The 40 Year Old Virgin

I almost ate my date the other night. I only wish I was joking.

I was recently referred to as a cougar. Not in the traditional sense but because I actually eat men.

But before I get too far ahead of myself let me take you back to the beginning before I almost devoured my victi…date, yes, that’s what I meant…my date.

Six days ago…

Me (In my head): Wait…did I just hear that right? No, I couldn’t have. Let me ask him again…

Me (Into the phone): “What do you want to see me wear?”

Me (In my head): Oh God, he did say it…

Him: “Spandex”

Me (In my head): Oh fantastic, he’s elaborating in the event I’m confused…

Him: “You know, like bicycle shorts”

Me (Into the phone): Hmph

Me (In my head): Yeah, this date is going to be fantastic. I wonder if he’d also like me to wear leg warmers and a side pony tail. I bet if I look hard enough, I may be able to find an old “Op” T-shirt and my pink pair of “LA Gears”.

Six months prior to Spandex-gate was the first time the 40 Year Old Virgin entered the picture. After our initial correspondences I sort of forgot about him. He was a nice looking man and seemed decent. I was just in the midst of a dating burn out. He would call me every month or so to no avail and really, the only reason I decided to call him back was due to a severe case of Cabin Fever and boredom combined with my need for new meat.

The very day I called him back he returned my call three times. Ah yes, now I remember why we never met…he talked too fucking much. His over exuberance seemed more out of nervousness than lack of manners. I only hoped that he didn’t act like a junior highschooler on our date. Cute, yes, but still slightly annoying. But as is usually the case with me, biceps won over logic and common sense. One of these days I’ll learn. I hope.

He was your typical Persian/Assyrian in that he actually still lived at home. No joke. At 10:45 his mom actually called to see why he was out so late. Again, I’m not joking. If I hadn’t had a history with men of Middle Eastern persuasion I would have been switching my heels for a pair of running shoes. But again, biceps and lack of anything better to do won out.

He was yet another personal trainer and did some work in movies. He was a bit of a name dropper but I’m not sure if he was actually being conceited or still just nervous and trying to impress me. I figured if he got too obnoxious on our date, there was nothing a boob in the mouth couldn’t fix.

Present Day

When I drove up to our meeting place and saw him standing outside I almost crashed from trying to kick myself. I could have met this stud muffin six months earlier?!? Who’s the nerd now? Me.

Beautiful body, had all his teeth, gorgeous eyes and eyelashes so long they tickled me when we talked. Two words…DE. LISH! That’s when I started to play a little game in my head I like to call “How long before I can get his shirt off?” If I ever meet a mind reader, I’m in trouble.

Knowing his love for thick women, I jokingly asked if my ass was big enough. He looked behind me and with a slight grin responded, “Hmm, almost”. He said I was perfect and very beautiful and even a little too thin. I have NEVER been considered too skinny. This reason alone is why we are getting married this spring.

The rest of the night was amazing. He was nervous and polite, enamored and a pleasure to look at. We made out like teenagers and yes, I did get his shirt off. This is where I almost devoured him. If we had had the correct preparations I would have hit that shit like Lennox Lewis in a Tyson fight.

All night he made mention of the places he wanted to take me. He wanted to see me again. He wanted to see me soon. He wanted to see me the very next night. As he walked me to my car he asked that I call him the next day to set up a time.

The next day I called.

And texted.

And tried one last time to call.

Then I got this:

“Sorry hun! I had a little bit of family trouble, and drama! I’ll call u tomorrow! Be safe babe. Talk to u soon”

What the fuck?!?

Completely confused I found myself suddenly 35 times more attracted to him than before. Never more than in that moment was it so obvious how I wanted what wasn’t so easily handed to me. Damn him. My girlfriend summed it up…

“Wow, a dick you didn’t conquer right away!”

I don’t know about you but that sounds like a challenge.

Stay tuned for Part 2 because there WILL be a Part 2 if I have anything to do with it… 😉

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  1. brewers_rule
    March 19, 17:03 Reply
    This post hit me like an ironic lead pipe. I was recently perusing how interesting it may be for me to test the dating waters once I'm ready to re-enter them by intentionally holding out on dates in the intimacy arena. Not to find a "nice" girl. Not b/c I lack post-divorce, sex-draught-driven confidence. But to see if a) the 3 date rule/dumping still applies and b) if I can pull it off after all this time. Yes, I was a science major once upon a time. <br /><br />Never did it before in dating and I'm starting to like a little feeling of power I'm getting in finding my inner Arnold during my divorce fight so it'd be an interesting little experiment. Not that I think the follow-through will actually happen, though. In reality, in relationships, I'm a lost puppy needing a home and will likely fold like a deck of cards under feminine whiles such as yours, Melissa. ;) <br /><br />Funny you should mention lashes too. Women seem to notice that on me for some reason. Luckily, it's one of the few good things my daughters apparently received from me.
  2. Ken
    March 22, 20:52 Reply
    Simply awesome. And now I'm intrigued by your ass, yet I've never even seen it. That's the power of your ass.
  3. JupaMan
    March 27, 03:42 Reply
    now THIS is more like it... just the type of awesome reading we love to get from you, but damn you for keeping us holding on to the edge of our seats. LOL. <br />This sounds like it's going to be a very interesting story. LOL Can't wait to read part two.
  4. [...] Tea…or Me? April 13, 2010 By missmelisamae 8 Comments It’s official, the 40 Year Old Virgin just isn’t into me. At least that’s the feeling I’m getting considering that he is now trying [...]

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