Let’s Talk About Boobs (Part 2)
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Let’s Talk About Boobs (Part 2)

Three months before A decade before Scarface, Okay, one month before I was with a striking Adam Levine look alike. Intimately, of course. Is there any other way?

He liked camping; I prefer hotels. He adored mountain biking; I’d rather grab a cab. He hated crowds; I’m a people person. He got seasick; I was ready to book my fifth cruise. He drank green tea; I swore by the virtues of gin.

Clearly, it was a match made in heaven.

Adam still used a VCR (regularly) and never felt the need to upgrade his 10 year old Blackberry, despite the scotch tape holding it intact. He didn’t have an email address and considered Facebook to be somewhat of a myth amongst the worldly type. His idea of decoration consisted of old baseball jerseys thrown over the backs of fold-up chairs, and strategically placed mirrors. Sitting next to 40 gallons of Muscle Milk in his kitchen was a 20 year old microwave held together with duct tape and zip ties.

But he was cute. And that was all that mattered.

“I wear a size 11 shoe and I am Italian”…were the words of seduction I heard during our first heavy petty session.  Oh, and this:

“….and I love giving oral.”

“Of course you do, honey. Of course you do.”

God, I love men. So predictable.

We decided on a movie and since we were viewing it circa 1989, I opted for Wild Orchid. In the 12 minutes it took to fast forward through the previews for Howard the Duck and Transformers: The Movie (NOT the one with Megan Fox) I was already hotter than my eternal resting place. Did I mention how cute he was?

It only took one prolonged glance to ignite the feeding frenzy. Buttons were popped, seams ripped and clothes were strewn.

It. Was. On.

But then a funny thing happened. He saw “the girls” (and by “girls” I mean tits). In all their glory, no less. No longer able to hide behind the soft confines of a 40DDD bra (or 38F depending on the style). Mesmerized and like a moth to flame, Adam reached out with both hands to try and take the place of the clothing that had been there only moments earlier.

So much for him loving oral.

Seconds away from an almost certain motorboating, I tried to divert his attention to something a little less mammary. You know, like my vagina. But it was too late. Adam no longer understood English. In fact, by the look on his face and the attention paid to my breasts, Adam probably didn’t realize that I was still there, either. In his mind it was just himself, two tits, in his hands, on a couch, watching Wild Orchid.

Then he started juggling. My breasts. Adam was juggling my breasts. Juggling. My breasts. Mm Hm. The boobs.

Not that there’s anything wrong with a little boob envy but he could have at least fondled a nipple.

By this time, Adam still couldn’t remember my name (or his, for that matter). Mickey Rourke and Carre Otis were well into their first date and I was left to wonder if this was what he’d meant by having “hidden talents”. Although, that’s not really that impressive; anyone can juggle something when there’s only two. But, being the absolute sweetheart that I am, I didn’t want to burst his bubble or startle him with the knowledge that there was someone else in the room – Me.

So, I continued watching the movie, he continued juggling my tits and in his eyes, I’m sure all was right in the world. If this was Barnum & Bailey’s idea of foreplay, I couldn’t wait for the encore.

We did eventually end up screwing but it was far less memorable than the activity that had preceded it. And like any good man having just spilled his seed, Adam promptly passed out, face down, on the couch. At which point, I got dressed and let myself out not wanting to wake Sleeping Beauty from his slumber. Who said romance was dead?

I would have turned the movie off but who the fuck knows how to work a VCR anymore?

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6 Comments

  1. Lawrence
    May 15, 06:36 Reply
    You know that boobs are proof that men can look at two things at once <span class="cluv">Lawrence recently posted..<a class="e4abb330a0 10067" rel="nofollow" href="http://killmenow.org/things-women-say/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=things-women-say">Things women say</a></span>
  2. Damian
    May 15, 08:34 Reply
    OMG that was hysterical!!!! I mean, I'm sorry that the date went wrong.... but that was a great story. not for nothing spicy, but your mamaries ARE memorable so I don't blame the guy for forgetting his own name. Where in the fuck do you find these guys????? ;) <span class="cluv">Damian recently posted..<a class="9788d74956 10068" rel="nofollow" href="http://jupaman.tumblr.com/post/21399055587">curvycandacemoon: One more from todays gallery on...</a></span>
  3. Clint
    May 31, 10:40 Reply
    These are great for entertainment but I'm beginning to wonder if I'm the 1% of guys that admire a pair of boobs like a Picasso and treat them as a delightful bit of scenery on the way to other, more useful foreplay fun. That is, until the percentage of women that orgasm merely by breast attention rises in some sort of sudden X-Men evolutionary upheaval in which case I'd have to throw out my entire foreplay arsenal.
  4. singlegirlie
    June 03, 19:56 Reply
    That is sad when the boob juggling is more memorable than the fucking. You really deserve a humanitarian award. <span class="cluv">singlegirlie recently posted..<a class="46e9ee4fe4 10167" rel="nofollow" href="http://singlegirlblogging.com/2012/05/01/not-everyone-is-going-to-like-you/">Not Everyone is Going to Like You</a></span>

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