7 Things I Would Rather Do Than Have Sex

7 Things I Would Rather Do Than Have Sex

YourTango recently published the article Better Than Sex: 9 Things People Would Rather Do Than Get Busy. To summarize, below were those nine things:

  1. Eat
  2. Eat bacon, specifically
  3. Use their smartphone
  4. Sleep
  5. Own a plasma TV
  6. Drink hot chocolate
  7. Masturbate
  8. Catch up on paperwork
  9. Reading a book

Reading through that list, a few of those were quite understandable. Bacon, hello! But honestly, there really isn’t a whole lot I’d rather do than perform the act of coitus. When done right, I’d take sex over hot chocolate any day.

However, with a hectic work schedule, bills to pay, and a desire to rule the world, my time has become precious and somewhat limited.  So were I to choose between the horizontal mambo and the following, I might pause for a moment to consider my options. Let me share with you a few things I might prefer over getting busy.

Get a foot rub. After a 12 hour day running around the office I would suck a dick just to have somebody pull out the body butter and give my feet a once over. As a matter of fact, last Friday, at the tail end of a 60 hour work week, I threw that out in passing. My manager thought I was joking. I wasn’t.

Sleep. Just like YourTango’s list, I would rather curl up in bed and pass out and for the same reasons listed above for wanting a foot rub. The sheer exhausting I feel after a long day’s work practically makes me comatose by the time I step foot inside my tiny apartment. When my alarm goes off in the morning, the first thing on my mind is going back to bed as soon as I get home from work.

Do nothing. The other night, I contemplated having a male friend over but then realized I didn’t feel like cleaning or shaving my legs. The exertion required to ready myself for 15 minutes of physical intimacy just wasn’t worth the time it would take for me to shove all my dirty clothes into the closet. Sorry, Patrick.

Watch Amy Shumer. That’s one funny bitch. Just today while shopping with my brother for kitty litter he compared me to her; the only difference being she’s actually funny. He and were never that close, anyway.

Masturbate. The only other thing on YourTango’s list I could agree with. Over the years, I’ve had a lot of practice playing with others and only a select few I’d like to play with again. I know what I want and I know how I like it. Also, masturbating is very selfish and I happen to be a very selfish person. I don’t have to worry about satisfying another person and I don’t have to share the attention. It’s like a threesome with two guys except I don’t have to worry about rug burn and lockjaw.  Or two guys.

Have somebody clean my apartment. If I had to give up sex for someone to clean my apartment I don’t think I’d even stop to contemplate my decision. I’d hand over the vacuum and Windex and go do something productive; like sleep.

That's the exact same look I have upon entering the makeup mecca

That’s the exact same look I have upon entering the makeup mecca

Sephora. I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. I spend so much money there the managers know me by name. You know that person who’s always asking a million questions and ends up in the makeup chair with “Sucker” written on the back? That’s me. Every. Fucking. Time. I’d sell a kidney to finance my Sephora shopping sprees if I thought my kidneys were still any good.

So while I would give up sex for some Urban Decay eye shadow, I most certainly would not give it up to catch up on paperwork or read a book. Because that would just be silly.

What would you give up?

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  1. Hottie Monique
    January 04, 13:20 Reply
    Wow... I love that list! ;) Specially that foot spa and hot chocolate!

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