicate that I would be remotely interested in a “musical meditation yoga spiritual refuge metaphysics adventure naturism weekend getaway”? And I HATE karaoke**
Because really if you think a guy is hot, and hethinks you are hot, you’ll fuck him – and enjoyfucking as long as he is cool and can handle you in bed

**I also got responses from Rocket Scientists**
How do you feel about pornography? Serious question..
cut out the boo hoo, sorry your a mess, wait I mean sorry your human. good luck with your “perfect man” hunt. and if you don’t mind wish me luck with my “perfect women” hunt.I don’t have a six pack, more of a mini keg, but I don’t play video games. we can pretend I am a virgin…
you sound interesting in disturbing sort of way…

I literally received hundreds of responses to my ad so it took a while to find ones I considered even remotely interesting. I did not spell check or alter these responses in any way. I figured that would take all the fun out of it. There are many more so keep a look out for Part 2…

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  1. Anonymous
    July 13, 15:03 Reply
    You have totally made my morning. I've done the internet dating thing and you have written the responses that I wish I had the guts to write myself. Awesome stuff. Keep it up.<br /><br />Your only blogger fan (to date and not in a creepy way.... I just keep forgetting to log into blogger to post...<br /><br />I am going to send this to some of my girlfriends.
  2. Sanket
    August 12, 08:22 Reply
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