Sincerely, The Older Woman
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Sincerely, The Older Woman

Meet Joe. He’s 23, short, lives in New York and has this to say in his profile:

Interests: Looking for a long term relationship with no bs or drama.

First Date: Depends on the mood. I can do both. I like to go out to dinner and a movie or we can stay in a watch it and order out. 

He’s a “Personal Trainer; Cashier” and looking for a long term relationship. No kids and undecided/open about the prospect of having any.

His email to me:

“Hello my name is Joe. I was just browsing thru some profiles in when I came across your page. I think your a very hot older woman and since this is an online dating site I thought that maybe you would be interested to talk. If you are you can hit me up on yahoo at dumbass1234 or msn at dumbass5678 (Yes, I just made those up). I have a cam on there so you can see more of me if you want. Hope to talk to you soon. Bye.”

This is what I take away after reading his profile and email:

1. He’s not a fan of proofreading.
2. He’s very original. We can go to dinner and a movie or stay in and watch one with take-out. Clever.
3. He doesn’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re” which happens to be a personal pet peeve of mine along with “there,” “their” and “they’re.”
4. He’s a master of the obvious. This is an online dating site? Really? Oh shit, that explains a lot.
5. “I have a cam…so you can see more of me” really means “I’m going to pull out my junk and let you watch me masturbate.”
6. His pictures scream more cashier and less personal trainer.

What his profile doesn’t mention is that he’s clearly a masochist. No man in their right mind would call a gal an “older woman” unless he wants to be punched in the mouth. Also, I’m 31, people!!! I’m not a cougar, I’m not past my prime and my biological clock is not ticking.

What I am, is someone who’s about to school Mr. Joe on what manners are. Ok, not really. I’m just going to do what I do best. And that’s make him cry. He’s still a puppy and needs to be trained. If he ever has a chance of getting laid, Joe needs to learn how to talk to women.

Dear Joe,

I would have responded last night but I couldn’t find my bifocals. While I’m flattered (not really) that you would take the time to write me, I’m going to have to pass on your invitation to talk and view your webcam. Also, I live in California and find that a 4000 mile commute is a bitch.

But, feel free to contact me if you’re ever in the area, you’ve grown six inches, and have successfully completed puberty.

Till then, good luck in your cougar search.

Sincerely,
The Older Woman

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6 Comments

  1. Anonymous
    August 16, 20:27 Reply
    Now that was funny..... <br />Sincerely,<br />from the 43 year old woman... !!!!
  2. JupaMan
    August 17, 07:15 Reply
    good reads.. have I mentioned how much I enjoy your blog? it should be used as a learning tool so that guys know what NOT to do in the future. :)
  3. MissM
    August 20, 23:32 Reply
    I've suffered #5 way too many times. I got so tired of looking at junk that I don't even have a yahooa account anymore. Just because YOU like looking at it doesn't mean *I* do. <br /><br />Great entry, my first read and I was already laughing out loud.
  4. MissMelisaMae
    August 26, 23:17 Reply
    JupaMan, thanks for taking the time to read my rants. Feel free to share anything I say to those that need to be schooled in the ways of women, lol<br /><br />MissM, I hope you continue reading. There certainly isn't a shortage of bullshit for me to spill when it comes to dating and the opposite sex. This stuff literally writes itself!
  5. Elizabeth
    May 30, 15:13 Reply
    I love your points 1 through 6 - ESPECIALLY 1 and 3. I couldn't agree more - why can guys not spell? Oh, once again, I have done little today but read through your entire blog. Alternatively mortifying, hysterical, sad AND funny ... I do love your writing! Please keep it up. <span class="cluv">Elizabeth recently posted..<a class="c5627e871e 16282" rel="nofollow" href="http://thereveriesofelizabeth.blogspot.com/2013/05/it-will-chew-you-up-and-spit-you-out.html">It will chew you up and spit you out like an old chappie</a></span>

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