It Snot You, It’s Me

I’ve been relatively lucky when it comes to online dating.  I’ve never been stalked, molested or deceived.  I’ve never met a 63 year old grandfather trying to pass himself off as a 28 year old personal trainer or a teenager trying to get a laugh by making a date with a 30 year old woman.  For the most part, the men I’ve met have been who they said they were and have had at least a moderate resemblance to the pictures they had posted online.  For the most part.

Rick was 37, lived at home with his parents and didn’t exactly work.  He could have been a politician the way he skated around the issue of employment.  He had never been married and had no kids.  To put it more accurately, it sounded as though he had no friends either.  Funny how he seemed to neglect mentioning these things in his Match.com profile.

Rick had two pictures posted to his online dating profile.  Both appeared to have been scanned and uploaded to his computer using a scanner circa 1989.  They were so unclear and fuzzy he probably should have just done a self portrait using an Etch A Sketch.

He was more pathetic than sexy yet persistent and sweet in only the way a lonely perpetual, late 30’s bachelor looking for a wife could be.  It was apparent to me he was looking to fulfill his folk’s dreams of becoming grandparents before he had settled himself into their basement permanently.

Despite the overwhelming knowledge that this guy clearly wasn’t for me, I decided to meet him anyway.  Knowing that he was probably broke and paying with coupons I suggested we meet at the Rose Bowl for a walk.  It was public, it was free and at least I’d get a little cardio in should he turn out to be the poor schmuck I already knew deep down he was.

When I spotted the pregnant 40 year old, I knew it had to be my date.  I’m lucky that way.  He may not have known how to post a decent picture but he certainly knew how to use Photoshop.  Reaching for a hug, I almost asked for a cigarette to go with the cocktail I had just been given second hand.  I guess mommy and daddy didn’t mind him getting wasted in their basement on those lonely Saturday nights.

Not only was my faux pregnant date hung-over but he was also sporting the latest fashion in booger couture.  It just hung there, mocking me in my disgust.  Blowing to and fro in the slight breeze that accompanied us as we exchanged trivialities.  Like a car accident, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the dried nasal mucus hanging on so desperately from my blind date’s nose.  Considering the size and windblown activity, I found it remarkable that it didn’t seem to be impeding his ability to breathe.

I had only been in contact with Rick for four minutes and was already wondering if I was capable of a 3 minute mile.  Thank God we would be walking side by side and not face to face.  I made sure there was enough distance between us to make any 1950’s school dance chaperone proud or I’d never be able to concentrate on the action of placing one foot in front of the other.

Moral of this story?  Well, there really isn’t any except that if you are going to show up to a blind date reeking of Jack Daniels and cloves, you should probably consider wiping your fucking nose.

This entry was posted in dorks, Match.com, online dating and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to It Snot You, It’s Me

  1. Now you tell me… (wipes nose)

    JFB
    Jackie Summers recently posted..Black Boy in a White Land: Urban Safari and the Elephant in the Room*

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  2. Nikki BNo Gravatar says:

    Tissue?

    Soooooo don’t drink before a date? Wipe my nose? Move out of my parent’s basement and find myself a life? That might help? Really?

    Sage advice, sister. Sage advice.
    Nikki B recently posted..Have one guy… Gay-ed for life.

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  3. ElleNo Gravatar says:

    Bahaha….

    You seem pretty compassionate for giving him a chance. Maybe he could be a project. Maybe you could clean him up and teach him how to dazzle. Maybe just as you set his new sophisticated and confident self into the real world you’d realize you were in love with him. Maybe just as you decide to tell him you love him he tells you about this really great girl he met. Maybe they get married and you two slowly drift apart. Maybe, years later, you find yourself on back down at the Rose Bowl and as you’re gazing out wondering where the years have gone by two hands come from behind and cover your eyes. Maybe when you turn around it’s Rick. Maybe there is a booger hanging from his nose. Maybe you laugh and cry while telling him, “You have a booger hanging from your nose,” Maybe he pulls a hankie from his pocket to wipe it away and while doing so accidentally pulls a ring box from his pocket to, Maybe you ask, “What’s that?” Maybe he opens it and says, “It’s a ring, and it’s for you.” Maybe you ask a question along the lines of, “Uhh… what about your wife?” Maybe he replies, “She’s dead” or “We got a divorce” or “She wants you to be her sister wife.” Maybe you cry dramatically and accept and kiss Rick (despite the fact that he never actually wiped the dangler from his nose.) And then maybe “they” make a movie about it.

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    • Maybe ;)

      Well done, Elle. The entire time I spent reading through your wonderfully worded “what if” screenplay, that pesky booger was in the back of my head. When you got to “kiss” and “Rick” in the same sentence, I shuddered. But hey, what’s one booger between lovers, right? If only true romance were that easy.

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  4. Oh jesus. This is why I love you. And confirms my solid recommendation of you to a friend…as one of the few dating blogs I read that are truly worth their funny salt…BOOGERmazing!
    Something She Dated recently posted..The Bird Seed Theory or why he keeps contacting you

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  5. DamianNo Gravatar says:

    Rotflmao! Omg melisa, you are fucking hysterical. I love how you can turn something around and make it entertaining for the rest of us. Despite of what you said about there not being a lesson, there IS a lesson for all the single guys that read your blog. Wipe your once and clean yourself up before netting such a hottie as you. Those kind of people put my gender to shame. Tsk. Tsk. Lol
    Damian recently posted..Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-08-14

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  6. Lost PlumNo Gravatar says:

    oh my!

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