Yet Another Shirtless Idiot

First of all, yay me for finally figuring out how to post a picture on this blog. Secondly, I apologize that this was the first picture to post.Less than 12 hours after posting my Profile Pet Peeves, I received the above picture via text message. Sometimes one really has to wonder about the timing in which things occur. Didn’t I just write “put your fucking shirt back on?”Let’s cut the crap. Mr. Morning Wood is a fucking moron. I don’t know what is more stupid. The fact that despite not having been out with Wood in almost four years he still deemed it necessary to try and poke my eye out or that he sent this picture to five other women in addition to me. That’s right, he sent this gem wishing us all a “Good Morning, lol” to six ladies. Any guy in his right mind should know better than to give the special six access to each others phone numbers. I guess this picture alone is proof that when a man has a hard on the blood rushes from his brain down to his nether regions.I’m not going to suddenly claim I’m a prude (you guys know me better than that). I have received such pictures before, sometimes upon request even, but this gratuitous morning wood picture is too much and sort of, well…random, to say the least. Let me give you some background on Mr. Wood.

Match.com was our matchmaker. The first two things I noticed about him were his biceps and his love of reality television (sometimes I just can’t get enough of watching people act retarded on national TV). Upon first meeting in person he appeared to be everything he had claimed to be only with a weaker chin but I could over look that minor detail because he had amazing pecs.

We went out a few times but he was just shy of a two year relationship so I was a tad weary and decided that it might be in my best interest to let this one die down before I found myself too attached. We managed to remain in contact, often by IM or email but nothing more came of this great love connection. He also happened to live about 45 minutes away from me and he didn’t seem to be making that much of an attempt to visit me on my end.

It wasn’t until I found him on Myspace did I get the full picture at how dramatic and needy this guy truly was. What was news to me was the way he proclaimed his love for the new girl in his life. I was slightly surprised and a little disappointed but somewhat taken aback by his declarations of love for the girl with too much eyeliner. I will also make a mention that despite her having a nicer figure than yours truly, I was (and still am) way better looking. Come on ladies, you know there is something cathartic about being better looking than a guys ex or even current girlfriend.

I sent him an email to congratulate him and get the scoop as I was entirely curious as to what I had missed just since the last time we had been in contact. He immediately wrote back saying that I shouldn’t congratulate him just yet as he and his girl “were off and on like a light switch”. I found that to be a rather pessimistic view of things and wondered to myself why he would stay in a relationship where it was clear that things weren’t going to work out. Sure enough, one week later, all signs of her had been erased from his profile and he was listed as single. A week after that? You guessed it. He was in love again. Two weeks after that? Single. It is safe to assume you know where this is going?

He picked up on his text messages to me yet I was none to eager to meet up with him again. Every time I declined he would get pissy saying that I was a typical game playing woman. I’m sure he didn’t consider that he only texted me last minute when I had already made plans. I had also just moved an additional 30 minutes away from him. He was clearly not into driving out to my neck of the woods and I certainly didn’t have any desire to trek an hour and 15 minutes to listen to him bitch and moan about his ex and how she had done him wrong. Mmm, a bitter man that’s too lazy to drive, despite how many times I have driven to him…no thank you.

At one point, he even asked me to leave a comment on his page saying that I was looking forward to meeting him for drinks later. Knowing we had no such plans, I saw his little ploy for exactly what it was. An attempt to make the ex jealous. Now why on heaven’s green earth would I want to get myself involved in that stupid love triangle. I have enough issues of my own.

So, here we are two years later after having found him on Myspace. The ex and he got back together (big surprise) and she moved in with him. They had a son and have now split for good as of about nine months ago. He constantly leaves me (and many other women) cheesy comments on Myspace. I can tell this by the responses he gets back. I guess this is his way at receiving the attention he needs from the opposite sex. I find it a turn off that a man that is 36 years old needs Myspace to fulfill his need for attention.

Oh, and one more thing…even when he was “in love” with Max Factor he never actually took his profile off of Match.com. I’ll also let you know that he hasn’t changed it a bit since I actually met him…5 YEARS AGO! For your reading pleasure I present you with Mr. Morning Wood’s Match.com profile:

“Hello, I’m an honest man and i don’t use out-dated pictures to represent myself. The oldest picture is 2 1/2 years old which is my main picture. The last several are mid January 2006 from one of my cruises which incidentally is not usually how I have my hair as it’s way too short for my liking. I love cruises and have been on a 5, 7, 8, 10, 11 day cruises all within 3 years from the Bahamas to Mexico to Hawaii.

I try and keep in shape and my body tan working out at least twice a week and my main employment is working in my home office selling full-time I was just recently released from a 2nd job due to facility closure of the postal service and I didn’t accept a further assignment.
My dad is from “Some place in Asia” and my mother is from “Hickville” (yes, I changed the locations) I’m not a big fan of “chatting” and am very spontaneous and am looking for the same. Would much prefer to meet for a coffee or a drink to get to know someone. Musically my favorite current artist is: Rob Thomas/Matchbox Twenty. My all-time favorite artist is: Elvis Presley. I own a condo in “BFE” and drive a Tundra and a Mercedes and I mention this just to show personality and not to brag, some have commented that I shouldn’t list what I drive or where I live but I say if I was bragging I would said I live in Malibu and drive a Ferrari, right? If you like to be impulsive and spontaneous, give me a wink and lets hang out. Thanks for your time in reading”
P.S. Contrary to popular belief, I should also let you know that I never even slept with this guy.

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  1. Dweeze
    December 15, 19:47 Reply
    You know, I was really hoping for something else when you tweeted that you had put a picture up here...
  2. JupaMan
    December 15, 20:04 Reply
    hey that was misleading. I thought it was going to be a picture of YOU topless. Ok, I'm off to read your post now. I just thought that I would comment on that first and then go read. :) <br />Love you babe, and I can't wait to see you
  3. JupaMan
    December 15, 20:25 Reply
    ok spicey, I'm not sure what to make of this one either. That guy definitely had some issues with his on again, off again, GF. He IS an idiot though for sending the same pics to 6 girls at the same time. Didn't he think that the other girls would see the emails that it went to? really? really? Some people never cease to amaze me. <br /><br />Very fucking awesome writing though. the shirtless idiot with the max factor gf. LOL
  4. brewers_rule
    December 15, 20:46 Reply
    All I can say is when you go trolling for hot, 36yo guys, don't be surprised when they turn out to be like the age-resistant dude on the Bowflex commercial who thinks he's cool being in a rock band yet needs constant reinforcement of that "awesomeness" from women he dates. <br /><br />Guys that are that age are single for a reason. Guys that make a point NOT to brag, ARE bragging. Guys that take underwear pics that incl. abs are looking for a good bang. Guys that profess love for Matchbox 20 in the same sentence as Elvis either have a warped view of musical history or have a serious library of music to choose from (I'm in the latter but I've found I'm an anomaly and unabashedly admit my own excentricities). Sad to say, but w/the "Look at how Awesome I am" Generation, the dating pool's been turned into the Bushwood pool and that's NOT a candy bar floating in there next to ya'. I feel for ya', I really DO ;)
  5. Candz
    December 15, 20:59 Reply
    Max Factor. *snort*<br />I find "spontaneous" is really just a euphemism for "dude with no plan"
  6. toomany2choose
    December 16, 00:57 Reply
    I don't think the pec's were what he wanted you to see in the 'good morning' photo. <br /><br />And honestly? It is NOT that big of a bulge he's showing off. I'd send him a pic of a blow up doll and tell him it's his future long term relationship.
  7. Just Marlon
    December 16, 02:52 Reply
    Haha! You're hilarious..I don't comment often, but I love reading your blog. I know it may not seem all that amusing to you because its your love life, but the way you express yourself takes away the bitterness most single people (self included) have when it comes to dating.
  8. the Urban Dater
    December 18, 17:42 Reply
    It surprises me that guys actually do this. I laugh when I read a woman's profile and she has to put things like, "Please don't send me a penis pic." lol. What a douche nozzle.
  9. VE
    December 18, 23:01 Reply
    I went out on 72 dates via internet dating before meeting my second wife. That almost two years ago. I'm SO glad the internet dating era is over for me. But the stories...
  10. Anonymous
    December 30, 01:16 Reply
    That amount of wood is just not worth all that aggravation.<br /><br />Vixterl
  11. ideas
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