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Hot Bicep Guy

If you are a guy and we haven’t slept together yet I’m still talking to you AND I dedicate an entire post to you, you can bet that I am going to fuck the ever loving shit out of you you are pretty darn special.

Case in point, Hot Bicep Guy.

In case any of you have missed it, not only has HBG been occupying my (wet) dreams but also my Facebook and Twitter pages:

Tuesday, June 1st:

11:53am – Once again, just confirmed that I am completely incapable of having a coherent conversation with someone sporting amazing biceps and buns.

Friday, June 4th:

2:58pm – Just learned that since I left work early I missed hot bicep guy coming by to cut rock. Yes, I said cut rock. Who cares why?

Today, Thursday, June 10th:

9:30am – Dear Sex Gods, Please let hot bicep guy come by the office to cut rock BEFORE I leave the office today instead of after like the last two times. Kthxbye.

**The Sex Gods answered my prayers. Water was turned on (as was I), power tools were brought out and rock was cut**

12:00pm – Oh God…boss just ran out to arm wrestle hot bicep guy. Best. Job. Ever.

2:00pm – Ok, for those keeping tabs…hot bicep guy asked for my Facebook. Is that the 2010 version of asking for one’s phone number? Either way, he will end up disrobed. Just sayin…

So, if I do the math, I’ve invested 10 days into this relationship. Assuming that’s the equivalent of approximately 3 dates, it’s time we did the horizontal mambo. He owes me. And he’s going to pay me. In penis.

I spent a full hour today in what can only be described as the most fun one can have with their clothes on. As if the Gods above had read my mind and answered my prayers, along came the construction truck with 185 lbs of pure muscle and 6% body fat tucked neatly inside its cab.

Time stopped. I watched as HBG jumped out of the truck and went over to inspect the slabs of rock waiting to be cut.

Wait, did he just look back at the office window? Oh yeah…it’s on like Donkey Kong!

Never mind that I was smiling like a Cheshire Cat. So? I was hungry and he was lunch.

I’m sorry, did my boss just ask me to do something? Not possible as there are only two people in this daydream. Me and HBG.

Shit, boss is talking to me but I can’t understand a word he’s saying. He may as well be speaking in Greek because at the moment I can’t even remember my own name, let alone how to type up a letter.

Still staring, I watch as HBG and his helper turn on the hose and saw. Things are getting wet (I love puns). His back is to me and all I see are muscles contracting and heavy equipment being used. He’s cutting then lifting the heavy slabs of rock into the back of his truck. The only thing missing is me, straddling the rock slabs in a white t-shirt.

Am I dead? Because this MUST be what heaven is like.

Uh oh, I’m drooling. Boss saw it and looked out the window.

Boss: What? You lookin’ at HBG?

Me: bholysoudtoaopshhdfgjslhg?

Boss: You know, I’m stronger than him. I can beat him at arm wrestling *heading for the door*

Me: bholysoudtoaopshhdfgjslhg…*following close behind*

I’m not about to miss two guys playing “who’s got the bigger penis” for my benefit.

They wrestle, I giggle and the boss concedes to a bad wrist. I now know who has the bigger penis.

Oops, time’s up. Time to leave work and head to job #2.

Boss: Can you stay for a few more minutes?

Me: Nope

Like a cougar stalking her prey I hightail it out of the office to go attack my unwitting victim.

With a grin and a wave HBG asks if I’m leaving. That’s my que. I got this. I just hope I didn’t leave claw marks when I pounced.

Some small talk and a Facebook invite later, the door has been opened.

Stay tuned…

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Breathe & Relax Stats:  40 years old, 5’8”, athletic, Caucasian with mixed hair color, non smoking, non religious Capricorn.  Not single/not looking.  I repeat NOT single/NOT looking. Profession:  Something fun.

13 Comments

  1. Dazediva
    June 11, 05:51 Reply
    Damn girl, HBG sounds absolutely drool-worthy !!<br /><br />At least give us a sneak peak of his back so the rest of chicks can be jealous of you :P
  2. Skye Blue
    June 11, 14:30 Reply
    Good luck pinning down that penis, girl. He sounds delicious.
  3. Anonymous
    June 12, 01:52 Reply
    Jeez, you should just called me. I have rockin' biceps.
  4. The Chad
    June 14, 00:33 Reply
    OMG. I haven't even read past the first paragraph, but I just laughed out loud (alone) for 30 seconds. And yes, I counted, based on how much time passed in the Gaga Alejandro video that I was watching. And have watched enough that I can begin to base passage of time. And I clicked on the post in the first place because of the title "Hot Bicep Guy", which is my weakness. That and extra cheese.
  5. LuckyGirl
    June 16, 01:15 Reply
    LOVE it!<br />Also, for some reason this post makes me think "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush", except I have assigned this idiom new meaning. So have fun with your new birdie :-)
  6. MissMelisaMae
    June 16, 22:15 Reply
    Thanks ladies, and The Chad. HBG will one day be mine and as soon as he is, you will definitely be hearing about it!
  7. Anonymous
    June 24, 19:47 Reply
    UM.... HELLO, its been 14 days. Inquiring minds need to know more!
  8. manshopping
    June 27, 04:35 Reply
    Does HBG have hunksicle french cousins? Please?<br /><br />Le sigh.
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    December 08, 13:36 Reply
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    December 10, 20:48 Reply
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  11. [...] He Just Wasn’t That Into Me (Literally) October 26, 2010 By missmelisamae 14 Comments Few things confuse me more than math and Paris Hilton’s popularity. But there is one thing that tops that list and that thing is Men. Lately, my brain has turned into a clusterfuck of confusing innuendos and out of control hormones. However, I can explain the cause for this in three little words. Hot Bicep Guy. [...]

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