He Just Wasn’t That Into Me (Literally)

Few things confuse me more than math and Paris Hilton’s popularity. But there is one thing that tops that list and that thing is Men. Lately, my brain has turned into a clusterfuck of confusing innuendos and out of control hormones. However, I can explain the cause for this in three little words. Hot Bicep Guy.

HBG has not been an easy man to conquer. He runs hot and cold with little more than a few hours to distinguish between the two. One minute I’ll receive text messages and phone calls in rapid succession then won’t hear a word for days just to have him hound me down again the moment I ask myself, “Hot Bicep Guy who?”

He’s interested and I know it. To be honest, I’m truly enjoying the built up sexual tension that’s emerging from our little game of Cat and Mouse. At the peak of insatiable lust and desire I’m certain he will be the best lover known to man with a cock the size of Mr. Ed’s. But when he goes MIA I’m positive he has a little penis and is suffering from erectile dysfunction. Funny how my mind works sometimes.

Had he given into my whims and desires from the start I no doubt would have bored of him quickly and moved on to some other member of the male species. By him playing Keep Away with his genitalia I’ve driven myself mad trying to figure out ways to make kidnapping legal.

With my patience nearing its expiration date, last week I told him I had waited long enough and it was time for him to prove he wasn’t just all talk.

About 9:30 that evening HBG pulled up wearing little more than a pair of shorts and tennis shoes. He wasn’t even wearing a shirt which I more than okay with. After giving me a hug, I led him down to Fantasyland intentionally walking behind him so I could take stock of the fine definition of his back and ass. I was going to savor every single part of this evening. After months of seduction this was finally going to happen!

As he lay on my bed and mindlessly droned on about work and other nonsense I tried my best to keep my fangs and claws hidden. Seeing him topless on top of the covers without having to worry about any unwanted distractions was almost too much to bear. I was ready to pounce.

Then he said he was tired.

I turned out the light hoping that “tired” was code for “sexy time”.

Then he turned away from me and got under the covers.


Occasionally, HBG would turn over and look at me, only inches from my face and say something uninspiring. It was becoming painfully obvious that if anything was going to happen I was going to have to make the first move. Pansy.

Not being able to contain myself any longer I leaned over and kissed him. Kissing HBG was much like kissing my pillow. Soft and warm yet nothing in return. Not sensing any reciprocation I backed off quickly and he continued to mumble about dumb shit as though I hadn’t just leaned over and tried to stick my tongue in his mouth.

But it gets better.

He explained to me that he considered kissing to be a very intimate act therefore he didn’t do it a lot. Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that I was making out with Pretty Woman. He had, in fact, come over with the intention of penetrating me with his manhood yet swapping spit was crude and inappropriate? Mental note to bring my straight jacket out of storage.

That’s when the unthinkable happened.

He turned into a woman.

HBG: When you get what you want from me, you’re just going to kick me to the curb and never talk to me again, aren’t you?

Me: Huh? Where did that come from?

HBG: And I didn’t bring any condoms anyway.

This isn’t exactly how I had planned this evening to go. I’m not sure what part of “I want you to come over so we can fuck all night” gave him the impression that we wouldn’t be having sex and condoms wouldn’t be necessary. He apologized and told me I was a “funny and cool chick” that he wanted to see again. Gee, thanks.

Then, without warning HBG jumped on top of me and said he wanted to see what I felt like. He kissed my neck for a little bit, dry humped me like a fucking teenager, got me all hot and bothered then jumped off and turned away leaving me bitter, frustrated and wondering if I was capable of raping a man.

So let me get this straight. HBG drove a half hour to my place at 9 o’clock to dry hump and sleep. I must look damn good for my age as he apparently has me confused with a 15 year old.

5 minutes later…

HBG: If I had come prepared, we would be going at it till morning. When ARE we going to have sex?

Me: How about NOW, Motherfucker?

HBG: Sorry, next time I’ll come prepared.

Me: Go to sleep.

Another 5 minutes later (from over my shoulder since I had turned my back to him not being able to look at someone so dumb)…

HBG: You’ve never had this happen before, have you?

Me: If you are referring to a guy coming over to have sex with me then NOT having sex with me, then yes, you would be correct in your assumption.

HBG: Are you mad? You aren’t going to get crazy on me, are you?

Me: I’ll tell you what’s crazy. Driving 35 minutes to my place half naked at 9 at night for a booty call without condoms only to go to sleep. This isn’t a fucking slumber party. I invited you over so we could fuck around and you knew that.

HBG: Do you hate me?

Me: Yes.

I was pissed and my loins were on fire. I would have cut off my left arm to have somebody fuck me at that very moment. And the fact that HBG was able to drift off to sleep so easily pissed me off even more. If he wasn’t interested in having sex with me then why the fuck did he even come over?

Finally, hours after he had fallen asleep I drifted off myself only to be bombarded with wet dreams. Dreams so vivid I actually woke myself up once from my own moaning. At least I was getting some fucking action in my dream.

6:30am the next morning HBG came to sit next to me on the bed while I still lay under the covers trying to make sense of the previous night’s events. As he grabbed my hand and placed it on his erect penis he asked how I felt and what I was in the mood for. That’s when I told the Rocket Scientist to get out. He thought I was joking. I walked him out.

I can honestly say that I have never been so damn sexually frustrated in all my life. The rest of that day was a blur. I couldn’t concentrate on even the simplest of things. If he was afraid of me using him and then avoiding him he won’t have to worry about that happening anymore. Now I’m just avoiding him only I didn’t get the pleasure of using him first. What a waste.

The next day he called and texted but I’m over it. I’ll be damned if I let him over just so he can tease me again. I’m now in the market for a new Rabbit.

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  1. Anonymous
    October 26, 15:34 Reply
    There are man who looks good, but the inside is all weird and just doesn't match the looks, what it advertise for... I had a similar thing happened to me, probably not to that full extent.. but looks are deceiving. I feel for you girl.
  2. Single Much?
    October 26, 16:40 Reply
    hahahaha, amazing and hilarious as per usual! I'm not laughing at your misery of course but you just crack me up. Must admit I've wondered about the raping a man thing. lol. Not that I would actually do it but...<br /><br />Anyway,I'm glad you kicked him out! You're so awesome. :)
  3. JupaMan
    October 26, 16:52 Reply
    huh.... very insightful, and my thoughts can go in many directions with this. The problem is that I don't know which way to steer my thoughts to.. so I think I'll keep my thoughts to myself, but I can see that I have definitely learned something new
  4. Lifebeginsat30ty
    October 26, 20:23 Reply
    Either someone is very very insecure (not you) or he just wasn't into having sex with you. I know, hard to believe, but can happen. But so very very strange!
  5. Anonymous
    October 26, 20:28 Reply
    These kinds of situations demand oral sex. That's probably what he was after. Was that not discussed or offered?<br /><br />Also, all that "uninspiring" stuff he told you or mumbled in bed that you're saying is unimportant to understanding this situation? Probably very important.
  6. Quinten
    October 26, 22:14 Reply
    I have to lean towards him being extremely insecure. It sounds like when he's not face to face, he is very aggressive but get him in a room and he just flat wimps out. Not the sort of individual I understand at all, since I work off of the premise that you back up what you talk.
  7. Skye Blue
    October 26, 22:25 Reply
    Please tell me you made this all up. Especially the part about putting your hand on his hard man parts the next morning and asking you how you felt. What.The.Fuck?<br /><br />I don't want to believe that there are people that stupid among us.
  8. Caleb
    October 27, 21:32 Reply
    What?? Shemanigans! Every day, men like me are out to reclaim the manliness image of men by dominating women (in a fun way) and giving them the sexual awesomeness that they need and require to function on a day-to-day basis. <br /><br />And then pansies like this come along and ruin our good name. <br /><br />Also, while his actions were obviously suck-tastic to the 10th power, I'm surprised that you couldn't find some way to salvage some action. <br /><br />In fairness though, I've known that kind of frustration before. Luckily for me(n), I can just say "fuck you" then and go straight to sleep. Or go play Halo. <br /><br />One time my buddy was in a similar situation and actually went out to the bars when the chick fell asleep and brought home some skank. He then banged the new skank on his couch while queen no-put-out was sleeping in his bed. An epic coup, no doubt. <br /><br />Caleb
  9. One Lusty Sagittarian
    October 28, 01:00 Reply
    Kidnapping and rape are too kind for this libido teaser. Doesn't he know that messing with a Sagittarian's libido is like life and death? Condolences sugar.
  10. singlegirlie
    October 28, 05:57 Reply
    That is completely and utterly bizarre. I read it twice and still don't understand. My guess is he had a vagina and wasn't ready to tell you. Only explanation.
  11. MissMelisaMae
    October 28, 06:15 Reply
    Anon 1 and Single Much - Thanks!<br /><br />Lifebeginsat30ty - I think he's just very insecure which is interesting because he's stunning. He was definitely interested but just wouldn't put out. Definitely a first for me.<br /><br />Anon 2 - His "uninspiring" talk was work talk so I doubt that had anything to do with his libido. It certainly wasn't helping mine. I'm sure he wouldn't have minded had I gotten on my knees but if he isn't putting out than neither am I and he wasn't jumping the gun to visit my secret garden. But I tried!!!<br /><br />Quinten - Agreed!<br /><br />Skye - I WISH it was made up!<br /><br />Caleb - Suck-tastic? I love it! Don't be surprised if you see that phrase in a future post ;-)<br /><br />JustMarlon - That was pretty much the same reaction I had when he turned over and went to sleep.<br /><br />Lusty Sag - It DID feel like death. That's just not something you do to a girl like me. It's what I consider cruel and unusual punishment.<br /><br />singlegirlie - He totally has a vag. That's the only explanation I can come up with. What a waste because I wanted to hit that in a BAD way.
  12. Myra
    October 28, 17:19 Reply
    See, the 1st post about HBG got me all hot and bothered then saddened that I never heard about him again...and this post made me *mouth hanging open with shock* and nearly believing you when I read he turned into a woman! then realizing the fucker wasn't putting out! That sucks!
  13. Something She Dated
    November 03, 04:17 Reply
    I'm a little concerned that everyone is all like...this never happens...and I'm all like...meh...have you been reading my diary again. Obviously we attract girls. And by girls I mean men without balls. And by without balls...I mean retarded. Glad you kicked insano to the curb. My favorite part...<br /><br />HBG: Do you hate me?<br /><br />Me: Yes.<br /><br />Awesome. PS...if he ever asks...you can tell him SSD called him a bitch :P
  14. James
    September 23, 02:24 Reply
    WOW! Your pimp hand is strong. The guy thought he was hot shit(maybe he was) and he thought u weren't on his level but acceptable so he decided to tease u in order to hook u, he went wrong when he carried it on too long, he underestimated u as a girl who doesnt get much action(I'd bet on it), but like I said u have the force of a hundred pimps.

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