Please Stop Sending Me Dick Pics
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Please Stop Sending Me Dick Pics

“Have you ever been with a very well endowed man..?”

The question blindsided me as it came on the heels of a 43 year old construction company estimating manager telling me he’d just gotten back from vacation and needed to spend some time with his son.

“Yes.”

“Yes…!!!!!! Was he huge…? How big..? And how long ago?”

Just 4 minutes earlier we were talking about his job and his family. He was now intensely curious about penis. I knew where this was going. I’d had multiple conversations over the years that took this same route. Can’t say I was all that surprised but I was disappointed. At one month shy of 38, the idea of sexting some tactless gent was far from my idea of an aphrodisiac. If I’d wanted to swipe right and get on my back I would have tried Tinder.

“Don’t become one of ‘those guys’.”

“Huh?”

“I feel like you’re 2 seconds away from sending me a dick pic.”

“Take care Melisa”

And just like that he was gone. Perhaps I was little harsh? I’ll never know but my gut tells me I wasn’t.

Earlier that day I’d woken up to a penis, two actually, staring at me from my phone. My profile had only been active 4 days and I was already getting a ton of dick. Which, had the circumstances been different I would have enjoyed immensely.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m far from prude. I love dick. Dicks give me endless amounts of joy and I’m not completely anti-penis pic…IF I ask for it. But I will be forever perplexed by those relentlessly unoriginal men who think I will drop to my knees as soon as they assault my iPhone with their wiener.

This makes me sad and frustrated for a new dating culture that seems to have been perpetuated those who feel they are contributing to society by having thousands of Instagram followers instead of a decent education. The behavior I could excuse from a young twenty-something male raised in a culture of social media and laziness has now become the M.O. for grown men in their late-30s and 40s and I find that offensive.

However, it’s not entirely their fault. I can’t blame any man for sending a picture of their Johnson and looking for some instant gratification because there are women who will oblige them. If women stopped indulging these petty and borderline harassing texts, these messages would cease to continue. It would simply boil down to a matter of supply and demand.

But let’s just say, I do ask for a picture of your willy, can you at least try and make it look a little less shady. Most dick pics I’ve received look like mug shots. They are characterized by terrible lighting, awkward angles, and lots of bathroom tile. If you insist on sending me a picture of your most prized possession, make it a worthwhile assault on my eyes. Put a hat on it or dress it up like a unicorn, at the very least. And trim your fucking balls.

Even better, do what this woman did and make art out of it the unrelenting Peni. Genius. And yes, there is an app for that.

Photo Credit: Dicture Gallery

Photo Credit: Dicture Gallery

Also, from now on, every unsolicited dick pic I receive will be answered with this:

dick pic

Unless you want me dressing your cock up like a cholo or being compared to a dead mouse, considered yourself warned.

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