Things I’ve Learned From Online Dating

Things I’ve Learned From Online Dating

I’ve tried online dating off and on for several years and I’ve learned a few things:

1. I can, in fact, type quite well while intoxicated.
2. Just because you think jerking off on your webcam to be a romantic gesture, it usually isn’t.
3. There is no quicker way to kill a man’s premature dirty talk than mentioning your period. Trust me when I tell you I detest your segway from my work day to your favorite sexual position as much as you hate me talking about bleeding from my loins. So, if you don’t want me talking about my Happy Period don’t ask me if my nipples are hard.
4. Just because you have the uncanny talent of being able to Instant Message and Email with 15 different people does not make you a “playa.”
5. Sure, it’s entirely plausible that you’re just too busy in your life to go out and meet people in person yet still be able to IM for five hours every night.
6. There are 10,001 books and articles about “meeting the one” and maximizing your chances of meeting people online when all it boils down to is common sense and logic. There is no “secret” to online dating success. It’s a numbers game and I don’t consider being honest, posting recent pictures, and meeting in public places as “secrets.”
7. Putting words like “Hot,” “Sexy” and “The” will attract perverts and men looking to get their rocks off.
8. If I had starting charging a nickel, no wait, a penny for every time a man decided it was a good idea to send me a picture of his junk, I wouldn’t be dodging Capital One like the plague.
9. “I’m looking for a serious relationship” is code for “I’m going to tell you I love you on the first date and then try to fuck you without a condom.”
10. Everybody loves their job. Except me, apparently.
11. There are two constants when it comes to online dating. 1) Women lie about their weight and 2) Men lie about their height. Add 20 lbs and subtract two inches.
12. No matter how many pictures you have posted the person you are talking to will inevitably ask for more. Even if they only have one or two posted to your nine.
13. Everybody “likes to have fun,” “looks better in person” and “enjoy going out as much as staying in.”
14. And, they’ve never done anything like this before…

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1 Comment

  1. Anonymous
    August 04, 01:25 Reply
    I love it and it's all true! Add to the #13 trifecta, "Enjoying life to the fullest"<br />Another comment - if nobody HAS any baggage (as they claim) and nobody WANTS any baggage (as they state) then why the hell does almost every profile mention something about baggage??

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