Let’s Talk About Boobs (Part 1)
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Let’s Talk About Boobs (Part 1)

 

Not my boobs.

“Ouch! You do know they don’t come off, right?”

*grunt* “I love your boobs.”

“You’re a 30 year old man – don’t call them boobs. And please let go. I don’t need your handprints bruised onto my tits; I have a date later.”

“Wha-!?!”

“Just kidding! Or am I? Hmm…”

The Backstory…

His name was Tony. Easily one of the most attractive specimens I’ve had the pleasure of seeing naked. In all honesty, I hadn’t planned on taking Tony to bed that day. I wanted to take things slow and marry him first.

By all accounts, he was innocent, respectful and polite. He said things like, “You’re a sweetheart”, “look forward to seeing you again” and “have a blessed day.” which was a welcome change from the usual texts I get asking what my favorite position is. Occasionally, some delusional nimrod will throw in a dick pic, as well, but I can see how my asking how their day went might be construed as “send me a picture of your penis, please.” It’s a simple mistake.

When Tony reached out to kiss me, I relented. At 6’2” and muscular, with jet black hair and olive skin, my clothes were mere moments from throwing themselves to the ground. And he knew I wanted him. He could read me like a Reader’s Digest for old people. His second kiss was more intense and as his arms pulled me from the chair next to him onto his lap I accidently grabbed his crotch (any woman, and a considerable amount of men that were born this way, can attest to the joy or utter disappointment this one singular moment has the potential of bringing).

Still trying to pretend I’m not that kind of girl, I dropped the façade when I knew I’d hit pay dirt. Tony was just as gorgeous below the belt as he was above it and I wasted no time getting into position. But the art of intimacy was clearly lost on Tony. Not a big believer in foreplay or wasting time, Tony was overeager, aggressive and had the finesse of a shower loofa.  When he started grabbing at “the girls” and inching his way up my body, I knew I was in trouble.

Few things perplex me more than the act of titty-fucking. Purely from an erogenous zone standpoint, I get no physical enjoyment out of this one particular act. We are not playing pool and my head is not a cue ball but I suppose Tony wasn’t aware of that. Judging from his stranglehold on my tits, he must have been overcompensating in the event that one or both fell off and didn’t allow him to complete his mission of impaling my head onto his dick.

In an attempt to release “the girls” from his Vulcan death grip I suggested we switch things up a bit but the all-out assault on my breasts continued. No position was safe and by the time I brought an end to our sexual tryst, my chest looked as though I had just played a round of tackle football without a chest guard.

Now, I love my breasts. In fact, I try to bring them up into conversation as much as humanly possible. Blog posts, drinks with friends, first communions, anywhere. They are exquisite, attention grabbing fun bags that I’ve had since I was about 11. They didn’t cost me a thing and have more than likely saved and made me money when considering the countless drinks, meals, and car payments I have not had to finance.

I could go on and on but I think you get the point; my breasts are rad.

It is exactly this reason that I try to keep them just out of the reach of an overzealous titty-fucker. By bringing this to the attention of all who know me and the four who read me, I’m hoping to spread the word that it’s okay to say:

Don’t. Assault. The boobies. 

So, to those men who know and understand that tits are not stress balls, I command and salute you. God Bless.

Epilogue:

Back to my bedroom and contemplating assault charges, I asked Tony, “What’s your last name, anyway?”

“Montana.”

“Your name is Tony Montana?”

Everything suddenly became clear; I had just screwed Scarface. Awesome.

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17 Comments

  1. Clint
    April 24, 02:31 Reply
    I never understood the whole boob sex thing either. From a guy's perspective, there's three other areas I'd be more erotically-inclined to let myself slide into and actually have a shot at BOTH the woman AND myself derive pleasure from being there (depending on the said woman's sexual proclivities, of course). I have enough worries awoman may be faking it from time to time to actually delude myself into thinking those fake porn-like "oohs" and "ahhs"when a guy's little man's in between a woman's breasts actually leads to a serious orgasm for her. And on a side note, could we all agree someday on both a mature and carefree term for breasts/boobs/tits? I can't seem to find one that finds that delicate balance between tween boy, Howard Stern, and a lab scientist ;)
    • missmelisamae
      April 24, 10:04 Reply
      I don't think we'll ever be able to agree on a common name for breasts any sooner than agreeing on a name for a man's Johnson. And THANK YOU for understanding the whole titty fucking thing! I can understand a mans fascination with a women's breasts but if he thinks that a woman is getting any sort of erotic sensation out of it, he's sadly mistaken. At least where I'm concerned.
  2. Roxanne
    April 24, 07:08 Reply
    Ha! I freaking LOVE THIS POST!!!!!!!! Damn, girl I needed that laugh. Shit. Hahahahahahahahahaha!!
  3. missmelisamae
    April 24, 10:04 Reply
    You are more than welcome, Roxanne! It is clear that I find no subject taboo ;)
  4. Ariel
    April 24, 14:30 Reply
    Brilliant treatise-sadly my 34d's have seen a few battles as well and it is not cool to treat them like bean bags! (to be tossed about or worse, sat on.)
    • missmelisamae
      April 24, 14:40 Reply
      I've got you beat-38DDD. They're so big I would almost consider it a fetish. I could write countless stories about boob abuse. Hence, the Part 1...
  5. Kimberly
    May 01, 21:45 Reply
    HAHAHA! Oh god...I haven't been titty fucked since high school! And I know what you mean about how great or disappointing it can be when you go in to touch the dick....I make it a priority to feel that area out during the first make out session....I'd rather find out asap that it's tiny...rather than getting naked and THEN finding out it's tiny...by then you've just gone too far, and it's hard to completely stop messing around w/out them knowing it's b/c of their tiny dick...lol
    • missmelisamae
      May 01, 21:57 Reply
      I'm an instant gratification girl, myself. I'd much rather like to know what I'm getting into from the start. As for titty-fucking...I'm all for helping a brother out, but frankly, the more attention to pay to fucking my chest, the less attention you are paying to fucking me - vay down der.
  6. singlegirlie
    May 03, 17:23 Reply
    I suppose the one good thing about having small boobies is not having to get tit fucked. I mean, what exactly do we get out of it? Nuthin. The last time some guy did it to me I cried afterwards. I honestly don't know why. Maybe just coz tittie fucking sucks. BTW, how come I can't read the type in this comment section?? <span class="cluv">singlegirlie recently posted..<a class="5ee892bdaa 10020" rel="nofollow" href="http://singlegirlblogging.com/2012/05/01/not-everyone-is-going-to-like-you/">Not Everyone is Going to Like You</a></span>
    • missmelisamae
      May 15, 11:11 Reply
      You cried? Well, sometimes I feel like weeping also but usually because if I laugh then guys tend to get all butthurt. As for the comments, well, I can't seem to figure out how to change the font color on that one particular section. I figured out how to do pretty much everything else on my own but can't seem to figure out how to get the comments lit. But, never fear, just give it a few months and I'll bore of this theme, too, and move on to something else. Oh, and I'm retarded.
  7. tinafreysd
    May 04, 01:28 Reply
    The ideal alternative is to accept what you have and make small breasts appear larger naturally.. <span class="cluv">tinafreysd recently posted..<a class="9d9c394cf6 10022 p" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.acnetreatmentsdone.com/">Get Help Treating Acne</a></span>
  8. Oh God. Best. Sad sad little (big) Tony Montana. Seriously though...amazing post...love this post...almost as much as my own titties...and I imagine yours as well.
    • missmelisamae
      May 15, 11:07 Reply
      My life has apparently switched from a never ending supply of bad dates and awkward experiences to stories about my boobs. Perhaps I should consider renaming my blog, ha.
  9. Nikki B
    July 02, 13:14 Reply
    Once, I asked a boyfriend for more foreplay in sex. The next time we were, er, intimate, he crawled up my body and, you guessed it, titty-fucking. Now, I understand the importance of this act for the viewing pleasure of the person with the penis, but, as you point out, I don't actually have an erogenous zone betwixt my breasts. Shocking, I know. So, when he said "how am I doing?" and I realized he meant about the foreplay thing, I was rather speechless. Laugh or cry, really. <span class="cluv">Nikki B recently posted..<a class="f4315e5cee 10491" rel="nofollow" href="http://womenarefrommars.wordpress.com/2012/06/24/under-african-skies/">“Under African Skies” and a very fine line.</a></span>
  10. Tenon
    March 24, 10:44 Reply
    Meh. My girlfriend has B cups and she really likes the titty fuck thing. We don't do it all that often, but it's a nice change. She's usually the one who initiates it. I think she likes my junk that close to her face or something.
  11. Kirk
    July 31, 12:38 Reply
    Boobs to me is the best part of a women body.

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