Object sexuality or objectum sexuality is a pronounced emotional and often romantic desire towards developing significant relationships with particular inanimate objects. In other words, there is a name for the way I feel about Devil’s Food Cake.
Recently, while perusing the internets I came across this gem of carnal knowledge:
Daniel ‘Hotcock’ Cooper Convicted Of Sex With A Landrover
Naturally, my first thought was, “having sex with a Land Rover is a crime?” Who knew? Although, if one were to be arrested for having sex with an inanimate object I suppose a $50,000 SUV is certainly the way to go. Even I can’t help but agree with Mr. Hotcock that that’s not a bad lookin’ ride.
Mr. Hotcock is described as being a family man and father of three. With the self-proclaimed nickname of Hotcock how can he not be a respectable member of society? He just had a little too much to drink. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time a man got hammered and dropped his drawers. Most men I know will do that for a Pepsi.
To teach Hotcock a lesson, he’s been ordered to pay $134 and has been banned from going outside between 7 p.m. and 7 a.m. on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays for three months. The British penal system rocks. Let’s hope his wife has their kitchen on lock down.
You can read about the sexual assault of a 4X4 Here.
But, apparently, this isn’t an isolated incident. People have been fucking things without a soul for years. Just when I’d finally got over the fact that Honey Boo Boo’s mom was getting married before me I learned that the Eiffel Tower is not only also married, but has, in fact, consummated said marriage to a woman from San Francisco. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that long distance relationships don’t work.
In fact, just Google “sex with inatomate objects” and you’ll see how much action Objects are getting these days. Hell, you don’t even have to spell inanimate correct and you’ll get a slew of sexually active Things.
So, the next time you’re bitching about not finding the right man (or woman), never fear because there’s a park bench out there somewhere with your name on it.