While out and about getting my shopping on with a girlfriend of mine, I noticed that I was A) out of cigarettes and B) driving on fumes. Figuring I better get to the nearest gas station to rectify the situation, I stopped at the local MOBIL and pulled out my wallet. With only $6 and change left, I had to make a quick decision. Gas or smokey treats? I parked, went inside and bought a pack of Marlboro Lite 100’s. I was almost home anyway and it was mostly downhill.
Behind the counter was the most adorable, tall, light skinned black man just yearning for my love and attention. He smiled, I smiled. I paid and was on my way. Looking at my girlfriend on the way out I mouthed the words “he’s so hot!” She nodded in agreement. Having received validation I knew that something had to be done. My mind went into overdrive on how I was to procure the cute gas station attendant. If even for just one night.
Normally, I would have stopped at nothing to make sure my digits were saved into such a cute man’s phone but I was not at my best. An all day shopathon and endless tacos and diet coke had insured that not only was I bloated but my makeup was a thing of the past. I was, to put it mildly, atrocious. Fearing rejection (yes, it does happen. Rarely.) I decided to cut my losses and hope that serendipity would find a way where I could not.
Pulling out of the gas station I suddenly stopped my car, remembering how fricking awesome I am. I looked at my friend and asked if she would run in and give the cutie patootie my phone number. Naturally, I would have done it myself but my car was running and I didn’t want to park (read: I turned into a big, fat wienie and awesome or not, I still looked like ass).
Two days later I received a call from Mr. Gas Station Attendant while at a family function. I didn’t get back to him right away as I was seriously having second thoughts and wondering if maybe, just maybe I needed to start setting my sights a little higher. But gas station attendants need love too so I sent him a text back.
In quick succession, I sent off a flurry of text messages to find out all the pertinent information. How old was he? How tall was he? What was his damn name? I would have called him but then that would have meant I’d actually have to talk to him. I wasn’t looking for a relationship or even another friend unless he could get me a discount on cigarettes and Miller Lite.
He was 25, had a first name I’m still unsure how to pronounce and was 5’7”. Eight years younger, two inches shorter and Sri Lankin. Not exactly the 6′ tall Shemar Moore look alike I had built him up to be. For fear of being rude, I suppressed the urge to ask him if he’d been standing on a phone book behind the counter as I’m positive he was taller than me when I last saw him. But the damage had already been done and I was ready to move on.
Still hanging on to the hope of discounted Funyuns and free Snicker bars I didn’t cut Shorty loose right away. He was still a nice little pup and I admired his work ethic and dedication by working at not one but two gas stations. In this economy, at least the little fucker was working.
Things were going well until I started receiving texts that looked as though they had been authored by my 10 year old nephew with his feet.
For example, when I sent a basic text asking how his day was going, I received this:
“Im gud swety hw u duin?”
“So wt u bin up too?”
After consulting The Urban Dictionary, Webster’s, a third, fourth and fifth party to help me decipher what the little shit meant, I was finally able to come to the conclusion that he was doing well and asking me what I was up to. I responded accordingly, to which he replied:
“Nuthn much jas wrkn, wen r we gon hangout?”
I didn’t respond. I couldn’t respond. Any chance of meeting and hanging out with this man had gone out the window with “Im gud swety”.
A few days later I was forced to revisit The Urban Dictionary and a few friends that also spoke dumbass when I received this:
“Heyy miss hws lyfe treatn u?”
How am I supposed to even respond to this? Is this even English? Is this how the youngsters are communicating these days? Have people lost their simple grasp of the English language? I totally understand using shortcuts when it comes to text messaging but must people completely butcher it? Why are people writing things like “kewl” and “boi”? Don’t people realize that these are in no way shortcuts to using “cool” and “boy”? They are the exact same amount of letters! I must be getting old.
Now before you remind me that he is from Sri Lanka, thereby indicating that he may not be as comfortable using my native tongue, let me assure you that having actually spoken to him he has no accent, speaks correctly, has been here for 10 years and has been to college. Also, I’m pretty certain his earlier texts to me didn’t require the use of the Rosetta Stone to translate their meaning. My irrational irritation has insured that I will probably not be going out with this guy.
Rant over. Thank you, come again.
Oh I cannot handle that shit. Sure, I like to use things like OMFG and BTW – but only because I think they’re so awkward they become hilarious. I also never use txt speek unless forced by a msg that’s 2 long. And even then, it bothers me. And I’m the one doing it.
I think it just sounds childish. Despite all your previous thoughts – he might have been a sweet guy. But the inability to spell correctly – to at least act like an adult? Sure that may be ignorance (all the girls he’s dated are presumably his age) but I for one am less than interested in a Work-In-Progress. Cut him loose.
NikkiB recently posted..Red Flags & World Rockin’
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I totally get abbreviating when it comes to texting but some things just aren’t abbreviations…they are just stupid. Lyke instead of like? Kewl instead of cool? How is that saving time or space?
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I understand text shorthand too like you said but man, this is just too much. I probably would’ve asked him if he’s just lazy, bored and stupid.
FeistyWoman recently posted..Chasing Dudes is Desperate Lame and Pathetic
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Amen sister. Or is it sistah? Preach on.
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I think it’s sista prech
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YES, texts like that make my eyes bleed and kill what’s left of my soul. Is it REEEEEALLY that difficult to spell correctly? God, I hate people.
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I hate people, too!
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This is hilarious! Check out my funny sexting story…
http://datedaily.mate1.com/articles/the-sexter
PJ
Petunia Johnson recently posted..The Lost Soul- Part II
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Thanks. I’ll check it out.
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I use btw and sometimes shorten because and with to b/c and w/ but overall I try to actually, you know, spell.
Love the blog, first visit.
Baron S. Cameron recently posted..Skaught Free Live at BSC Studios
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Legitimate abbreviations don’t bother me. Stupidity does. Glad you like the blog!
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Sad that so many people do this….and on purpose!!! Love that this is tagged “dumbass”
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I couldn’t think of any other tag that fully encompassed my true feelings on the subject. Dumbass just seemed to fit. Or shall I say dmbas?
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I’m fucking DYING! Impending death awaits me………
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No dying allowed. I need you to continue to validate my existence by commenting
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Ok. *Resuscitates self*
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I have a 15 year old daughter so I am well versed in this topic.
I may be showing my age (40),my naivete (I’m happily married), my nature (incurable sarcasm) and my snobbery (you can do better than a gas station attendant) but I am asking this question? – Did you expect anything more than moronic communication from this guy?
I knew I found the right person when she insisted I call her and meet her in person. No email, myspace, facebook, twitter or texting until a couple of dates into everything. To quote my wife “i wanted to get to know you”. I will crawl back over to my old, married fuddy duddy blog.
end scene
Lance recently posted..Where The Streets Have No Name
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Your wife is a very wise woman indeed
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I feel like I’ve met my twin with this post. I had a similar experience this past summer with a brother named Brian. Cute, younger, about an inch shorter, 2 jobs and a student. Not only did he seem motivated, he seemed like he could hold a conversation like an average adult. So I give him my phone number and reality hit.
This joker not only uses txt speek like it’s going out of style, but he also texted me 9 times in one afternoon, asking me every question that would fit in a dating profile. Drove me nuts. We still talk, but only as friends. He hates that, but I told him he can take it or leave it. I didn’t cut him off because of the txt speek (he gave me plenty of other reasons), but the texting bit didn’t help.
I honestly found myself mimicking his txt speek when replying to him. That’s when I know I had to bolt! Good kid, but rough around the edges.
BTW, first time visiting.
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Welcome to my den of iniquity!
As noted in my post, it’s probably an irrational irritation of mine but I just can’t help it. Stupidity turns me off. Whether it’s somebody trying to appear cool or someone that’s truly ignorant. I prefer not to have fits of eye bleeding every time my phone receives a text.
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This story made me laugh so hard! It also makes me wish that there weren’t so many moral and logistical implications associated with eliminating stupid people from the gene pool…
Man-shopper recently posted..Ms Alpine Goddess
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Total bummer about that whole morality thing, huh?
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lol… I mean, this is exquisitely funny!
Lena recently posted..Magic of Urban Living
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He went to college? What I wouldn’t give to get my hands on just one of those term papers.
Lucky Girl recently posted..KiSS & TELL-Jugando Con Fire- Part I
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No kidding, right?
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LOL!! So how should we explain text speak when it’s on Facebook wall posts too? As soon as I see this jibberish start streaming through my news feed, I remove these illiterate asses FOR GOOD.
No matter how young, hip or cool people think they are, feigned illiteracy is nothing to be proud of. SMFH
FeistyWoman recently posted..Chasing Dudes is Desperate Lame and Pathetic
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You hit the nail right on the head. Feigned illiteracy is NOT cool! It’s dumb.
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That’s hilarious. I think that’s one of the reasons I’ve never enjoyed text at all. It takes me 4 paragraphs to get my point across eloquently on a GOOD day so condensing it into so few characters is rough although I used to get by on Twitter well for some reason. Funny thing is, in usual social situations, I rarely speak out much unless I’m comfortable w/those around me.
I saw a stand up comedian do a routine on this a few years back how we changed introducing ourselves from “How’s it goin’” to “Whazzup” to “Sup” and he thought in a few years we’d be shortening that to “P.”
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Welcome back, Clint darling!
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I too, think we may be twin sisters, just born many years apart. My middle name is Mae, and I drink Miller Lite, also. Plus, I just had almost the same thing happen to me. This guy messaged me from one of the sites and we began chatting back and forth. Even though he is now in the medical field and took 3 years of law school, he started talking exactly like your guy.
I finally told him that I was having trouble connecting this guy with the guy that had 3 years of law school. He tried to blame it on the fact that he talked to his daughter and neices and nephews like that. I replied that I work with young people of all ages and I DON’T talk like that and the more I chatted with him the less interested I was in meeting him. I think it looks ignorant, and as stated, a waste of time. Needless to say, I didn’t waste any more time on him.
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Another twin, I like it!
Your comment is dead on and proves, yet again, that ignorance is NOT sexy. Text speak is an epidemic that must be stopped!
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I first read that one line as sweaty, not sweetie… so that right there is a reason not to use text speak …cause ew!
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My sentiments exactly!
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I have a similar take on this and feel like texting caters to the lowest common denominator of grammar and intelligence. I posted something similar in August: http://mattposky.wordpress.com/2010/08/22/gnarled-maws-and-text-faux-pas/
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This is true.
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I happen to know for a fact that even your 10 year old nephew can spell better via text than that gas station attendant.
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Okay, I’m pretty young. Not quite 20. As such, I’m part of the Texting Generation! I use btw, lol, omg,etc. But that was just ridiculous! It reminded me of my 13 yr old cousin who insists on adding extra letters to her words. (Heyyy whats up w youuuuu???) It annoys me. Since she’s a kid, and family, I tolerate it. If I were you I would have asked if he was capable of typing like he’d actually passed middle school. =)
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