1% of the population is clinically psychotic, and I just f*cked one

1% of the population is clinically psychotic, and I just f*cked one

Better my head than my penis

If you aren’t already familiar with the writings of Mike the Master Dater, then you are surely missing out.   Not only is he one of my best friends but he’s also one of the few men that has actually called me out on my shit and lived to tell about it.  He’s raw, brash and completely unapologetic.  He’s the male version of me!  Oh, and he’s hot.  What’s not to love?  He also has an incredible knack for attracting psychos…


Last week…

“Please… All I want is for you to leave me alone. Stop threatening my friends, stop calling me, stop texting me, and just leave me alone.” The girl looking back at me had her teeth clenched and looked as if she were going to gouge my eyes out and eat them like dumplings. She was the reason I have been carrying pepper spray with me for the last two months. I looked right to a large rat knocking over a can, when… “WHACK!” she slapped me so hard that even the birds flying around my head looked dazed.

2 months earlier…

I was having a great time in Saigon, I was drinking too much, smoking too much and according the callous forming only on my right hand, masturbating too much. I hadn’t had sex in a while and I was feeling it, I caught myself either eying the inappropriate or the simply disgusting. This felt a little bit like when I ran out of food while on a cycling trip, and started eying dead bugs and discarded fast food bags. This is when I ran into Monica, she was cute, Thai and Horny. “You show it to me (she grabs at my crotch and I pull away) I wanna know if it is big enough!” Now, without going through the tacky, nauseating details of our drunken courtship, we can both assume that she was wild, I was hungry and it seemed like a pretty good exchange.

Later that night…

I was incredibly satisfied, we just finished a sex marathon and I felt like a starving man after a buffet but hopefully with less food on my face. I grinned ear to ear but when I saw her face in the dim light my smile faded. “How you do that? I never do like that before…” her disturbed look softened, getting a bit doe eyed. Something was really really wrong here, I thought in silence for a while, “Monica, how many guys have you been with?” It looked like she was preparing to lie when she said, “One guys,” the way she said it felt honest. I remember closing my eyes in a major “Oh fuck…” moment. I was silent for about 30 seconds trying to figure out how to phrase my next question; I cocked my head and said, “Monica, do you love me?” To my horror her lower lip started to tremble like my father’s restless leg, “How you know? How you know ‘bout my thinking??” she burst into tears and through the pillow I could hear her say, “Yes I love you, I love you so much.”

Oh fuck, this is going to be bad but if I knew HOW bad, I would have proactively pepper sprayed myself and jumped off my balcony.

The next morning…

“Monica, you have to go home now, my friends are coming over soon and we are going to the gym. Please put your clothes on and go,” I said this a bit clipped because I had been trying to get her to leave for the last two hours. “You go to gym, I stay here wait for you.” This is when my friend Matt, as usual, burst into my room without knocking, “Stop bloody wankin’ and put the kettle on Govenaa!” He collapsed on the sofa and lit a ciggy, I motioned to the girl in my bed and we both stared at her, she had, while sitting up, pulled the comforter over her head, looking like a Scooby Doo ghost minus the eye holes. WTF? As we stared she started to shimmy towards the far corner of the bed to obscure herself, it was like a child covering her eyes to make herself invisible. Thirty minutes later, the comforter teepee started to work it’s way towards its clothes. We got silent as a tan arm reached for the pile of clothing on the nightstand. Five mins later, it emerged, looked at us in fury, and bolted out the door. “What the fuck was that?” said Matt. “I have no idea but I hope I never see it again.”

Three days later…

“Jesus, this girl won’t stop calling me, I think she is about to hit 20, fuck… there it goes,” my phone buzzed in my hand, I hung up. I looked at my chain-smoking friend Masahiro and explained the story. The phone rang 5 more times during the telling. Masahiro said, “My friend’s ex was like that, right before she jumped in front of a train.” I looked at him, “Seriously??” He put out his cigarette and smiled, “No…”

Three hours later…

The total calls were about to hit 50 and my buddy Ben sitting across from me with his camera looked delighted to see me open a can o’ whoop ass. “Okay, okay, I’m ready, answer the phone,” he started filming and I let loose. “What the FUCK are you doing Monica… I don’t fucking care if you want to see me, are you a fucking lunatic??? Don’t ever talk to me, look at me, call me, or message me ever fucking again.” This same conversation looped for about 4 minutes until I hung up, and she called back, I hung up and she called back. Damn it!!! I want to be able to use my damn phone! I barely was able to activate the call-blocking software, finally It stopped… Whew.

Four hours later…

From 11 to 3 in the morning she managed to hit redial 450 times. Oh fuck, I think I just hit the loony tunes lottery. Would I be stabbed in my sleep? My penis decapitated, stuffed, and a suction cup stitched to the base?

She has, to my relief, stopped calling me and my penis is still attached. Did I handle things correctly? Nope… Would I have preferred to have not had the experience? Hell no! What a ride! Do I want to repeat it? Nope… this was kinda like surviving cancer, I learned something but it fucking sucked.

Crazy Monica also sent me hundreds of texts, and each one was answered with the autoreply, “Monica, this is an autoreply and not me. I don’t read or receive your texts. Please, leave me alone or I will involve the Police.” Unfortunately, she never understood and kept hammering her head on the glass similar to one of the sharks at my local aquarium but I think the shark might have been more intelligent.

Here are a few of her texts for your enjoyment, none of these were ever responded to:

Message: Hi, how are you? I would like you to introduce my sister..but im scared maybe you hurt me again…

Message: Why you make me say it? but I love you.

Message: Hi, how are you? What are you doin?

Message: Your bulshit in my life!

Message: I dont want trouble! Do you understand! If you like trouble.. trouble yourself! Dont want a bad conversation from you!

Message: ..dont force me to tell this to my parents my parents are here ! Dont ever force me i do..you just wait let see!

Message: Go to hell!!!

Message: My boyfriend ws very angry with you..i am with my boyfriend europe..he want to kill you bec. people like you very stupid i ever know!  (She didn’t have a boyfriend, she is referring to a guy that blocked her on facebook)

Message: …sorry i drunk..i know no body like me..i admit..sorry if i annoyed you..:) ..just want you to know im not bad person. Thanks.

Message: fuck u ashole guy!!

Message: Do you think i believe you? Hhahaha! You need shychaitress (Psychiatrist, this apparently was in answer to my autoreply message)

Message: TeXT later ganna drive motorbike fuck tonight if you like..choose the younger or the old woman..?

Message: Hahahahaha miss your fuck baby..

Message: No your so funny love it!

Message: You need mental..

Message: Haha! Why im with you now? Of coures your alone there..

Message: Peace be with you..

Message: Gush i miss your fuck only fuck i miss it!

Message: Much better your change your number bec. If not i always bothering you make me angry..!

Message: Hey american are you really a guy or gay?

Message: Your ashole..how come you call the name of the lord.out of pure heart! Your nonsense person! (In response to her sitting outside my building, I drove by saying “oh god…”)

Message: Abnormal!

Message: Baby where are you? Here in your home.. I knock the door..

Message: If you like that i knock your door very loud..!

Message: fuck u ashole guy!!!

This is a guest post by Mike from mikethemasterdater.com

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  1. Cory Raven
    February 10, 08:52 Reply
    damn, I had a girl kinda like that in highschool.. fucked 2 of my friends and my roomate.. the most recent fuckee insisted that I do her and I was like what the hell and went for it... turns out I was just the next inline for endless mails asking where I am and what im doing.. the day after I fucked her in the back seat of my roomates car (same place he fucked her a few times) she texted me 20 times and phoned me about 30 times in 15 minutes while I was trying to enjoy a beer and a burger at my buddies BBQ.
  2. Mike Masters
    February 10, 09:04 Reply
    Hey Cory, I didn't expect a comment from you. Would you mind saying the word fuck a few more times? I think I might be in love with this girl, do you still have her number? Thanks for stopping by buddy.
  3. T
    February 10, 09:55 Reply
    Ooooohhhh Mikey, I love you! I really do! You know it's true. Me love you LOOOONNNNGGGG time! (oh how I've missed your stories...) xxoo <span class="cluv">T recently posted..<a class="d44150422e 1733" rel="nofollow" href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2011/02/bitchy-divorce-lawyer-saved-me-from.html">Bitchy divorce lawyer saved me from homelessness!</a></span>
    • Mike Masters
      February 10, 10:21 Reply
      Hey Tee!!! Happy to be creating more stories to entertain you with. As for you loving my long time? I could only be so lucky. and the Vietnamese hooker jokes? Fucking hell, they aren't an exaggeration. They actually fucking say,"Me boom boom you soo goood, you lye me baby, yu no I lov you so long, I so good babee, very chea for long time, we go, we go now, righ babee?" What a hooker was saying to me in a park while she tried to figure out how to pickpocket me. <span class="cluv">Mike Masters recently posted..<a class="663844eb9e 1734" rel="nofollow" href="http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/mikethemasterdater/~3/Cs0CccQOCjs/">My morality is inversely proportional to her hotness – A cheater’s story</a></span>
      • T
        February 10, 13:42 Reply
        That's hilarious. I love how you spelled it all out too. I think I'm gonna practice talking like that to see if it's a turn on to my boyfriend... <span class="cluv">T recently posted..<a class="ab77eb78df 1737" rel="nofollow" href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2011/02/bitchy-divorce-lawyer-saved-me-from.html">Bitchy divorce lawyer saved me from homelessness!</a></span>
  4. JupaMan
    February 10, 11:25 Reply
    holy shit!!! that sounds EXACTLY like my current girlfriend. WOW! <span class="cluv">JupaMan recently posted..<a class="b1fd181616 1735" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.jupaman.com/2011/02/09/when-porn-church-meet/">When Porn &amp Church Meet</a></span>
    • Mike Masters
      February 10, 13:47 Reply
      I still have some pepper spray left if you would like. <span class="cluv">Mike Masters recently posted..<a class="c4b56eb2fb 1738" rel="nofollow" href="http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/mikethemasterdater/~3/Cs0CccQOCjs/">My morality is inversely proportional to her hotness – A cheater’s story</a></span>
      • Jackie Summers
        February 11, 06:05 Reply
        You could use the pepper spray as lube for this one. JFB <span class="cluv">Jackie Summers recently posted..<a class="b65979ff74 1744" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.jackfrombkln.com/the-golden-ratio-of-attraction/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=the-golden-ratio-of-attraction">The Golden Ratio of Attraction</a></span>
        • Mike Masters
          February 11, 19:18 Reply
          I tried that before and it backfired on me. Had to spend the night in the bathtub, drinking whiskey. I will explain if need be.
  5. Man-shopper
    February 10, 11:38 Reply
    Wow. Just... WOW. I'm at a loss. I am speechless in the wake of her crazy. Hilarious though. I'm cackling over here. <span class="cluv">Man-shopper recently posted..<a class="933abafb52 1736" rel="nofollow" href="http://manshopping.wordpress.com/2011/02/02/ms-lingerie-goddess/">Ms Lingerie Goddess</a></span>
    • Mike Masters
      February 10, 13:50 Reply
      Pretty insane right? Amazingly, I am actually holding back on the full story, usually as a writer I embellish a bit but in this case I had to cut it down in order to not get arrested. This is exactly why I am so afraid to sleep with you. Crazy Asian girls... <span class="cluv">Mike Masters recently posted..<a class="769a52469e 1739" rel="nofollow" href="http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/mikethemasterdater/~3/Cs0CccQOCjs/">My morality is inversely proportional to her hotness – A cheater’s story</a></span>
      • Man-shopper
        February 10, 15:05 Reply
        We are too crazy for most to handle, this goes without saying. But I'm told that the payoff can sometimes ALMOST be worth it. Just almost though! <span class="cluv">Man-shopper recently posted..<a class="a59cb59156 1740" rel="nofollow" href="http://manshopping.wordpress.com/2011/02/02/ms-lingerie-goddess/">Ms Lingerie Goddess</a></span>
        • Mike Masters
          February 10, 21:00 Reply
          5 am, a couple of glasses of rum, and Mike thinks it's a good idea to hit on manshopper on MMM's blog. The really sad thing is I probably would have said the same thing sober.
          • Man-shopper
            February 11, 02:56
            Why is this a sad thing? In my humble opinion, it's ALWAYS a good idea to hit on man-shopper. I like the attention :) <span class="cluv">Man-shopper recently posted..<a class="bb49040499 1743" rel="nofollow" href="http://manshopping.wordpress.com/2011/02/02/ms-lingerie-goddess/">Ms Lingerie Goddess</a></span>
          • missmelisamae
            February 11, 10:35
            Are you referring to $1 rum? Not that it matters. I'd totally hit on Manshopper, too! She's hot!
      • Mike Masters
        February 11, 19:23 Reply
        @MMM I was referring to the $1 rum but I am no longer allowed to drink it. It is just too tasty and I end up killing a whole bottle every time. Then... I wake up relatively miserable and have to crack another bottle to dull the pain. I imagine if Melisa were here, I would just have to keep feeding her bottles of rum to her hotel. @manshopper, I think you get enough attention already, I am officially cutting you off.
  6. Alex Vasquez
    February 11, 09:35 Reply
    I will always hit on man-shopper on any day ending with a "y." True story. Mike, I second Jack's suggestion and finisher her off with some pepper spray lube action... Actually, going forward, i think you should soak your condoms in pepper spray.
    • Mike Masters
      February 11, 19:26 Reply
      The condom thing might be a good idea since I have had the nightmarish experience of pepper poisoning on my pecker. One of the worst pains I have ever experienced. Well besides the cue stick incident. Since I have seen you in a long time Alex I want to leave you with some words from my heart... "Gush i miss your fuck baby only fuck i miss it!!!"
  7. Single Much
    February 14, 14:01 Reply
    holy shit, this is awesome! not just because this girl makes me feel like the sanest person in the world but also because the accent is killer!! I am thrilled to read the adventures of someone as out there as Melissa. :) And yes. You would need to keep giving her bottles because apparently she likes to be drunk at least 80% of the time while on vacation.
    • Mike Masters
      April 05, 00:38 Reply
      Thanks! Looking forward to dragging her to Vietnam and drinking our brains out. <span class="cluv">Mike Masters recently posted..<a class="67dd95721b 2640" rel="nofollow" href="http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/mikethemasterdater/~3/YhmoTN_KvS4/">Mailbag- I am in love with a Sith Lord…</a></span>
  8. James
    September 22, 22:42 Reply
    I need something like that minus the threatening and slapping. Must have been nice.
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