Realistic Online Dating Profile Responses (Part 2)

Realistic Online Dating Profile Responses (Part 2)

Here are a few more entertaining responses to my online dating profile. I also received a plethora of trouser snake pictures. As if in some way, I might be so impressed as to drop what I was doing in order to ride the bologna pony. Truth be told, I actually consider sending me nothing but a cock pic as just plain unimaginative. At least try putting a hat on it or something…

You actually wonder why you’re single?

**No, not particularly.**
this is by far the worst posting i’ve ever read. Congratulations

**Fuck you very much**
How are you doing? How is your day going? I was wondering if you would mind telling me about yourself. What do you like to do for fun? What do you do for work. I would like to chat with you either on Yahoo or Aim.

**Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t I just list several paragraphs about myself, what I like to do for fun and what I do for work? I have both Yahoo and AIM. I also have MSN Messenger but guess what? I won’t be chatting with you on any of them**
Wow!! I’ts so amazing everything you said, I swear, it sounded JUST like me, wow!! thats pretty scary!! I’ve got everything you want, but I’m not a jock, i’m built like a swimmer, narrow shoulders, trim!! no pot belly or fur on my back!! 6 ft 1 175 lbs brown hr & eyes, very oral, hung 8, i live in van nuys, im sure your going to get a shitload of replies back, so i don’t expect you to even read this, or, let alone reply to me, but if you did, I NEED to know something!! Are you a SCORPIO? cause I am!!!!

**So glad he’s a Scorpio? As if I give a shit. The picture he sent me was one he took of himself, sitting on the toilet fully clothed. Was that the only place he could take a picture? And who has a mirror directly in front of their toilet anyway?**
Him: what garbage
Me: Thanks for taking the time to read my garbage.
Him: ur the best… and I live in Studio city too
Me: I just moved to Studio City a few weeks ago. I’m originally from Pasadena
Him: man.. that’s far. :)
Me: Yes, I actually had to change zipcodes…life is so rough
Him: send me a sexy bathing suit or lingerie shot

What you are looking for will never happen…open your eyes

**Probably not. But I’m an optimist.**
Here’s some honesty back at you…

Get a good vibrator and a couple issues of Playgirl, because that’s as close as you’re going to get to what you’re looking for. Haven’t you ever heard the saying, “beggars can’t be choosers”? I know, I know, you’ll tell me that you’re not a beggar, but your ad says otherwise. I had no problem with your ad — you even seemed like someone I’d want to have sex with — until you listed the stringent requirements for the man that you want. WTF…??? Even Paris Hilton would have trouble finding a man that perfect!

I suppose it would be too much to ask to get a photo of you — I would like one just to see how close you are the mental picture I’ve formed.

**What a presumptive prick. I totally don’t need those issues of Playgirl**
OK Here is some back!

Your right!…you are a mess…a fucking big mess!!! BUT all the great sex comes with a person like that. So I am expecting some really turn me inside out mess with my head screaming orgasm stuff. if not i would ship you back to the Japanese “love Doll Store” for a refund!. You drink too much! (how’s that) I haven’t met you but now that that is out of the way, i don’t have to say it again, unless you like walking home from Bakersfield after i dump your ass out on the side of the road for puking all over my new purple velour seats and rug in my 1957 VW bug with no air conditioning ( what was that about too hot or too cold???)
As far as your Debt, who cares, I am not spending anything on you unless it gets me more sex with you and even then I will only spend $40 buck on you at the most. Being a narcissistic person who is insecure means i will have to tell you ALL THE TIME how good you look, which will in time, make you want to vomit at the mere mention and have a opposite affect whenever I say it so I WON”T SAY IT!
as far as the ex- If i see him ANYWHERE i will immediately punch him out!! IF i hear you say his name or call me his name during our hour long fuck marathon, I will slap your ass till it is as red as an apple and not give you an orgasm, unless you want to finish yourself off, in which case i will need a video cam to film it for a rainy day.
as far as your lazy ass nature, you need a dose of House cleaning… I find a small taser really helps motivate people when they “feel too lazy to do anything” it’s amazing! really, I see full grown women out mowing the lawn and doing the house work, even while I am screaming for another cold shlitz beer from the sofa!
As far as the “look your seeking, honey, I am 5-2 250 with a fully receeding hairline and thick glasses. I have two different colored eyes and was born with a large hump on my back, the only “six pack” your going to see is when you carry in my BEER!!! I like to recite obscure poetry as I am using the bathroom and never sing on key…ever! I am also going to tell you that I have plenty of money……….for me!
What your going to live on I have no idea, you do go Dutch when you eat out right? I am a sex nut but have not met up with a women who can have sex with me five or six times a day…and who give fantastic head…( I know EVERY women says they do, but it is not a carrot or crunchy celery!)

Last, although I am a “born again virgin” I think my 15 years as a professional rock musician will keep me in good standing


**Why do I get the feeling he was picked on in high school?**
Your all fucked up

but i like that. i also share drinking as my #1 hobby. also smoke green bud like it makes me smarter. i’ve got more issues than time magazine and can be found closing down many pasadena dives on a daily basis. if your curious about sinking to new levels send me a note.

**I didn’t write him back although I should have. I’m sure that upon entering any bar in Pasadena his name is shouted out by the patrons and staff alike**
Hey you sound like a catch. Will you marry me? That was a great joke post. Thanks. Although what’s really sad is, this type of post isn’t far off from the typical ridiculous expectations that some of these fat bitches have on here. Amazing. I saw one recently that said she was “very attractive,” 28, intelligent, witty, etc. I met up with her – had to be pushing 40, 35 lbs overweight, broke, had a moustache, looking for some help from a generous man… are you kidding me??

**I’m 35 lbs overweight and who said anything about it being a joke post?**
“I’m a selfish prick”

That was my original headline but rejected it and made me revise my page (a total of 7 times). You apparently also can’t say blow job in your profile. I loved your page. 90% of these make me roll my eyes. “I love my family, and unicorns, and I believe true love..blah, blah blah” Ugh, gag me with a spoon. Yours was brutally honest. Awesome.You’ve inspired me to be honest. I’m kind of an asshole. I sleep with more women than is reasonable. I love people-watching but it really should be called people-judging because that’s what it is. I think there is a reason monogamy sounds a lot like monotony. I’d like to meet or talk to you but you have to promise me you won’t stalk me. I’ve dated my share of women with issues and the only ones I can’t handle are the stalkers. I have gotten a restraining order on an ex who broke into my place and cut up a bunch of my clothes. So if you’ll promise you aren’t that kind of crazy, hit me up and we’ll take it from there. Alex
ok, now give me the bad news! lol
Sex or video games…… That’s a hard one.

Ok, that’s it. I could go on…and on…and on…and, well, you get the picture. I got some emails that rivaled Penthouse Forum in content but after you’ve read paragraph after paragraph about finger fucking and shaft licking, I tend to get a little bored.

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  1. Anon
    July 14, 17:27 Reply
    Reading this is like reading something a female version of me would write...which is both disturbing and disheartening...keep up the good work.
  2. m. m. sacco
    July 14, 17:29 Reply
    Ok, I cut and pasted the links from your two posts and sent them to my freinds who have all done internet dating. <br /><br />Keep up the great writing.
  3. MissMelisaMae
    July 15, 20:59 Reply
    m.m. sacco, I truly appreciate your feedback. I hope your girlfriends enjoy my rants and raves also. I'm sure they can relate!
  4. MissMelisaMae
    July 15, 21:17 Reply
    And Anon, the most disturbing part is that I'm not even exaggerating! Real life is often times better than fiction...

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