Perhaps During Sex Isn’t the Best Time to Bring Up Bed Bugs

Perhaps During Sex Isn’t the Best Time to Bring Up Bed Bugs

There are four words one does not want to hear post coitus:  “I had bed bugs.”

“So that’s why it sounds like you have a piss sheet on your bed?  For a minute there, I thought you were going to try and kill me.”

“How long have we known each other and you still think I’d try to kill you?”

“Haven’t you seen American Psycho?  Nevermind.  Personally, I’d rather you tried to kill me then expose me to bedbugs.”

“You’re crazy.  And it’s not a piss sheet.  It’s for the be…”

“Bed bugs.  Yes, I remember.  Thanks.”

What this experience taught me was that not only do I need to worry about STD’s, pregnancy and bad grammar; I now have to worry about bed bugs.  Could dating get any worse?  Don’t answer that.  It was rhetorical.

Earlier that same evening, I found myself wagering sexual trysts over a can of soup.  Bug Boy said he had brought me some a year earlier to my old apartment when I was feeling sick and all I remember is him coming over and trying to talk me into a threesome.  Funny how my memory gets more selective as I get older.  If he won the bet, he wanted to “do it” three times.  If I won, I got to make a cocktail and watch Takers while he rubbed my feet.  He won the bet and I never got my foot massage.  Luckily, I didn’t get lice either.

From now on, all conversations with any and all male prospects will go something like this:

“Are you married?  Have a girlfriend?  Criminal record?  Bed bugs?  You heard me…do you have bed bugs?  Hello?”

I can see that going over extremely well.

Aside from my booty call’s infestation, I had to wonder why I was even there in the first place.  Especially since I was using a bowl of Campbell’s chicken noodle to get out of having sex with a beautifully sculpted, 6’4” personal trainer from Manhattan Beach.  That’s when it hit me.  I’m bored, uninterested and oversexed.

Intellectually, I’m not being stimulated.  A romp in the hay with someone who doesn’t know his own zip-code is becoming quite tiresome.  Where’s the challenge?  I believe my mother would call this “her baby girl finally growing up”.  I beg to differ.  How many 33 year old women do you know that have 118 episodes of Batman* recorded on their DVR?  Exactly.

I’m thinking celibacy may be the needed course of action.  I don’t know how long that will last.  I usually start to go a little bat shit crazy at the one month mark.  Something as simple as a gust of wind can jumpstart my predatory mode.  Heaven forbid the mailman be under 70 because It. Will. Be. On.

The real question is; can I do it?  Doubtful.  Am I going to try?  Sure, what the hell?  Just don’t be surprised if you’re in LA and happen across a 5’9” blonde dryhumping a telephone pole in about 30 days.

And, for the record, when I went in for my last health screening a few weeks back I had them run the full panel of tests.  The hiv, the herp, Chlamydia, Syphilis, termites.  All came back clean.

Nobody can digress from insects into celibacy quite the way I can.  That may or may not be a good thing.


*Adam West is the shit.

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  1. LJ Maggie
    September 14, 00:38 Reply
    Love this post. Bedbugs not good ever. I have thought about going celibate too b/c I am over the booty call situation and it seems that is what most guys out here in LA want. I seem to go with it sometimes b/c I am a sexual person. Hope you can make it longer than a month.
    • missmelisamae
      September 14, 13:27 Reply
      I don't mind the booty call situation. I'm bored with it. Where's the chase? The thrill? BO-RING! Highly doubtful I'll make the one month mark ;)
  2. Roxanne
    September 14, 06:24 Reply
    EWWW! bedbugs! I'm celibate by circumstance and choice. Don't want a boyfriend, don't want booty-calls. Sigh. Sometimes a girl has to "give up giving it up" for a while. Sigh.
    • missmelisamae
      September 14, 13:28 Reply
      I agree. And yes, catching bedbugs is not on my bucket list.
  3. Caramella
    September 14, 18:21 Reply
    Do it! But you have to be strict with yourself - set a time period and stick to it even if it kills you. It's likely you'll meet a pile of intelligent man-candy in this period (they can sense it), but it will just make that first bite of the peach so much sweeter. And remember, Nicholas Cage could eat a peach for hours. <span class="cluv">Caramella recently posted..<a class="69753f4337 7858" rel="nofollow" href="">The hare beat the tortoise</a></span>
  4. Nikki B
    September 15, 05:56 Reply
    Going celebate??? Noooooooo!!! Kidding. Of course I applaud any and all free choices in the world of sex, even the ones to (*gasp!*) not have it. Maybe the breather will be enough time to get the old out of your life and bring in some new! But... PS? Bed bugs might make me go running for single-bed-ism, too. Yikes! <span class="cluv">Nikki B recently posted..<a class="6f66b122fe 7868" rel="nofollow" href="">Being the Other Woman.</a></span>
    • missmelisamae
      September 15, 08:45 Reply
      I doubt it will stick. Celibacy is a concept I'm not very familiar with.
  5. Ruby
    September 17, 08:12 Reply
    Everyone caves, only a matter of time. ;) <a href="" rel="nofollow">Girlfriends Are Like Shoes</a>
  6. Cadence Harper
    September 19, 03:58 Reply
    Your telephone pole line got an audible laugh out of me. HI-larious! Interestingly enough, recently two of my guy friends have taken the celibacy hiatus. Seemed to work for one.. He very quickly met the girl of his dreams... So, who knows what could happen. For me, I've accepted celibacy recently after some disappointing experiences. I'd rather get none than go through that bs again!
  7. singlegirlie
    September 26, 11:15 Reply
    Oh, I wish it were like back in the olden days when the worst thing you could get is pregnant. Not that that's good. But the list of Bad Stuff You Get From Sex is just out of control. Bed bugs? Really? Maybe it is a sign and celibacy is the right course of action. For now. But I get it - it's tough for me to last longer than a month myself. What's a girl to doooooo??? <span class="cluv">singlegirlie recently posted..<a class="379bbc1ba8 7986" rel="nofollow" href="">I Am Not Dead</a></span>
    • missmelisamae
      September 26, 20:59 Reply
      With everything that outs there these days (and now bed bugs!) pregnancy almost seems like a good thing.
  8. Sex Toy
    December 14, 01:48 Reply
    Yeah, Bedbugs not good ever. I love this blog. I don't think about the booty call situation. Anyhow your blog helps me somewhat. Thanks for sharing this information with us. Keep posting like this. <span class="cluv">Sex Toy recently posted..<a class="45deb539ce 21886" rel="nofollow" href="">Bigger and better- size does matter</a></span>

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