This Italian Was No Stallion (A Dating Disaster)

By on June 1, 2011 creepy guy , Dating , sex

Just like my date, sans the flowers. And champagne. And socks.

When is it okay to whip your dick out on the first date? *

With Summer rearing her beautiful head, I decided it was time to drop a few winter pounds.  Too broke for coke and too lazy for the gym it was time to hit Atkins.  Hard.  I’d heard over and over again that grocery stores were among the top primo spots for meeting young, eligible bachelors.  At 33, I’d been shopping countless times and had yet to meet anybody that would even loosely fit that description.  Like the unicorn and good credit, I firmly believed this to be a Greek myth.  Until now.

With a basket full of eggs, meat and cheese I wondered the grocery store aisles of my local tweeker Ralphs in search of the perfect no-carb food.  Hoping against hope that there would be a hidden aisle dedicated to pasta, ice cream and bread free of the now ostracized carbohydrate. 

While I never found that mythical aisle, I did find the eye of a tall, non twitching Italian hottie.  He looked, I looked, I turned away, I looked back, he looked back and then….he said “Hi”.  The door was opened, he was stunning and not wanting my chance to slip by I responded with a mysterious, soulful and intriguing “Hello”.

After that, I found myself at a loss for words (something which rarely happens).  He made me nervous and for lack of anything else to say, I asked, “So, do you live around here?”  Just in case he had decided to make the special trip down to Tweekerville in search of the perfect tomato (and feel free to use my line should you end up in the same situation).  Honestly, I’m not even sure where that line came from other than the countless books I’ve read on pick-up lines from the 80’s.  I used to think I had game.  I now know I don’t.

Small talk was made and Mr. Italy came across as a gentleman just as nervous as me.  Numbers were exchanged and with butterflies in my stomach I purchased my heart attack basket and proceeded home.  By the time I hit my driveway, he had texted and asked my plans for the evening.  Playing coy and not wanting to seem too eager I responded with “nothing”.

By 10 that night I was sitting on his couch drinking a cranberry & vodka watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High.  Things were going well.  Until he started to “feel warm”.

At first it was his outer button-up shirt.  I knew what was happening here.  He could have turned on the AC or opened a door but that would have been too easy.  He was trying to disrobe nonchalantly except he didn’t realize I had played this game before.

“I love giving massages.”

Of course he did.

Then, the heat of the apartment became too unbearable and it became vital to his utmost existence to take his undershirt off, as well.  While I had decided within the first 5 seconds of our meeting that I would eventually be seeing him in the nude I had made it abundantly clear that it would not be happening this evening.   I was going to play this one differently and leave some things to the imagination.  He didn’t seem to care and actually took that as an invitation to take off his shorts.

The night went downhill fast from there.  All my dreams of taking him home to meet my mom and step dad were dashed.  They would have been so pleased.  They had long given up hope that I would bring home a “good Catholic boy” but unfortunately, this Italian was no Stallion.  Mr. Italy had already crossed the line into Creepyland.

As though with superhuman speed, he was suddenly laying completely naked on the couch with his dick in his hands while I scoured the depths of my purse for my car keys.  But, to his credit, he did offer to let me sleep in the bed while he took the couch should I feel uncomfortable driving after one drink.  I completely appreciate the irony of him “being a gentleman” while he was trying to persuade me into watching him jerk off.

Why does dating have to be so hard?

*Never (unless I ask you to).  Otherwise, that’s just plain awkward.

22 Responses to: This Italian Was No Stallion (A Dating Disaster)

  1. gravatar <cite class="fn">LanceNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
    June 1st, 2011

    UH, what?

    Why would he think that’s ok?

    true story- when I was single, the second time, so five years ago, I met a friend of a friend who worked at Hooters. Like you and this dude, I knew after meeting her would be seeing her Hooters but I wanted to at least have some conversation. At the end of our first date, of which she barely spoke, I hugged her good night. She grabs my hands, puts them on her boobs (which were fake as hell) and said “kind of figured you deserved this. Really, honey?

    Peopl just don;t know how to be socially gracious. Good story though.
    Lance recently posted..Lose Yourself

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    • gravatar <cite class="fn">missmelisamaeNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
      June 1st, 2011

      I would have loved to have seen your face when she grabbed your hands to place on her boobs. No lead in or anything? How romantic.

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    • gravatar <cite class="fn">missmelisamaeNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
      June 1st, 2011

      I was pretty amused myself. Especially on my drive home while thinking to myself “WTF?”

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  2. gravatar <cite class="fn">RoxanneNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
    June 1st, 2011

    Just *ew* but funny as hell to read about. *EW* ha ha ha ha Really? ew
    Roxanne recently posted..If I’d Married My Stalker

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    • gravatar <cite class="fn">missmelisamaeNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
      June 1st, 2011

      Holding his weenie in his hand did come across as rather foolish. I’m sure that wasn’t the look he was going for.

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    • gravatar <cite class="fn">missmelisamaeNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
      June 1st, 2011

      I can only imagine, if he did online dating, what his profile would be like.

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  3. gravatar <cite class="fn">LJ MaggieNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
    June 1st, 2011

    When I saw the title of your blog I totally thought you might have met someone I used to know. After reading the post, it almost sounds like it could be him. Sounds like it was an interesting experience. I am always amazed at what the guys in LA do on a date and they honestly think it works.

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    • gravatar <cite class="fn">missmelisamaeNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
      June 1st, 2011

      Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me. Most of the time I completely deserve it. This gem actually caught me off guard.

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  4. gravatar <cite class="fn">single muchNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
    June 1st, 2011

    hahahaha! I LOVE the things you get yourself into! You really do have the best stories ever.

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    • gravatar <cite class="fn">missmelisamaeNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
      June 1st, 2011

      Amazing, isn’t it? Maybe I should start a blog…

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  5. gravatar <cite class="fn">Lusty SagittarianNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
    June 2nd, 2011

    Over to his place on the first night….I’ve been out of the game a tiny bit now, but doesn’t that still translate into “dick in hand within 30 minutes” anyway?

    I guess he wasn’t the Atkins-approved kind of meat. :-p

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    • gravatar <cite class="fn">missmelisamaeNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
      June 2nd, 2011

      I suppose. I thought of it as more of a “I’m too tired to put on makeup so I’d rather lounge around with a cocktail” type of night. But I could see how that might be misconstrued 😉

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    • gravatar <cite class="fn">missmelisamaeNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
      June 2nd, 2011

      Shhhhhh…don’t want you fucking with my streetcred.

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  6. gravatar <cite class="fn">Evolving WifeNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
    June 3rd, 2011

    Whoa, something similar happened to me in college. I went to a women’s college so we often imported our dates from local schools for formals. Ricky seemed nice enough when I met him, he also had a car so was able to chauffeur other dates–a bonus as taking public transpo was weak at best and mostly for freshman girls and MIT guys.

    Since our friends had hit it off and were having sleepovers I bit the bullet and asked if he wanted to stay over. I had no intention of having sex with him. I went to brush my teeth and when I came back there was Ricky…all of him on my tiny bed, in my tiny dorm room. So that was awkward. We moved past that, he put some clothes on and I thought that was that. If only that were the case. In the wee hours of the morning I felt his “member” gently nudging my leg. I’d given him another chance, but that just creeped me out.

    Sent Ricky packing, called the friends of mine who were happily entertaining their gentlemen callers and informed them the guys’ ride was leaving. I had a few disgruntled friends, but the next day we had a good laugh at what transpired in my room the night before. I never saw Ricky at a college function again…clothed or otherwise.

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    • gravatar <cite class="fn">missmelisamaeNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
      June 3rd, 2011

      Oh yes, the let me bump my member against her leg and just slip it in because she’ll never notice trick. Been there, done that. I’ve also had the pleasure of being given a back rub and then somehow, miraculously hands are trying to replace my bra.

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  7. gravatar <cite class="fn">Lennie RossNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
    June 8th, 2011

    Now that’s just hilarious…..and you wanted to leave!? Who doesn’t want to watch some weirdo jackoff on the first date, right? :)

    I’ve definitely had a few similar experiences, let’s just say I never brought them home to Mom :)

    Lennie Ross
    http://lennierosswrites.com
    Lennie Ross recently posted..The Right Way To Hit On Women At The Gym

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    • gravatar <cite class="fn">missmelisamaeNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
      June 8th, 2011

      Can’t imagine why I wasn’t swept off my feet by the site of a pouting, naked guy holding his dick in his hands. I’m sure my laughter was the last response he was expecting.

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  8. gravatar <cite class="fn">amazingg0477No Gravatar</cite> Reply
    June 13th, 2011

    If s#$t like this didn’t happen to me everyday, I wouldn’t believe it. You just can’t make this stuff up, can you? Really enjoyed this post! Nice to know I’m not alone and that I too am a weirdo magnet.

    This also goes to show you that meeting someone in the “real world” is no better than online. Suck on that all y’alls that think I’m gonna meet the man of my dreams at the grocery store. Now I have a nice place to direct these well-meaning folks.

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    • gravatar <cite class="fn">missmelisamaeNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
      July 1st, 2011

      Agreed. The crazy has to come out at some point and that’s no different when dealing with people IRL or online. Peoples just be crazy! Period.

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  9. gravatar <cite class="fn">Taz @ Climb the RainbowNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
    June 15th, 2011

    Wow. Just…wow. I really don’t know what else to say!

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    • gravatar <cite class="fn">missmelisamaeNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
      July 1st, 2011

      There’s not much to say, really. A simple shake of the head will suffice. That’s all I could come up with :)

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  10. gravatar <cite class="fn">ElleNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
    June 26th, 2011

    And yet, somehow, women are considered the crazy gender?!?!

    This is….. sigh….. just sigh…

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    • gravatar <cite class="fn">missmelisamaeNo Gravatar</cite> Reply
      July 1st, 2011

      True, so true. I think we all share our equal parts of insanity when it comes to dating and sex.

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